Almost!
My heart had turned to stone. At least that’s what I convinced myself. So, no matter what he said or what he did, I will not turn back.
“J please, ask me to do anything else. Anything. Just—” He paused for a moment, his eyes searching mine.
“Just don’t leave me…” His words made him very vulnerable. He was taking a risk even uttering them. Vulnerable like I was watching him walk into his party with another woman on his arm.
“Do you love me?” My voice was cold.
“More than anything in this world.”
Be strong, sista! He doesn’t mean it!
“Then let me go.”
He rubbed his hand down his face. I could see him wrestling with himself to do the right thing. He didn’t answer right away, I began to get worried that he was going to force me to fulfill the contract anyway.
“I’ll tear up the contract only under one condition.” He spoke those words without looking at me. He stared straight ahead out his front window.
“What?”
“You don’t leave D.C., you stay here in this house and allow me to continue to support Ayana and you.” I began to shake my head, but he held up his hand.
“Just hear me out.”
Although I didn’t feel like I owed him anything I sat back in the seat and listened.
“I f***ed up. I know that. It’s so many things I should have done differently. I have to own up to that. But a man needs to know he’s taking care of his child and his wom—” He caught himself.
“His child’s mother. So please, I won’t force you to allow me to see Ayana. I would like to see her, but I won’t force you. Just stay here close to me, so that at least I’ll know you guys are safe.”
I wanted to say no to his request, but my mother had raised me to have compassion. She called it the fruits of the spirit. If the roles were reversed and I could not see Ayana, I would go mad with worry. And yes, I would want her to be in the same town as me. I would want to know without a shadow of a doubt that she was safe.
But he wanted me to continue taking money from him. To me that was personal. It would make me feel like I was still his.
Well…there was a such thing as child support. And famous people like him paid a grip. Maybe I could look at it like that.
“If I agree to this, will you tear up the contract?”
Still staring straight ahead, it was clear he was not happy with my question, the muscle ticked in the side of his chin.
“Yes.”
It took everything within me to school my features.
I was free! I couldn’t believe it…
“Okay, deal.”
I didn’t wait to see how he took the news, I just opened the door and got out. Without looking back, I took my keys out my bag and went into my quiet home. After I closed the door I leaned back and listened as he started the car and pulled off. Only then did I exhale in relief.
“Oh God!” I whispered into the empty living room.
I can’t believe it’s over.
“Journey, is that you?” My mother called from upstairs. I could hear the gentle hum of her television. No doubt she was watching the afternoon news.
I began to head in that direction. “Yeah mama, it’s me. Don’t get up, I’m coming up.”
Remembering I had blood on me I stopped at her bedroom door, so glad she was lying down in her bed and could not see the back of me.
“How are you feeling?” She asked sitting up in her bed. It looked like she had been napping.
“I’ve been better.”
She smiled sadly at me as she patted her bed next to her. “You want to come lay down and tell me about it?”
“How about over tea a little later? I really need to shower and to get some rest.”
She nodded as her eyes raked over me trying to determine in what condition I was in. More than anything I wanted to lie next to her and cry my eyes out, and if I wasn’t covered in that man’s blood, I would.
“Where is—”
“Not coming back.” Tears came to my eyes as I waited to see how she was going to take the news. Surprisingly, she didn’t say much, just nodded once again.
“Okay, baby. Ayana just laid down for a nap, so go ahead and get some rest.” I nodded.
“Thanks, mama.”
The first thing I did when I closed my bedroom door was strip out of my blood-stained clothes. I didn’t bother putting them in the dirty clothes hamper, instead I put them in a bag and pressed it down in my trash can. I didn’t want my mother to see them. She would ask questions that I was not prepared to answer.
I stood for a moment and stared at the shower. My hand lifted as if it had a mind of its own and touched the glass. Just the other day, Jo made love to me in this shower, I remembered the claw marks my fingers made in the steam as I grabbed onto the glass, needing an anchor or anything to let me know that I was not dying of pleasure.
Snap out of it, Journey! If you’re going to get over him, you can’t be thinking about how awesome the sex was…
I made quick work in the shower, not able to stand amongst those memories. The moans and the quiet screams that had come from my lips that day now haunted me. But that wasn’t where the ghost of amazing sex past ended. I found myself standing in front of the bed staring at the sheets and blanket that still carried the scent of us.
How can I sleep in this big bed without him?
Tears filled my eyes as I angrily began to rip the sheets off the bed.
I hated him!
I hated him!
I hated him, because I loved him still…
Disgusted with myself I curled up on
