“Yeah. Home.” He said it like it was a dirty word that left a bitter taste in his mouth.
I stopped running and put my hands on my knees, leaning over to catch my breath. Sweat dripped from my forehead into my eyes and made them sting. We’d already run three miles and he’d given the impression that he wasn’t planning to slow down or quit anytime soon. But more than that, it felt like he’d just sucker punched me in the gut. He’d once told me that I was his home and now he sounded like he wanted to be anywhere but here.
He came to stand in front of me. “You okay?” He sounded reluctant to hear my answer.
I wasn’t okay. Not even a little bit. I straightened up and wrapped my arms around myself as if I needed to protect myself from him. “I miss you, Jude. I miss you so much.”
He laughed like that was a joke. “I’m right here. Standing right in front of you.”
“Are you though? Are you really here?”
He crossed his arms over his chest and his jaw clenched. I couldn’t see his eyes behind his dark sunglasses, but I’d be willing to bet they were narrowed on me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
I stared at a two-story dark green farmhouse surrounded by live oaks that blocked the sun. Was that why the grass wasn’t growing around that house? The house sat on a patch of dirt surrounded by scrubby bushes. A tire swing hung from the branch of a tree and an Irish Setter sat on the porch, wagging its tail. Like he was happy to be home. A wave of sadness and longing washed over me, and I couldn’t swallow past the lump in my throat.
I missed my childhood. Our childhood. Our summertime. All the sweet and beautiful moments we’d shared. I missed Jude and Lila, the way we used to be. But I didn’t know how to put any of that into words he’d understand. The old Jude would have understood but this cool, aloof man standing in front of me would attempt to laugh it off.
“I love you, Jude, and I’ve loved you for so long.”
He huffed out a laugh and scrubbed his hand over his buzzed cut. “I love you too. Where is all this coming from?”
“I don’t know. I just feel like...” My shoulders slumped. For five long years I’d waited for him. For five long years I’d counted down the months and days until we could be together again. And now that he was here, it felt like he wasn’t really here at all. “You’re so far away. So distant. And I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. I feel like I can’t tell you anything because I’m worried it will upset you or make you angry.” As soon as the words were out, I instantly regretted them. I’d said it all wrong.
He put his hands on his hips. “What do you need to talk to me about?” I heard the accusation in his voice. “Are you saying you want to end things? Is that what you can’t tell me?”
“What? No. God. Why would you even think that?”
“Oh hell, I don’t know.” He threw his hands in the air. “Maybe because you haven’t even told me you’re planning to start your own business with your little friend, Christy. You wanna talk? How about we talk about all the shit you’re keeping from me.”
“I’m not keeping anything from you. I’m the one who told you about the business. That was me, Jude. But I didn’t think you were listening because you didn’t even comment on it.”
“That wasn’t you. I found out from my mom.”
I stared at him. He truly believed that he’d found out from his mother. “Seriously? You don’t remember when I told you this? It was last week. You were playing video games.”
Another thing he never used to do. Now he played those stupid video games all the time.
He looked up at the sky then back at me and I saw it on his face that he knew I was right. “Shit. I... fuck.” He bit the corner of his bottom lip and I tried not to notice how sexy that little move was. In the past, I could forgive him anything when he did that. He held his hand over his forehead like a visor and massaged his temples. I wanted to ask him if his head hurt but I felt like I was always pestering him about it so I kept my mouth shut. “Sorry about that. Now that you mention it, I do remember.”
A jolt of panic shot through me. What did that mean? He didn’t remember but now he did? Jude had the memory of an elephant. He remembered things from years ago and could recount the memory in vivid detail but now he couldn’t even remember something I’d told him a week ago?
“Jude...” I started, not sure what to say. It was pointless to keep asking if he was okay because clearly, he wasn’t. “What did the doctors say when they checked your head? Did they do an MRI? Did they—”
“Lila. Stop making it sound like such a big fucking deal,” he snapped. “I had a concussion. Nothing worse than the one I had when I was playing football.”
I didn’t believe him. He was lying. “Did you black out? Were you unconscious?”
“I’m fine. It’s nothing to worry about, okay?” he said, his voice softer now like he was trying to reassure me. He wrapped his hand around the back of my head and pulled me against him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and tipped my face up to his.
When he smiled, he looked like the Jude I used to know. “Stop being such a worrywart.”
“I need to look after you. You’re my man.”
“And don’t you forget it, baby.” His hands framed my face and he kissed me. “It’s all good.”
I had no choice but to believe
