Peter flashed his bloodshot eyes at me.
I grimaced back. Sorry.
Maria winced. “I, uh—unfortunately, I’m legally unable to give you more details.” She grimaced. “Sorry.”
I sucked on my lips. This was unfortunate, because now I was dying to know what the story with this iguana was. I leaned forward, elbows on my thighs and cupped my face in my hands. The giant green lizard, its tail stretching long behind it, slowly turned to face us. It blinked.
Peter cleared his throat. “I apologize for being so direct, but Pearl Litt was recently murdered. Did you kill her?”
Maria gasped and played with the button at the neck of her cardigan. “Sands below. No!” She shook her head. “I wish I could give you more details, but to be honest, if anything I should be thanking Potent Potions. After the settlement, I was able to afford a beautiful new home.”
She gestured around at her place, then leaned forward and held a hand to the side of her mouth as if sharing a secret. “And to be honest, before the incident, John and I had our fair share of issues. He was demanding and rude, and frankly, it only got worse as he got sicker. To be honest, we get along better now than we ever have.” She patted the lizard gently on its head. “We read together, take trips together, and never fight anymore.”
Peter and I exchanged wide-eyed looks.
He turned back to Maria, brows pinched together. “You know, Mrs. Wu, I think I could use a pick-me-up—it’s been a long night. Could I trouble you for that cup of coffee?” He turned to me. “Jolene?” He raised his brows significantly.
“Uh—yeah.” I frowned at him, puzzled, then grinned at Maria. “Make it two.”
“Oh, of course.” She gave a prim smile, then rose. She bent low over the lizard. “John, you keep our guests company while I’m gone.” She flashed us another bright smile, then bustled off, I assumed, to the kitchen.
Once she’d disappeared, Peter jerked his head toward the lizard. “Can you talk to him?”
I smirked. “Her husband?”
The corner of his mouth twitched toward a smile. “Maybe it knows what happened to her to make her think she’s married to it? Maybe the potions messed with her cognition?”
Daisy held very still, eyes glued to the lizard, and whined. Does it bite?
I leaned my face close to hers and woofed. Only dogs named Daisy.
Her dark eyes slid to me, unamused, but I chuckled and after a glance toward the doorway Maria had disappeared through, rose and sat beside the lizard. I sobered up a bit as it fixed its cold, reptilian eye on me. Did it bite? I kept my hands tucked under my thighs just in case it went for my fingers.
I cleared my throat and let out a few sniffles and sneezes—the elegant language of iguanas.
The creature grew perfectly still except for its scaly sides ballooning in and out—the only sign it was alive and possibly listening.
Hi there—any idea why this woman thinks you’re her husband?
The iguana jerked its head up and stared at me out of one eye. It sneezed. You speak iguana?
I nodded and sniffled. I do. Can you tell—
It scrambled toward me, faster than I’d thought possible, and I yelped and jumped off the couch.
Oh, sands! I’m trapped in this flippin’ lizard body! Somebody else to talk to who isn’t my wife—she drones on and on!
I blinked down at it, looking from the startled Peter and Daisy back to the lizard. I pressed my eyes shut for a moment then sniffled and croaked.
Let me get this straight—you’re telling me you actually are her husband, John?
22
THE LIZARD
The lizard bobbed its bearded head up and down, its mohawk of spiny spikes bristling. I got sick about a year ago. Maria was a terrible caretaker. Granted, she tried everything she could think of to get me well and catered to me, but could she get anything right? No! The soup was always too hot or too cold, my bedsheets got tangled around my legs, I got bored all the time and she was terrible at entertaining me, and despite my repeated, very detailed instructions on how I needed to be cared for, she just couldn’t seem to follow them!
I shot a side-eye look at Peter. Maria hadn’t been kidding when she’d said they got along better now—this guy sounded miserable to live with, much less care for while sick.
I turned back to the iguana and hissed. So what happened to turn you into a lizard?
Some old friend of hers got wind that I was sick and we were going through tough times and recruited her into her downline for that scam Potent Potions.
I nodded. Sounded about right. From what I knew of these pyramid schemes, the higher ups encouraged their downlines to prey on the lonely, struggling, and poor—anyone going through a tough time that’d make them desperate for a better life.
I shook my head thinking of Ralph Litt’s opulent hotel suite. They milked these people dry—forcing them to exploit their closest relationships and invest money they likely didn’t have, all with false promises of success—then lived the high life while these people suffered. It was deplorable, and the lawyer in me itched to dig into the business and get justice for people like Maria. Even the “friend” who’d signed her up was likely a victim herself—forced to recruit more suckers as the only way of recovering some of her own investment.
The lizard, John, huffed and sneezed, snapping me back to the present.
They filled her head with all these ridiculous promises about what their little vials of potions could do and how it’d cure me of my illness. Ha! It started with just patches of skin turning all scaly, then one day I woke up and poof—I’m a lizard!
I shook my head. That’s awful. And it was… so why was I still having to fight not to laugh? So the potions turned you into a lizard—I’ve never heard
