I’m dropped off on Chriba-45 with the cover of being a local investor, looking to propose a new luxury hotel on these pristine alien shores. While Darth Bater is certainly busy during his time here, I have a meeting scheduled for eight.
It’s nearly time.
Arriving at the Umpire base, I climb out of my speeder pod and look up at the massive grey dome, taking in the structure as it looms with menace over the tropical vista around it.
The nearby guards are immediately suspicious of my presence, drawing their blasters until I show them my credentials and they wave me onward; after a throughout inspection, of course. I have no weapons on me for them to find, my mission holding a singular, erotic purpose.
I’m met by some kind of Umpire ambassador, then lead through a gate and up a large set to stairs. At the top of the steps is the dome’s entrance; where even more armed guards are stationed. We stop before them.
“The password please,” the Umpire ambassador says.
My heart drops, realizing immediately that I have no idea what he is talking about. This is not something that the Bubbles had planned for, some kind of new security measure that our intelligence must have missed when they were procuring my safe passage.
“The password…” I stammer, trying to think fast. I’m a smooth talker when I need to be, but I know for a fact that there’s no way to talk myself out of this one. My only hope is in simply guessing the password for myself.
My gaze drifts up towards the massive Butt Star station that floats in the sky above us like a perfect pair of planet sized buns.
“The password,” I start again, “is butt…” I let the word drift off, watching as the ambassador starts to smile. “…holes?”
“Right this way,” the ambassador announces with a nod.
The guards step aside to allow us passage.
Soon enough we find ourself in a long, empty hallway that extends deep down into the structure.
“Don’t get too excited,” the ambassador tells me, his voice lowered. “I’m the only one who knows the daily password, but luckily I’m on your side.”
I’m shocked at the incredible revelation. “So you’re the mole?” I question.
The ambassador nods.
“Why didn’t you grab the plans?” I ask him.
We reach an elevator and the ambassador waves me inside. “Do I look like I could seduce Darth Bater?” he scoffs.
“Does he really masturbate that much?” I question.
The ambassador doesn’t answer me, leaving me instead with a statement as the elevator door closes. “You’re our only hope,” the ambassador says.
Suddenly I find myself alone on the lift, hurtling upwards towards the top of the dome. When the elevator slows to a stop I find myself flooded with anxiety, unsure if I am equipped to carry out this dangerous and terrifying mission.
The door slides open and before me is a large, sterile meeting room, across which stands a tall figure in a black cloak. Atop his head is a dark helmet, and from within it emanates a deep, mechanical breathing.
“Hello,” I offer meekly. “Darth Bater?”
Slowly, the figure turns around to reveal his terrifying visage, a jet-black suit of space-age armor topped by a skeletal mask of darkness. The breathing gets louder and louder as he approaches, and just as he’s about the reach me the figure reaches up to remove his helmet. He does so very slowly, lifting it up and away until finally revealing the face of a handsome unicorn underneath.
“It’s nice to meet you,” Darth Bater says. “I’m Darth.”
The imposing creature extends a mechanical hoof and shakes my hand, immediately filling me with a visceral attraction to this handsome unicorn dictator. Heading into this, genuine lust for Bater was not something that I expected to feel, but now that I’m here the sensation is unmistakable.
“I’m Lerpo,” I say, momentarily forgetting that I was instructed to use a fake name.
“I hear you’re interested in being a part of the construction here on Chirba-45. Seven billion credits is a lot of money to put behind the cause of the Umpire.” Darth Bater informs me.
“What can I say, I like what you’ve done with the place,” I tell him. “The sand, the surf.”
“Not really my thing,” Bater tells me bluntly. “Although I appreciate your support, none the less. I think your hotel would be great here.”
I can already tell that I’m losing the unicorn’s interest with this business talk, and losing it fast. I wouldn’t normally make a move so quickly but at this point a swift attempt at intimacy is my only hope.
“What is your thing?” I ask Bater, reaching out and touching his hoof again. The unicorn stares back at me for a second with a menacingly blank expression, but as our eyes lock I can briefly see something flicker playfully behind them. I’m fully aware that Darth Bater keeps himself drained of all sexuality, but who is to say there isn’t some force of gay lust lurking deep down within him. He is a creature of darkness, yes, but I still believe I can find some good.
“What are you trying to say?” the unicorn asks gruffly.
I’m faced with the choice of pulling back immediately or doubling down on my seduction, and I decide to courageously push onward. “Is this your thing?” I continue, running my hand up the length of the unicorn’s arm until it rests against his cheek.
I pull Darth Bater towards me and he does not resist, in fact, he wraps his arms around my body and pulls me even tighter. Our lips meet and suddenly the two of us find ourselves in a powerful embrace, making out ferociously as we give in to our homoerotic temptations.
Suddenly, Bater steps back. “What am I doing?” he asks aloud. “I’m never this horny.”
“Maybe there’s more than
