‘So … what happened …?’
‘A lady came and sat down next to me. She had a baby too, in a pram. I think they were Indian, or something … She said hello to the baby first and asked me her name. Minnie, I said. She told me her little girl was called Aisha. She didn’t ask my name. She mainly spoke to Minnie who … was so quiet. The lady said she was such a good girl, so happy and calm … like her daddy. For a moment, I was wondering what he might be like, her daddy, who she was going to be back with soon … and then I thought … she means me. The lady thinks I’m her daddy. Course she does. I’m sitting there, holding her, looking after her. Who else would do that except her father? Who loves her, whatever happens? Her father. Who will always put her first, above all? Her father. That’s me.’
There was a catch in his voice. He was trying hard to keep it together. This was the most difficult challenge he’d faced yet in his young life.
Hope held her breath. He was so very nearly there, where she wanted him to be, where Minnie was their daughter with no further debate, where it was over and they could get on with living. Where it was all normal. He was standing right on the edge of that …
Minnie suckled contentedly.
Suck. Suck. Suck. She moaned quiet little baby moans of gratification. The most calming sound in the world.
Isaac watched Minnie, so at home on her mother’s breast. Belonging there. He longed for this image of the three of them to be how it would always be, how it rightly should be.
He continued, ‘In that moment, sitting there, she assumed I was a father. She knew it as a fact; she didn’t question it for a second. They all did. Anyone who put eyes on me today saw me with my daughter. Saw a good dad. And that’s what I could be. What I am, when she’s here. I can’t be, if she’s gone. She’s … gone. Minnie is gone …’
Hope saw him slipping back into the early-morning chaos of that day. She couldn’t let that happen, or all would be lost.
‘Isaac, look at me. Here we are, look, here she is. She’s safe. It’s gonna be OK, babe … You did the right thing …’
‘No, Hope, I didn’t. I sat there for ages, looking at her, knowing what I had to do. You don’t know how much I wanted this. All of us together. You happy. Her happy. She was looking at me, she’s innocent, only I could make the decision for her. It was all down to me. I even stood up and put her down on the seat behind me, and I moved away, started to go. I couldn’t. I couldn’t. I was responsible for her. I was the only person who knew where she was, how she was …’
‘Who she was. Who she IS,’ Hope chimed in.
‘I know who she is, Bubs, and I know who you want her to be. Right then, at the hospital, I decided that those people upstairs had already had her taken away, they’re dealing with that, I know it must be hard but … you would have to deal with her … with a baby being taken again, twice, if I left her there right then. I know you. I know how … heartbroken you were this morning and how quickly mended she made you. I love you, Hope, I do, I know how beautiful your heart is, how pure. How lucky any child would be to have you as a mummy. I’m in your team. I’m loyal. I’m loyal. I’m a loyal man …’
‘Yes, Isaac, you are, and that’s why I love you.’ Hope affirmed it. She spoke the truth. And there’s nothing like a truth, even a half-truth, to underpin a whole lie, however big. Somehow a lie settles better on a righteous foundation. It’s like the clotted cream on top of the jam on top of the scone.
It sits well.
It’s easier to eat.
With his truth rumbling about as the bedrock for his justification, Isaac had made another big decision.
‘From the minute I went back out of the hospital doors, that was it. I’m in. No one stopped me. I carried her back here, all the way, walking home. To you. This is where she needs to be. You two need to be together. I see that. It didn’t start right, but it’s come right.’ Isaac’s conviction was veneer thin but getting thicker every minute. He told himself that he’d somehow behaved honourably. Both of them were slightly mad that day. Yet they were in tune. Working together, they seemed to have got away with it. ’Til that point, at least.
But Isaac had more to say. ‘I’m glad you’re happy, Hope. You ARE happy, aren’t you?’ he asked, genuinely seeking the answer. He wanted to conquer her suffering, whatever the cost to his own moral record. He was most definitely ‘in’, and in deep. He’d never felt more of a foreigner before. This step away from his well-trodden, principled and honest path was uncomfortable, but he knew this was his decision. She was looking to him. For surety. For reassurety.
‘Isaac, this is everything. EVERYTHING. All I need for my life, OUR lives, to be good and meaningful is in this room. We are going to live right, I promise you. Minnie will know what it is to be safe and to be loved. She’s going to know that her life can be anything she wants it to be. She’s gonna fly, Isaac, really fly high.’
Hope watched as Isaac stood up, shook off the duvet, and moved to the sink where he put his teacup down.
‘Well. Now. That’s good. Very good. Her life will be a good one. Yes. I just want you to know some things, Bubs …’
He turned to
