To step up to the lapping edge and just keep going? I shook my head and wiped a couple of tears away that had pulled loose. The car park was empty apart from a couple of vacant cars and one overflowing bin. Someplace not far away the sun would be preparing to push slowly out of the blackness. There’d be plenty of time to think then. I knew my life would never feel the same. Not after… what had happened. But I knew what I needed the most, what my body needed. I found someone’s jacket on the backseat, pulled it over me and sank straight back into sleep.
Shadows moved underneath the water. They appeared to be clothed, they seemed to reflect the light, like they had silver scales. They reminded me of the sea witch’s minions in The Little Mermaid. Perhaps that was where I harvested the image from. I had loved that film as a little girl. My Dad had bought me the video when I was about six. I was falling. Falling from a cliff, but then I was under water again and as I fell, I slowed. I was frightened, but then the movement felt more like flying. I eased into it, the shadows left and I gazed at all that was around me. I passed ship wrecks, exotic fish and huge reefs with sparkling neon. I let go, falling faster and harder, but I wasn’t frightened anymore. Then suddenly the shadows were back and they encircled me as I sank again. They gripped me, faceless shadows draped in black cloaks. They pulled harder, forcing me down. The suddenly I couldn’t breathe underwater anymore. My lungs filed suddenly as bubbles spilled out of my mouth. Deeper, deeper…
Awake!
I jolted upright so violently that I cracked my head on the car roof.
“Shite!” I cursed, rubbing my head.
I was confused. At first I thought I was still asleep in the cabin. Had that been part of the dream?
My eyes burned, and the rest of my body ached unremittingly. I rubbed a hand across my face. It hadn’t been a dream. None of it. I had sunk into blackness too.
No matter what, I was glad to be alive.
I was surprised to see the beach ahead of me already filling up, a bustle about the place, the car park filling up to.
What time is it?
The sun was high enough, so I supposed I had slept until maybe late morning. I hooked out my phone from the scattering of items on the passenger side floor. All I really had in the world was that, my passport and my purse. I couldn’t imagine I’d be doing any Facebook posts for a while.
“Feeling horrendous. Vicky checked in at Timanfaya Mountain Park.”
‘09.46’ it said.
It wasn’t as late as I’d thought. At least I’d had a few hours. I didn’t remember waking during it. My body must have instructed my mind to shut up and switch off. That is, until it tried swimming to the surface again.
Okay, time to start thinking about stuff.
I couldn’t put it off any longer. Time to make some sort of plan to get out of this shit. I picked up the deck of cigarettes and flicked one out. I considered my chipped and scraped finger nails – they were awful looking. I flicked down the car mirror, horrified myself further and swung it back up in disgust.
“Jesus,” I declared aloud.
I yearned for a shower, toothbrush and change of clothes.
Instead I smoked and let my eyes drift, taking in families on their way to the beach, workers heading off in their uniforms – crossing through the car park.
‘What good was thinking about it all anyway?’ I asked, rebuking myself. I knew what I’d done. I was a killer now, I knew that. Maybe it was that I didn’t feel any guilt about it. But I thought that I should have. Every one of those fuckers had tried to kill me. They deserved it. I threw my finished ciggy out the door and closed it, leaving it ajar to allow the fresh air in.
Mike. I needed to speak to Mike. Maybe I just wanted to hear someone’s voice from home. But it was his I thought of first.
I pulled the jacket off me, it was getting hot. I was sweaty and uncomfortable. I needed to sort myself out. So, what about the deaths? Would the police connect me to them? I tried to look at all the angles, albeit struggling to with my addled brain. There’d be no good reason for them to, really. There would of course be my fingerprints somewhere – but nobody would be looking for mine. I couldn’t think of anything else I had left behind to connect me. And I assumed the initial cops who had picked me up were just working a bribe. It wasn’t like I was actually ‘on the run’.
Was it?
I shrugged. If someone else was gonna come looking for me, they would anyway. Nothing I could do about that. My Auntie always said – ‘You can’t be held responsible for anyone else’s actions, only for your own.’
I shrugged again and turned on the engine and pulled away.
39
As I drove away from the beach, joining a carriageway, a memory popped into my head. Maybe it was the dry heat, driving through a foreign country that had pricked it. I remembered another holiday – I must have been only five or six. My Dad was driving us through some place in France – the south I suppose. It was a happy memory. My Mum was there too. It’s not often I recall a happy memory where she plays a part. There was a cassette playing and we were all listening quietly, just happy in each other’s company I guess. It was one of those fairy-tale collections – The Princess and the Pea and the like. It was nice. I wished there had been more memories like that with the three
