CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
June 19, 1995
Dear Mom,
If you ever show up in my life again, you’re going to have a lot of reading to catch up on. Since I was old enough to write, I’ve been telling you about my life, just in case you’re interested, and I’ve saved everything in boxes at the back of my closet. Actually, it’s pretty clear to me now that you’re not interested, but writing stuff down has become a habit. In high school, my teachers all told me I was a good writer. I always thought I would study journalism in college. More about that later.
Looking back through these pages, I realize so much has changed since I last put my thoughts down for you. I figured after high-school graduation I’d have all kinds of time to devote to my writing, but things have a way of throwing me off track. Like losing Grandpa. It hurts to see those words in my own handwriting. To put them down in ink on this page.
Do you even know he died, Mom? That near the end, he sometimes called me by your name? And at the very end, I didn’t even bother to correct him? I think you’d know why.
Gram is a totally different person now. Everyone’s been so good to her, the whole town, really. For weeks after Grandpa died, it was raining tuna casseroles. People visited, they brought food, they sat with us. She did real well at first, but once all the formalities were over, she just seemed empty. Even when she went to church, she would come home lonely and lost. They were married so young, and they survived so much together.
We’re broke now, did I tell you that? Grandpa’s insurance and Medicare didn’t cover everything, not even close. When Grandpa was first diagnosed and we saw the way things were going, we filed for bankruptcy in order to keep from being sued to kingdom come for nonpayment of debts. If I had to pick the top three humiliating moments of my life, going through bankruptcy with Gram would definitely be in one of them. It wasn’t that we did a bad job or anything like that. We just had to do it as a way to keep from having to let all our employees go and close the bakery.
So you’ll understand if I’ve been too busy to fill these pages with sweetness and light.
Gram says you were never one to worry about money, even though you liked having nice things. You never seemed concerned about finances and, in fact, you always acted as though the land of milk and honey was right around the corner. According to Gram, anyway. She still talks about you sometimes. Still misses you. To be honest, I don’t. I’m sure, at the age of four, I adored you. But for me, missing you is like missing a shadow or a dream. I can’t quite grasp it. When Nina’s little girl, Sonnet, lost a helium balloon at a parade, she cried more about that than she did when her great-grandmother Giulietta died the next day. It’s the way kids are, I guess.
I’m in love with two different boys, did I tell you? Oh, it gets worse. They’re best friends—Joey Santini and Rourke McKnight. They’re summer people. Rourke is working at Camp Kioga, same as he has every year. Joey’s been in the army to earn money for school, but he’s got a compassionate leave this summer because his dad was in a car wreck and has a long recovery. Joey comes up to work on weekends and holidays at the camp. When his dad gets better, Joey’s going to reenlist for another tour of duty, because now he wants to go to medical school and will need all the education money he can get. He plans to be a ranger now, which I understand is one of the most secret and dangerous things you can do in the military.
I like Joey because he loves the world and makes me laugh, and I’m not going to lie to you. Being in the army has turned him into a total hunk. Of course, Rourke was already a hunk, and he’s so strong and smart, and sometimes just looking at him makes me dizzy. It’s as if my heart doesn’t want me to choose one over the other.
Okay, I lied. It’s Rourke. I’ve been crazy about him since I was in pigtails. He’s really intense, and he has this awful father he hasn’t spoken to since he got out of high school and refused to go to the “right” school, choosing instead the state school at Stony Brook, where he studies law enforcement. He fascinates me, and he’s the sexiest boy I’ve ever known. We’ve never done anything, though. We have this unspoken agreement that we’re just friends. It’s the only possible way I can see any kind of relationship with either guy working—I keep my feelings for Rourke in check and go along with the charade.
Gram likes to remind me that people like the McKnights and the Majeskys don’t mix. Besides, Rourke claims it’s not cool to like the same girl your best friend wants and he goes out of his way to hang out with other girls. Not that either of them consulted me about any of this. And sometimes, I wish I could have deeper feelings for Joey. I mean, I do, but more as a friend than a boyfriend. It probably doesn’t matter, because Rourke’s in college now and Joey’s leaving again at summer’s end. As for me…well, I need to stay with Gram so she doesn’t start feeling as if everyone has left her.
* * *
After the traditional Fourth of July parade, there was an enormous picnic at the county park by the river. At dusk, people made their way up the mountain to Camp Kioga
