“Still, thank you.”
She smiled and nodded, “You’re welcome.”
Chapter 19
I went through my bag to get out some different clothes. When I pulled out the shirt I wanted, Jackie’s stuffed animal I had tossed in the backpack fell to the ground. I hadn’t thought about it since I left the house and it got shoved towards the bottom of the bag.
I picked it up off the floor and held it in my hands. I lifted the soft white cloth to my face. It smelled like Jackie, the combination of the strawberry shampoo and bubble bath that she loved. I began to cry. Much harder and more violently than I could’ve imagined was still in me. I realized then that I hadn’t stopped to properly grieve and now I had nothing left to chase, to distract me. I was alone now with my grief.
At some point I had sat down on the bed but I didn’t remember doing it. I sat there for a long time, the tears coming out of me like they’d finally burst through a dam. I couldn’t stop and I grew more exhausted. I managed to change my clothes and lay down. I cried myself to sleep.
When I woke up I was a bit startled by the sight of Lasa standing over me.
“Sorry,” she said when I jumped.
“It’s okay. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” I said and wiped my eyes as I sat up.
“What’s this?” she asked picking up Jackie’s toy from beside me. “You need stuffed animals to sleep too?”
“No,” I began, “That belongs to my daughter Jackie.”
“Oh, where is she?”
“She didn’t make it sweetie.”
“You mean she died like Bambi’s mom?”
I nodded, “Yeah.”
She looked very sad then, “I’m sorry but she went to heaven right?”
I gave a weak smile, “yeah, she went to heaven.”
“This is a cool stuffed animal,” she said handing it back to me. “She had good taste.”
I smiled, “She did that. It was her favorite. She slept with it and took it almost everywhere.”
“How old was she?”
“Six.”
“I’m almost six; I’ll be six next month.”
“Really? She turned six two months ago. She would’ve liked you I think.”
“What was her name?”
“Jackie.”
I hadn’t really talked about Jackie to this length before. I don’t know what it was about this sweet little girl that made me open up. Or maybe it was just time to open up about her. I’d talked to Daniel and Phoebe briefly but I wanted to seem so strong that I didn’t let myself come undone. The façade was over now, I couldn’t hold on to that illusion of strength anymore.
“You want to watch over it for me?” I asked handing her the little stuffed animal.
“Me?”
“Yeah, I think Jackie would like to know someone is appreciating it like she would have.”
She had a big smile on her face, “Thanks, I’ll take really good care of it, I promise.”
She turned around and ran out of the room going, “Mom!”
I sat alone in the room for a few minutes still feeling completely exhausted. I took a deep breath and grabbed the last bottle of water I had in my bag. I took a long refreshing sip.
I got up and walked into the hall. Vanetta was just coming out of her room. Lasa ran past her and bound down the stairs.
“I overheard you talking to Lasa,” she said wrapping her arms around her waist. “I’m really sorry about your daughter.”
“Thank you,” I said quietly.
She then took me into a strong embrace, taking me completely off guard. I hugged her back after recovering from the shock of it.
She let go and walked down the hallway to the stairs.
“Honestly, I was a little pissed when Cal brought you home.”
I laughed, “I completely understand. I wouldn’t have liked it much either.”
“Cal’s got such a big heart. Helps where he thinks it’s needed. And I’m still not used to this new situation we find ourselves in.”
“Me either.”
She nodded, “you want to help me fix dinner?”
“Least I could do for you putting a roof over my head.”
She laughed and I followed her down the stairs. Vanetta made stuffed peppers with ground chicken and taco seasoning. She said something about having to get creative with her meals since the rations. The stove still worked since it was a gas stove.
I made a salad and buttered the bread to be toasted. It wasn’t much but it helped to just be moving and doing something.
We talked a bit. I told her about Adam and that whole situation. She had a butcher knife in her hand and demonstrated on a carrot how she would’ve taken care of him. I began to laugh extremely hard. It was the hardest I’d laughed since all this shit began.
We ate when Cal got home by candle and lantern light. It was a delicious meal. Vanetta was an amazing cook. Lasa complimented me on the salad. It was adorable of her.
It was lovely to be with this family but I found myself worried and wondering about Daniel and Phoebe. I missed them terribly. It was amazing really how attached I’d become to them. They had become like a family to me and helped me survive.
After dinner, I went to bed. Since the dam broke inside me I was nothing but tired.
It wasn’t very long before I felt someone shaking me and I opened my eyes.
“Shelly,” Lasa said. “Would you like some company? I don’t really like sleeping by myself but I know I bother my dad and he’s got to get up early.”
I smiled, “sure sweetie. You can sleep in here.”
She crawled in the other side of the bed.
“Shelly, can you tell me a story?”
“Sure,”
