And that was my ugly truth. The first of many to come.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jude
I was on my way to drunk, but not nearly drunk enough. This homecoming party was pure fucking torture. Everyone was expecting me to be happy. To be grateful that I was home, and I could resume my regularly scheduled life.
In the past, whenever I used to come home on leave, I was happy to be here. But now that I was home for good, and back with the girl I used to talk about so much the guys in my unit used to give me shit over it, I felt like I was somewhere I didn’t belong anymore.
It was a shitty feeling, because I wanted to be happy. I wanted it more than anything.
What purpose did my life have now? Where the fuck was I supposed to go from here? Where did I fit in this world that had gone on without me, just as if there wasn’t a war being fought in the middle of the desert in a godforsaken country?
Nobody cared about all the lives that were lost or all the blood that had been shed. Nobody here cared that it was still going on. They didn’t give a shit. The Fourth of July was just an excuse to set off fireworks, get drunk and throw a barbecue.
Six weeks ago, I was in the rugged mountains of Afghanistan, surrounded by insurgents. Our convoy had been ambushed, our operation compromised. Six dead, four wounded when the truck in front of mine had been hit by a roadside bomb. I must have blacked out. When I came to, I was on the side of the road with no idea how I’d ended up there. Sniper rounds snapped off rocks and fizzed overhead. White phosphorous smoke filled the air and shots ricocheted off the truck I’d just been thrown from.
“We need air support.” I heard Reyes shout into the radio to be heard above the din of the gunfire.
I looked to my right. “Tommy.” Belly down, I dragged my body across the blood-soaked dirt and rocks. “We need to move.”
“I can’t move. I’m pinned down... I can’t fucking move my legs.”
Now I stared at the sparklers on the cake decorated with the stars and stripes. My mom was smiling as she set it in front of me on the table. “We’re so happy you’re home, honey.”
I forced a smile. “Good to be here,” I lied. And it pissed me off that it wasn’t true. Why did I feel so fucking numb, like I was watching my life as if it was a movie, and I was so far removed from it that I wasn’t really living it?
I was surrounded by my family. The people I loved. My dad was talking about the projects he was working on and the construction site he was sending me to when I went back to work on Monday. Gideon was talking to Lila about her new business venture. Jesse was talking about motocross with Brody who was supposed to be at a rodeo but had come home to see me. When he wasn’t on the road, Brody lived in an Airstream on Austin Armacost’s ranch where he still worked as a ranch hand. He was saving money to buy a horse farm and still had big dreams and plans just like everyone else at the table.
My mom asked what I’d missed the most about home and I answered, “Lila. And my family.”
It was the truth and it made my mom smile.
Lila was sitting right next to me but even when she touched me, I didn’t feel it. How could I ever explain this to her? I couldn’t. All I could do was hope and pray that it would change. I’d only been home for two weeks. It had to get better.
I took another swig of beer and forced myself to stay at the table when all I really wanted to do was walk away and be alone. But I couldn’t have walked away if I wanted to. My ears were ringing and my head was pounding so hard, my vision blurred. The ground tilted beneath me and I was so fucking dizzy I felt like I’d just gotten off a ride at the funfair and had been thrown into the house of mirrors.
I reached for Lila’s hand to steady myself and clasped it in mine like it was my lifeline.
Save me, Lila. I’m drowning.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Jude
Pale November sunlight slanted through the cracked blinds and the pipes clanked and hissed as I moved soundlessly across the bedroom floor. In the bathroom I took a piss and washed my hands, avoiding the mirror above the sink.
I’d found something that made the good days brighter, and I reached into my hiding place and untaped it from the ceramic. Chop. Chop. Chop. Sniff. My head immediately cleared and turned the dull world into technicolor. Running my tongue over my tingling gums, I held the rolled-up Franklin to my nose and leaned over for another hit. Gnashing my teeth, I told myself that was enough. Just a few lines to give me a high without making me crash and burn. Self-control was key and I had a good handle on this.
Returning the stash to its hiding place, I wiped my nose and brushed my teeth then returned to my first love.
I ached for her. Craved her. Needed her. With every muscle and bone in my body. The organ in my chest beating triple time.
Lila. Lila. Lila.
My pulse skyrocketed and all the blood rushed from my head to my throbbing cock. She was still asleep, lying on her side. Sliding under the sheets naked, I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her flush against my
