We shake and then take a seat across from each other.
“Those are Umpire charges,” I counter. “I’m guessing they don’t mean much to you.”
Rool shakes his head. “Stealing from Umpire weapons facilities, swindling class nine Umpire admirals out of their hard earned wages… I’d say you were a hero.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” I tell him.
Rool hesitates. “But you could be.”
I can tell by the way that the man says this there is something incredibly heavy and important behind his words, a plea of desperation from someone who doesn’t typically find themselves begging.
One of the guards sitting between us reaches below the table and pulls out a case, unlocking the snaps and then allowing the cover to glide upward. I gasp aloud when I see the credits inside, a wealth that I have never even come close to attaining on even my biggest criminal score. It also fills me with dread, because I know that no bounty this large was every presented for a safe or simple task.
“There’s enough there to get you off of this planet and back on your feet,” says Rool.
I laugh. “There’s enough there to never work again.”
Rool nods.
“What do you need from me?” I question.
“The Umpire is constructing a weapon,” says Rool, “something the likes of which we have never seen. It’s a space station the size of a moon, with two large round orbs that are capable of firing a massive laser and destroying an entire planet. It’s called, The Butt Star.”
I shake my head in disgust. “How could they take something as beautiful as a giant butt and turn it into something so terrible.”
“I know, I know,” Rool nods. “It’s a disgrace, and we need your help stopping them.”
“I’m a hell of a hustler,” I tell the captain, “but I don’t see how I’m going to help you stop a planet destroying butt from being built.”
“You’re half right,” Rool replies, “it’s too late to stop them from building The Butt Star, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t destroy it before it does too much damage. We are prepared to make an assault run on The Butt Star in one month’s time, but before we do that we need to know where to hit them. We have intelligence from within the Umpire’s ranks telling us that there is a vent on the outside of The Butt Star, an venerable location that our pilots can hit just right and destroy the entire thing. If you can steal a set of blueprints from The Butt Star’s construction, then we can find this venerable location.”
To be honest, I’m shocked by the simplicity of this plan, the stakes absolutely massive but my part in them relatively small, especially for the amount that I’ll be compensated.
“Seems easy enough,” I counter.
“The plans are closely guarded,” Rool informs me. “You won’t be able to just walk in there and take them, you’ll need to use your skills of seduction. You’ll need to be… erotic.”
As far as I’m concerned, that’s just a bonus to the already easy task at hand.
“Alright,” I say with a nod. “Who has the plans?”
Rool hesitates for a moment, not sure of how to continue. “Darth Bater,” he finally says.
Immediately, my heart sinks. Darth Bater is one of the most notorious villains in the galaxy, not just because of his position as the Umpire’s second in command, but because of his inability to be seduced by anyone and anything. It is said that he masturbates twenty times a day, keeping his sexual desires completely satiated by means of his own bionic hand. He is impossible to seduce.
I scoff. “You’re joking. It can’t be done.”
“It has to be done,” Rool informs me. “The fate of the galaxy depends on it.”
“Listen, I’m interested in joining the cause,” I explain, “and for that kind of money I’d be a fool not to, but this a suicide mission. Darth Bater cannot be seduced, that’s just a fact. Even if I could turn him on, how am I supposed to get alone with him in the first place?”
“We have reason to believe that Darth Bater will be staying on Chirba-45 tomorrow evening as he oversees a new batch of Umpire casinos. We have placed bribes with his security detail and you will be allowed safe passage into his quarters.”
“And then what?” I question. “I just turn him on?”
Rool looks me up and down, taking in my muscular presence. “If anyone can do it, you can,” he tells me.
As this moment I feel a sharp twinge of confident arousal shoot through me. Darth Bater may be notoriously unsexual, but I’ve never heard of him finding himself in the presence of a hustler as convincing as I am. With my boyish good looks and bad boy charm, I’m still a force to be reckoned with.
I glance over at the open case, the credits just sitting there and taunting me with a future of incredible freedom and wealth.
“Alright,” I finally say with a long sigh. “I’ll do it.”
Chirba-45 is a much different planet then the one I’ve been stuck on for the last few years. It’s just as wet as the marshlands of Gerbin, but in an entirely different way, covered in beachy coastlines and tropical palms that sway in the cool ocean breeze.
While it may seem a little too nice for some of the most dastardly characters in The Umpire, they apparently have a silent hand in almost everything here, taxing the local and turning the entire planet into a playground for the galaxies wealthy elite. Creatures travel from light-years away just to relax on these sandy shores, and the lions share of their credits go towards funding The
