“I’m glad you made me stay.”
“Me too,” Joyce said, tilting her head slightly, “I have a question. Have you considered what it would be like if you were in an intimate relationship with another person?”
“Like having sex with someone?”
“No, like an actual boyfriend or girlfriend. I see you spending a lot of time with Caleb. Are you two dating?”
“This conversation sounds vaguely familiar,” I said, glancing at her sideways, “but no, I don’t see Caleb like that. I think if I were ever to be with someone it would be a woman.”
“Okay,” Joyce said, exhaling, “What do you think that would be like, is there anyone that you are drawn to?”
“Not exactly. It’s weird, because. I know I have never been in love, yet I feel like I have. It’s like I know she exists. I swear at times I sleep at night and I can feel her. I know what she smells like, what she feels like. In these moments, I know who she is, and it’s like I’ve always known. I can feel her under my skin. I feel my soul is searching for her. Like we are constantly looking for each other, yet we are always with each other. Like she’s already a part of me and one day we will find each other, at least I hope we will. The fleeting feeling I get when I feel this person is more valuable than any feeling I’ve felt with anyone I’ve met in this world.”
“What situation brings out this feeling the most?”
“The rain. The smell, the sound, even the feel of it provokes these feelings the most. I just wish I knew why.”
“I think you should trust these feelings. I believe they’re there for a reason.”
Chapter Sixteen
Loyalty
With growth and strength can also come foolishness. I was feeling exceptionally prepared for the world beyond the house and work. I wanted to put my newfound self-control to the test. One evening when I was feeling particularly brave, I ventured out for a run with alternative motives. I just wanted to see the extent of my progress, to visit my old home, maybe grab a few of my things, and visit Joanne. I was sure she was concerned with my whereabouts. I ran a mile-and-a-half to the nearest bus stop that would take me into the city. Though I knew I was being slightly reckless, I couldn’t wait to prove, not only to Law but also myself, that I was strong enough to stand up to the temptations of the world.
Getting into the city with the various stops took almost a half hour. I was worried that Law would begin to worry if I made it back too late. I rushed down the street to my old building. I ran up the stairs and hurriedly tucked myself away into the apartment, leaving the door ajar in case I needed to make a quick exit. I looked around to see the apartment was in disarray. Clearly, people had come and gone looking for something. I rushed over to my mattress and searched for my journals. Some of them were still there, but several were missing, including the one with the rules.
“Fuck. . .” I said aloud to myself, as I began shifting things around, hoping it was just hidden under something.
“What are we looking for,” Caleb’s voice asked from behind me. Startled at the sound of his voice, I turned around to see him leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed.
“I’m looking for my journals, they’re not all here.”
“You shouldn’t be here, it’s too dangerous,” Caleb said.
“Well, the sooner I find what I’m looking for, the sooner we can leave, so make yourself useful and help me.”
“Okay. What are we looking for?”
“A journal, like the rest of these, but the binding is red.”
Caleb began helping me look for it. We overturned everything trying to locate it.
“Meow,” came a loud cry from the doorway.
I glanced over to see Miles, Joanne’s cat, standing in the doorway, trying to get our attention.
“You had a cat? And you just left it here? Dani . . .” Caleb said, disappointed.
“It’s not my cat,” I said, standing up. With an unnerved feeling manifesting inside me, I walked towards the door, and as I did, Miles walked further down the hallway, continuing to produce demoralizing shrieks.
Caleb followed closely behind me. We tiptoed down the hallway toward Joanne’s apartment. The door was closed but the frame was slightly separated from the wall. It was clear someone had broken it down at some point. I put my hand against the door and it opened. It was quiet inside, except for the small drone of a talk show playing on the television. Her apartment also looked like things had been tossed about. I placed my hand on the counter, not realizing there was broken glass. I winced loudly, as a splinter slipped under my nail.
“Danielle?” A faint voice came from behind the couch. Caleb grabbed my left arm to pull me back at the sound of the voice.
“It’s okay,” I said, as he loosened his grip. I rushed over to the side of the couch. Joanne was propped up against the back of her couch; she was breathing heavily, and had a gash on her head.
“Joanne, what happened?”
“You shouldn’t be here, Danielle. These men came looking for you. They thought you would be here.”
“When did they come, Joanne?”
“They come all the time; they’re waiting for you to come back. They were nice at first, but not anymore. The other day, they were very mad. They told me that I was lying, that I did know where you were. I told them I haven’t seen you in months, but they didn’t believe me,” she said, placing her hand on her head where the gash was, “I’ve been stuck here for days. I think my leg is broken.”
“Dani, can you do something to help her?” Caleb asked.
“Yeah,” I said, reaching
