“Alysa ran out of hope, but I didn’t see it.” Jake’s shoulders hunched. “My daughter is motherless and suffered a horrible trauma. I can never make that up to her. I should have figured it out, but I didn’t.”
We lay there for a few minutes, me rubbing his back until his tense muscles relaxed a little. “It’s not your fault.”
“Isn’t it? I should have checked on her. For sure, I should have known she couldn’t be trusted to be alone with Sari, that I couldn’t count on Stella to follow through with her promise to check on them.”
As the wind whipped around our little tent, I wished there was something I could say or do to ease his pain, but everything seemed trite and paltry. Jake had surely gone down every avenue in his own mind, torturing himself with all the what ifs, leaving me little to comfort him with.
“So now you know. Maybe this is unfair. Me, being selfish, and now you’re tangled up in my crappy life. It’s hardly what you signed on for.”
“This truth doesn’t change how I feel about you or us,” I whispered. “It makes us stronger, because now I understand.”
The hard truths about Jake’s loss were finally seeing the light of day, leaving me relieved yet fearful. The death of his wife was as bad as Beth had imagined, though for different reasons. Things like that caused trauma, leaving unseen scars on the psyche. Right now, the man needed patience and love, the only things that would make it possible for us to move forward. I renewed my resolve to be there for him, to not panic and run.
As I unzipped the tent and peered into the darkness, the cool night air surrounded me. “Jake? Where are you?” I hugged myself, rubbing my arms through my sweatshirt. The only sound was the steady chirping of crickets. “Did a bear eat you?”
Jake’s low laugh had me straining to spot him. “Luckily, no. Come out here.”
I grabbed the small wind-up flashlight and flicked the switch, getting only a faint beam of light.
“You’re ruining my night vision.”
“How can I join you if I can’t find you?” I muttered, turning off the light, though I kept it clutched in my hand as I stepped out and zipped the tent. “Talk to me.”
“Over here. To your right, on the beach. Just be careful.”
I picked my way through the stones and branches littering the landscape, shapes emerging as my eyes adjusted to the low light. Soon, I found him propped against a weather-worn log, wrapped in a blanket. “What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.”
“I’ll warm you up.” He pulled me onto his knees, folding me inside the secure confines of his embrace. “Better?”
“Perfect.” I curled up in his lap, my head resting on his chest. “Another nightmare?”
“Nope. The wind died down and nature called. When I got out here, I saw that.” He pointed up. “The Milky Way and Aurora Borealis.”
“Incredible.” Leaning back against his shoulder, I watched the continuous waves of colourful light dance across the vast black canvas above us. “Now that’s a show. Almost as good as the one during our camping trip to Kejimkujik. We hiked so much I thought my feet would fall off, but it was amazing, seeing all the seals and birds on that beach.”
“That was St. Catherines River Beach. I’d like to camp at Kejimkujik again when Sari’s older.” He cuddled me closer, resting his cheek against my hair. “That was our favourite weekend trip with Mom. She’d take us to the tidal pools at Seaside, and we’d explore all the different trails, making a game of spotting the petroglyphs, and we’d kayak the lakes and rivers. It’s sad that Sari will never experience adventures with her abuela.”
I rubbed his arm. “I wish I could have met your mom. She’d be proud of you and Luci.”
"I hope so, though I fear I’ve made far too many mistakes.” He sighed. “Mom’s been gone almost seventeen years, and I still miss her. Marisol’s amazing, but my mother had this innate wisdom. There were many times I wished I could ask her what to do.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my fingertips continuing their travels up and down his arm. It might have been years, but there could be no time limit on grief or loss, and Jake had experienced more than his fair share.
“Mom would have loved you, Mare.” He kissed my temple.
It was hard to imagine who Jake would be now if his life played out differently. I stared up at the vibrant lights snaking across the infinite space above us, sinking into the comfortable silence and the warmth of our blanket cocoon. At this moment, anything seemed possible, but I knew from experience that every choice, no matter how tiny, would impact me in ways that could never be foreseen.
I held out the bag of trail mix to Jake as he tucked the final bag of gear into his kayak’s hold. “Want some?”
Jake straightened and stretched. “Thanks.” He tossed a handful into his mouth, then finished the last swallow of our morning coffee. “Got to love those travel stoves. Morning caffeine is essential.”
“Thanks for breaking down the camp and packing.” I squinted toward the water. “Time to pull out the sunglasses,” I said, tucking my ponytail through the back of my cap.
“Mmmhmm.” The man stepped toward me, pulling me against him with one arm wrapped around my waist. “How is it you look so amazing this morning?” He nibbled my neck, and then pressed his face against my hair. “You smell incredible.”
My giggle couldn’t be contained, growing into full laughter as he plied me with more kisses, tickling me before his lips finally landed on mine. I ran my fingers through his hair, enjoying both the salty taste on his tongue and the way the heat from his body warmed me even more than the early
