How can the PWS turn these three Ps around and look on the bright side? The first step is to have them notice that they are doing this, and then become curious about how exactly they are limiting their options. By mentally standing back they can observe themselves and make an honest appraisal of their behavior. There is no point in trying to pretend or to deny what they are doing. They need to adopt the attitude that they are responsible for their own behavior. “My body-mind knows how to speak fluently; I don’t need to relearn how to talk. I can already do that. I just have to learn how to let go of the fear and anxiety that drives my blocking so that I can transfer my ability to speak fluently to all situations and contexts and I am going to do that.”
Not Personal: “I accept that I am more than my behavior. As a fully functioning human being I can take responsibility for what I do. And if I perform less than wonderfully in certain contexts then I can do something about that.” Thinking in this way will affect everything you do.
Not Pervasive: “I am widening my focus of attention, and appreciate all the other things in my life that I do well.” “I am altering the way I talk about myself (to be more interested in other things) and I am in the process of doing that.”
Not Permanent: “When I look back at my life, I realize that I have always been making significant changes in who I am and what I do. Who knows what awesome changes I will be making in my speech in the future! I once learned to block and stutter and that means that I can unlearn them.” You are always “more”
Who are you? I mean, who are you really? This is an unanswerable question. Whatever description you put on yourself, you know that it does not adequately describe the rich complexity that you are. I love the statement, “No matter what you think you are, you are more than that.”
If you are asked for a “self-definition” – when filling in a form, or writing a résumé – you adjust your definition to meet the needs of the person asking the question. You probably choose to label yourself in a way that communicates the essence of who you are to someone else: “I’m a therapist”, “I’m a parent”, “I’m single”, or even, “I’m a stutterer”. Each of these labels is based on a quality, on group membership, or on a particular behavior or thought pattern that you think encapsulates something of your nature. However, if you use derogatory terms or negative descriptions to put yourself down because there are aspects of yourself that you do not like, then how is that going to affect you as a person? (Perhaps I should stop using the term PWS and change it to PWUTS – People Who Used To Stutter, or even better, P – just People.) If you do notice you have slipped into this habit, simply remind yourself that, “True, at times I think of myself that way, but I am more than that.”And then come up with an answer to: “What am I which is more than that …? And what am I that is even more than that …?” Continue as far as you like. Your unconscious mind will give you answers, so heed what comes.
As people mature into adulthood, they become increasingly self-aware, develop a richer concept of themselves as a person. Your sense of self is mostly maintained through the language you use – self-descriptions, labels, characteristics – together with some kind of evaluation: good or bad, desirable or undesirable, and so on. People update their self-understanding based on how they deal with the events in their lives, their interactions with others, and with the world in general. If what happens matches your expectations, you think you are doing well. If you are frustrated, you may think you are “hopeless” or “worthless”. If you then feel contempt and despise yourself because your blocking and stuttering behavior led to unfulfilled expectations, then your model of the world may be perceived as letting you down as a human being.
A mature concept of self celebrates your sense of innate self-worth. PWS often view themselves as innately sick, as having little or no value and worth – just because they are human. Because they do typically view themselves as worthless, they tend to assume others have a low opinion of them too. They constantly seek the approval of others, hoping to discover that they are an OK person after all. But they keep on beating themselves up because of this awful blocking and stuttering behavior and because they feel so unworthy.
Countless times I have heard PWS belittle themselves, saying, “Bob, you must think I am weird.” “Bob, I am sorry that I can’t do better and be like your other clients. I know I am slow and stupid.” Such statements break my heart for here I am talking to some of the bravest people with whom I have ever spoken to and they are constantly undervaluing themselves.
Creating a healthy view of self is an inside job. The clinician’s aim is to assist the PWS in re-constructing their model of the world by including their bravery and persistence in dealing well with life’s challenges. This is surely much better than having depressed areas on their map based on hurt and meanings from childhood. These people have survived in a world with a speech handicap, and have dealt with it through their own courage, strength, and determination. Because their model of the world already includes “speaking fluently” in some contexts, the clinician’s job is to assist them
