Squeezing her eyes shut hard, she pushed the thought from her mind, trying to calm herself again.
A flash of color from a blue pixie cut and a tall red-haired punk with black between them let her know that Miko, Rio, and Wei were among the watchers, all barefoot, and beside them, fidgeting, was the one thing that kept her grounded: her best friend and the girl who she could never let know how terrified she really was, Lottie Pumpkin. Like the adorable little princess she strived to be, Lottie fluttered her fingers in a painfully cute greeting over in their direction, her face etched with worry. Worry for her, and worry for Jamie. All they did was make her worry.
On the other side of the room, towering over everyone, tall and powerful in his kendo gear, Jamie was chatting with Haru and Sayuri, oblivious. Ellie watched as he waved back at Lottie without smiling, a dark knight, undefeatable, foreboding and fierce in his kendōgu. But she knew now that she’d seen him injured and vulnerable that he was human, just like the rest of them. So today she was going to prove to him that he didn’t need to protect her. That he never needed to put himself in danger again.
The thought set her fingers trembling, so she squeezed her hands into fists. Since she’d seen Jamie sick and injured in the infirmary, Ellie hadn’t been able to get the image out of her head, and the knowledge that it was her fault stuck in her gut.
I have to be stronger. I’m too weak. I put everyone in danger. It all leads back to me.
At last Haru and Sayuri moved to the kamiza, the higher area of the dojo intended for the teacher and any special guests, while Jamie put on his men and took his place at Ellie’s side, entirely oblivious to the storm raging under her mask.
“Thank you, everyone, for coming to our showcase,” Haru began in Japanese, with Sayuri translating next to him. His voice sent goose bumps over Ellie’s skin. He was too cheerful, too easygoing and soft for a Partizan, and even now that she knew it was for show it still lulled her every time he smiled. It was further proof that they couldn’t trust anyone. Nowhere was safe.
“This is not a tournament or competition,” Haru continued, and Ellie thanked goodness for her helmet so that no one could see her expression. “Today is a demonstration of all the skills and disciplines the summer-school kendoka have learned during their time at Takeshin Gakuin. They will come up in pairs to show you waza, or ‘techniques.’ Usually it takes many months, or even years to get to this level in kendo, but with our advanced course you will see how far Takeshin students can go.” Ellie barely registered his phony smile, the time inching closer to the moment of truth. “Would the first pair please come forward?”
Each pair walked to the center of the ring and engaged in a match, although there was always a clear winner. It was the regular formalities: centering, bowing, respects being paid. All the rigorous energy filled the room with a rubbery smell from the mats on the floor, the sound of shinai on shinai like a crackling firepit, and the dizzying heat of the suits gave the distinct sensation of being trapped in a burning building.
Second to last were Anastacia and Saskia. The Partizan helped her master to her feet, something that was not allowed in the practice of seiza, but Haru let it slide. Trying to pay attention, Ellie found herself fidgeting restlessly. The two girls were having too much fun, and Saskia even let Anastacia get a few hits in, even though it was obvious she was just being nice.
The display sent sweat trickling down Ellie’s spine, and she was overcome with the feverish need to get up and face her own Partizan, to prove to them all that she could do this. That she didn’t need protecting.
“Ellie and Jamie,” Haru called finally, making Ellie jump. For a split second Ellie’s mind went blank at the sound of her name, as if she’d been plummeted into someone else’s body. How could her friends act so calm around Haru? Still feeling displaced, she rose to her feet but was unable to look over at her Partizan. They were the last ones to fight, and after sitting in seiza for over thirty minutes, Ellie’s legs felt stiffer than usual.
In the center of the ring Ellie still refused to look at Jamie directly as they measured the space between them. She was terrified of bringing back the memory of his sickly face. The rubbery smell seemed to grow more intense and pungent, the heat of her suit like lava, tight and suffocating.
She had to stay calm. With one final deep breath she looked up.
Mask to mask, the sheer size of him was undeniable, a mountain looming over a hill. When they were children, she and Jamie had always been similar in height and build, skinny little things. But while Jamie had been reserved and unassuming in his size, Ellie had been a boisterous and scurrying creature. Now there was no comparison. Jamie had grown and morphed into a brooding beast, whose body pulsed and expanded with his inner torment. He transformed every burden he lay upon himself into getting stronger, bigger, more powerful, while Ellie had remained delicate, boyish, and lean. Even Lottie was starting to catch up with her in height. The more Jamie trained to protect her, the more they were growing apart.
An imaginary spark in the air like a trail of gunpowder told them both it was time. They met each other’s eyes, black and golden. Gazes locked, they bowed at a fifteen-degree angle, shinai held firmly in place, arms unmoving.
The room held its breath, her grip tightening,
