Feeding on her soul, each time diminishing her, it always passed. And for a fleeting moment, even though she was empty inside, the rain would always clear and the sun would come out. A sun that was progressively weakening, but still bright enough to remind her how good they were together, how much she needed him; an illusion briefly painted that couldn’t last.
Her conviction that he loved her never faltered. Love takes many guises, after all, and her belief never wavered. There was always the hope that maybe one day, things would change. It was enough to keep her holding on, to this cruellest, most desperate love that illuminated her darkness, out of fear of losing him, of once again, being alone.
The paradox of what it means to love.
Amy
Chapter Twelve
Even after what Cath said, I can’t yet bring myself to pack Matt’s clothes away. Having been through his pockets several times, as well as the drawer where we leave old letters and bills, I’ve searched every corner of the house. The police have been here and searched too, but even so, we’re still missing something.
The more time passes, the more I think about Jess’s comment, about the way Matt concealed his past. I’d always told myself that at our age, it could take years to share our life stories, but I can’t deny that there’s too much about his past I don’t know. If only there was someone I could ask. A tap on the window at the side of the kitchen startles me. Looking up, I see Lara’s face. Waving, she carries on round the back of the house and comes in through the sliding doors.
‘Hey.’ She looks anxious. Her cheek is cold as it brushes against mine. ‘Any news?’
I shake my head. ‘Nothing. There’s still no sign of him.’
‘The police have been in touch. They asked if I thought he’d taken off.’ Lara’s clear blue eyes hold mine. ‘But you know I don’t believe that. I know Matt well enough to know that if he hadn’t wanted to marry you, he would have been straight with you.’
‘Thank you.’ I keep my voice level. ‘It helps to know you think that, if only because it’s what I believed. I told the police exactly the same.’
Her hand is cool as it touches my arm, her eyes full of concern. ‘I’ve racked my brains, Amy. I can’t think of a single reason why he’d deliberately do this to you. You have to hang in there. Life can be surprising and we still don’t know what’s happened to him.’ Then it’s as if she reads my mind as she adds, ‘Someone, somewhere, must know something. People can’t just disappear, not in this day and age. Don’t you think someone must be hiding something?’
But like Cath, Lara doesn’t know everything. ‘It’s got more complicated since I last spoke to you.’ Pulling out one of the kitchen chairs, I sit down, and Lara does the same, putting her car keys on the table. ‘After he went missing, another woman reported her partner missing. Another man called Matt. Their descriptions are the same.’
A look of shock crosses her face. ‘A coincidence, surely? It isn’t an unusual name.’
But I’m already shaking my head. ‘It’s definitely him. She knew where he worked. She knew about me, too. The police have photos and CCTV footage. For ages, I tried to tell myself it was a mistake.’ I gaze blankly at her. ‘It was easier than believing the truth, which is that he’s a lying bastard. I still don’t understand how he could do this to me.’
Her eyes widen in alarm. ‘Have you seen the photos?’
I shake my head. ‘The police won’t give me any details about her – data protection, or something. But she told the police he was planning to leave me for her. It explains why he took out the wedding insurance, doesn’t it? And why he didn’t tell me?’
‘I don’t believe it.’ Lara looks shocked.
‘I didn’t, either. But I have to. And I don’t know where that leaves me. I’m hurt. Angry that he’s betrayed me. I can’t tell if this woman’s lied about him planning to leave me. Would he really have left it so close to the wedding to tell me? And no-one knows where he is or if something’s happened to him.’ With so many loose ends, so many lies, my reference points have gone.
‘I know Matt had a bit of a past, but since he met you, I thought he’d turned a page. He really seemed determined to make it work with you.’
But I’m frowning. ‘What do you mean? About him having a past?’ How come Lara knows more about it than I do?
‘For a while, there were a lot of women in his life. All casual …’
‘Hold on a minute …’ My mind is racing as I work out what she’s saying. Matt’s never mentioned any of this. I frown at her. ‘How do you know about this?’
Looking awkward, her eyes shift slightly. ‘Nothing, really. It was a throwaway comment. I mean, everyone makes mistakes, don’t they?’
Suddenly I see her with a stranger’s eyes, noting her slim figure, her smooth fair hair and radiant skin, as. my brain starts pulling the threads of what I know together, in some warped way, tying knots I can’t untangle. The calls. The way Matt would stop by to see her on his way home from work. He tried it on with Cath. Why not Lara? I stare at her in shock. ‘You and Matt … You have to tell me, Lara. I know you were friends. But was there ever anything more between you?’
A look of horror crosses her face. ‘Of course there wasn’t. I’ve been planning your wedding, Amy. Nothing’s happened between us. Look, you’re upset and it’s not surprising …’
But I interrupt her. ‘You
