Belle was speechless. She’d had no idea that Mia had experienced such loss herself. “It hurts so much.” Belle’s voice cracked.
Mia wrapped her arm around her. “I know, sweetheart. It will for a long time. Some of that hurt will be with you for the rest of your life, but someday you will be able to turn that pain into something beautiful. The ones we loved and lost don’t leave us completely. Every time you feel the sunshine on your skin, it’s him embracing you in a warm hug. Every time the wind rustles through the trees, it is TJ letting you know he’s there. He’s all around you, but most importantly, you are carrying him inside your heart. You loved him. He is a part of you. You’ll always have him with you.” Mia squeezed her shoulder.
Belle blinked back tears. Was he still with her? She’d never been one for religion, or fairy tales of golden gates. But something lifted inside her. The weight bearing on her shoulders lightening just a fraction at the thought of TJ’s spirit watching over her, staying close. “When will it stop hurting?”
Mia gave her a sad smile. “That depends on you. Grief is different for everyone. But the only way to get past it is to go through it.”
“I’m so scared. And so tired. I don’t think I can do it,” Belle admitted, utterly defeated.
“You have a guardian angel watching over you. Let him carry you when you’re too weak to stand. Let him hold you when you fall. Eventually, you won’t need to lean on him so much. But for now, let him be there for you.” Mia’s voice was understanding.
“I can’t feel him here. I’m all alone.” Belle shook her head.
“That man is not going anywhere. Andre dragged him out to make sure he was getting a good meal and some support. He’ll be back.”
Bently? Mia had meant let Bently be here for her, not the ghost of her brother. But he couldn’t. “I don’t deserve him.”
Mia chuckled. “Of course you do. You deserve the world. And that man wants to give it to you. You have to make a choice. Are you going to let this tragedy rip you apart, or use it to make you stronger as a unit?”
Belle remained silent as she contemplated her life. Everything she’d fought through to get here, all the things she’d sacrificed. If she gave up now, they would all be in vain. She imagined TJ sitting in the empty chair next to her, his headphones in, scribbling in his notebook. His goofy smile as he looked up at her, admiration shining in his eyes. Her chest squeezed. She wanted to make him proud. She needed to make his sacrifice count. She’d do right by him. “I want to live for TJ.”
Mia picked up the glass and lifted it to her with a kind smile. “To TJ. May he rest in peace and never be forgotten. We celebrate the time we had with our loved ones. May we honor them with our lives.”
Belle picked up her glass and clinked hers with Mia’s before swallowing the liquid. She coughed as the liquor burned her throat.
“Another?” Mia asked.
Belle nodded. She’d drink to TJ. She’d take another breath for him until she could do it for herself. She’d push forward and never give up.
And she wouldn’t let his death be in vain.
Chapter 48
Belle
The hot water sluiced over Belle’s raw skin. She stood, pushing through the aching emptiness with the hope that someday it would dull. For now, she’d allow herself to fall apart. Then, she’d get back up. Just as she’d always done.
She turned off the water and wrapped herself in a towel. Her things had slowly begun to be unpacked, returned from Bently’s. She dried off and brushed her teeth and hair before walking into the bedroom. Bently was sitting at the edge of her bed, his face in his hands. She’d never seen him look more defeated. And part of it is my fault.
“I keep going into his room expecting him to be there,” she said, just above a whisper.
Bently looked up at her, devastation written across the shadows of his face.
“Sometimes I swear I hear music. Or that damn basketball bouncing . . . It still feels like I can call his name and he’ll answer me.” Her voice shook and fresh tears streamed down her cheeks.
Bently grimaced, his jaw clenching. “I’m sorry—”
“No.” She shook her head. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I said things I didn’t mean. I blamed you because you were here.”
Bently shook his head.
She drew closer, kneeling in front of him. She placed her hands on his knees and looked into blue eyes coated in shame. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes, it was!” His voice cracked, tears glistening.
“How? Did you pull the trigger?”
“I failed him. I promised to protect him and now he’s dead. I tried so hard to be everything, to be the best leader, to run my unit—but I couldn’t—I should have . . . maybe if—”
“There was nothing you could have done.”
“I knew Parsons . . . that he was biased. He’d make jokes about women or minorities. It was just ribbing, locker room
