Evelyn wanted nothing more than to lose herself. Perched on the sea wall, built to keep back the power of the waves, her legs hanging above the sand, she did not care that she was cold. She felt it but enjoyed the numb, creeping sensation of it spreading from her extremities and towards her core. She felt reckless, drunk with grief and loss.
To end it entirely would be easy. To slide from the wall, cross the sand, let the waves wash around her ankles, then higher. She would have to walk out to sea to accomplish it. The beach was very shallow. But the tide was high and it would not take long to vanish. Just as he had done. As everything had done.
She knew this beach in the sunshine. She knew it as a place of family and bright days. Never again. Those things were permanently eclipsed and could never emerge from the shadows. Shadows she had cast herself.
Perhaps she was a coward. She was certainly more of a coward than he had been, for she knew she would not take that walk into the water. Living with the pain seemed a just punishment for her actions.
Yet did she repent? She asked herself again and again. Was she really in the wrong? Or had she simply been keeping a promise, more important than any other she’d made?
The rain started to fall, the edge of the approaching storm. The water soaked through her thin cardigan and the cotton dress beneath and cooled the last heat in her body. She felt the drops running over her scalp, her hair growing heavier with it, until the curls at the front were slick on her cheeks. Though instinct urged her to seek shelter, she would not. She would stay here. Perhaps she’d catch an awful fever, could take to her bed and pretend there was not a world outside. Just as the world seemed to have forgotten her. She let the rain soak her clothes, the wind lash her wet skin, and she shivered and remained where she was, hidden by the weather and the night.
At least half an hour had passed since the rain began. The tide had progressed towards her, the waves now beneath her feet, just touching the sea wall with each swell. She had stopped thinking, finally achieved the state of not caring about anything which she had so desired. A low rumbling sound blended with the wind and the waves. It was only when a flash of yellow light briefly came from behind her, casting her shadow against the approaching sea, that she took full notice of the accompanying sound, startled. Fear of being discovered was her first emotion and she turned, intending to stand and walk up the hill into the trees. Tonight she wanted only to be alone, numb.
As she rose to her feet, Evelyn gave an involuntary cry of pain. The cold had made her muscles stiff. She was forced to lean on the wall, pausing before she could flee. A motor car approaching along the coast road was not so unusual these days. But somehow, this car in the night-time felt like a threat. The illumination of its headlamps was too much to bear. She did not want to be seen.
Too late, she managed to walk a few paces towards the trees. The motor car, its rumbling engine now louder than the wind, rounded the corner and she was caught fully in the beams of light. Like a rabbit, she stopped, turning to stare, blinded as she looked fully into the two illuminated circles. The car itself was just a dark shadow behind them.
Abruptly, the car stopped. Evelyn, who had been expecting it to drive straight past her and leave her to her misery, felt her heart beat harder. Now she was afraid, of the stranger behind the wheel who had so obviously stopped because they had seen her at the side of the road.
She wanted to run, but stood transfixed instead, watching and waiting as the driver’s door opened. A figure emerged, tall and broad shouldered, hatless.
A flicker of recognition warmed Evelyn for a moment, a flash of colour and light and joy, a world half remembered. But the cold edged it out. Not here, it was impossible. Too far away.
“Evelyn?” a familiar voice called.
Heat flooded back through Evelyn’s veins, even as the incomprehension dizzied her. Relief made her breathless, as the driver of the car walked towards her and clasped her cold, weakened body in a strong embrace.
Chapter Twenty-two
Jos held Evelyn, squeezing her close. Evelyn’s clothes were sodden, her hair plastered to her head, and she was shivering. Hot tears rose in Jos’s eyes and she cursed herself for not coming here sooner. It didn’t matter how much whisky she drank, how many times she tried to tempt herself by gazing at other women, she only wanted Evelyn. To have left Evelyn to the disapproval of her family, without so much as a note, had been a horrendous misjudgement.
Of course, Vernon, Dorothy, Clara, and Courtney had tried to persuade her to write to Evelyn. She only knew the address because Evelyn had left the letter from her sister, Annie, behind at Dorothy’s house. But she was still at odds with herself. If Evelyn had not left an address, perhaps she did not want to be contacted. Although she had good reason to return to West Coombe because of Edward’s suicide, maybe Evelyn was actually glad that she was able to return. Vernon had told her what had happened between Evelyn and Lilian. Maybe that had been the last straw for Evelyn and she’d just wanted the simple life of home. Who was she, Jos, to bring havoc and confusion to that?
But now, holding Evelyn, feeling Evelyn’s response to her, she finally admitted that she was wrong. Evelyn needed her, and she needed Evelyn. More than that, she loved
