‘It depends on the compromise.’ Sonia looks at me. ‘Did Matt think the same way? Would you say he compromised?’
Had he? I think of the times I went along with what he wanted, not wanting to rock the boat. Had he done the same for me?
Sonia doesn’t push it further. ‘Have you thought about maybe seeing your GP? They might be able to prescribe something – even in the short term – that might help you through this.’
*
I decide to take her advice and after a visit to my GP, anti-depressants draw a veil over my emotions, while milestones become a measure of the passing of time. The next comes a week to the day after our wedding should have taken place. Today, at this time, we should have been on our way to Rome airport, our taxi weaving through the streets to catch our return flight, heading home to Christmas together, our hearts filled with joy and regret at leaving a beautiful city. But we could always come back, I’d have whispered to Matt, imagining him nodding his agreement, taking my hand. Us: the foolish woman and the liar.
We should have been flying home to the rest of our lives. Gazing out through the kitchen window, I wonder if in a parallel universe, we are there together. Another Matt and Amy, laughing, happy. Honest. Waiting for a plane somewhere in Italy; neither of us able to imagine that in another place and another time, he has disappeared and I’m alone.
Then I remind myself what he’s done to me, my broken heart raging, warped, illogical, savage with its intent – the Matt who’s hurt me so deeply and who I’m incensed with, as I oscillate between tarnished love and noxious hate.
Jess comes home for Christmas earlier than I’m expecting. So far, I’ve told her as little as I can get away with, but as I recount what the police have told me about Matt’s double life, her shock is written on her face.
‘I can’t believe it. He’s vile, Mum. You’re well shot of him.’ A frown crosses her face. ‘I never liked him.’
Her words shock me, then I’m filled with guilt. How had I never noticed? Or had I been so wrapped up in myself, I hadn’t seen what was right in front of me? ‘Why?’
She shakes her head. ‘He was awful to you – so many times. He really was. I don’t think you saw it.’ She pauses. ‘I’m not sure why, but to start with, I’m not sure I did, either. But I didn’t say anything, because I thought you were happy.’
For a moment I don’t reply. ‘You know we had ups and downs, but everyone has them and they were rare. We were OK, Jess.’
‘Really? He was always putting you down,’ she says softly. ‘Sometimes …’ A cloud crosses her face as she breaks off. ‘Never mind.’
‘What were you going to say?’ I frown at her.
Her eyes are serious as she looks at me. ‘I was going to say, I didn’t trust him.’
‘I had no idea.’ Yet again, her words shock me. How hadn’t I known how Jess felt? I’d always trusted him – until I had every reason not to. ‘I honestly can’t believe you felt like that. You should have told me.’
‘I couldn’t. I thought you wanted to be with him.’ She shakes her head. ‘But it was the way he used to look at me. Even at the beginning, when he was saying all the right things to you, when it was just him and me, he made it quite clear he wasn’t interested in me. I suppose, being at uni and meeting different people … I don’t know. It makes you look at things differently.’
‘Everyone’s different. Everyone’s relationships are different.’ I protest, uncomfortable, trying not to show the effect her words are having on me. ‘The only people who really know what a relationship’s like are those who’re involved in it.’ Noticing Jess staring at me, I break off.
‘I don’t know how you’re so calm.’
She’s right. I’m unnaturally calm, with a chemically induced numbness. ‘I’m taking something. Just short term – it helps.’ I hesitate. ‘I’ve been seeing Sonia again, too.’
‘Your therapist from before? That’s really good, Mum.’ Jess looks relieved.
‘Jess.’ I’m struggling for the right words, but really, it’s simple. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Why should you be sorry?’ Jess looks outraged.
‘I’m sorry you’ve been dragged into this. That I didn’t know how you felt about Matt. That you’re worrying about me instead of getting on with your own life back at uni.’ For a moment, the veil the drugs have drawn threatens to lift. I force myself to take a deep, shaky breath. ‘Maybe it was my fault. Maybe if I’d done something differently, this wouldn’t have happened. I’m not saying what Matt’s done is excusable, but I can’t help wondering.’
Her eyes flash. ‘You are joking, right? I honestly can’t believe you said that. Matt’s the one who should be sorry,’ she says angrily. ‘He shouldn’t have cheated on you.’ A frown crosses her face. ‘Are the police sure it isn’t this other woman who’s lying?’
‘The same thing’s occurred to me.’ I shrug. ‘But for whatever reason, they seem to believe her. They say they have proof – CCTV, photos. The other thing is …’ I pause. ‘Even if she was lying, you have to ask why.’
‘She could be a psychopath. People think it’s just men who get obsessed, but it isn’t always. I wasn’t going to tell you, Mum, but there’s this girl in my hall who’s just been arrested. She’s been stalking her boyfriend, doing sick things like sending him dead birds and spreading all these lies about him. She seemed so nice. Everyone thought she was lovely. None of us had any idea.’
‘God.’ The thought of Jess being exposed to someone like that shocks me. ‘There was something else that happened. Actually, two things.’ After
