“I don’t need a professional to tell me what I already know. I’m fucked in the head. There’s no fixing that. And the fucking VA hospital is useless. I tried, baby.” His voice cracked on the words, his head falling back against the sofa.
“I tried,” he said. “I’m so fucking sick of getting the runaround. I’m at the bottom of the fucking list.” He scrubbed his hand over his face, his eyes bleak.
“I know, baby, I know.” My heart was breaking for him like it had so many times since he’d returned home. “Let me help you. I can get you an appointment with a therapist. We don’t have to go through the VA. Please. Just let me do this for you.”
He hung his head in his hands. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. You should dump my sorry ass, Lila.”
“Stop saying things like that. I’m yours. Always. I’ll always be yours, Jude. We just need to… we need to get through this together, okay? We need to work through this and find someone who can help you. You can’t keep living like this. Do you still have the headaches? The ringing in the ears?”
He shrugged and I took that as a yes.
“Why don’t you take a shower and I’ll make you something to eat, okay?”
“Stop treating me like a five-year-old.” But there was no bite in his words. Only weariness and a defeat in the slump of his shoulders that scared me. I lived in fear of the day I’d come home and not find him here. Two weeks ago a guy from his unit had taken his own life. What if Jude decided that it wasn’t worth it? What if he gave up the fight? Then where would I be without him?
Never in a million years could I ever have predicted that I’d have these thoughts about Jude.
He rose to his feet and I wrapped my arms around him, holding on tight, afraid to let go.
I shouldn’t have gone out tonight. I shouldn’t have left him alone. I held him tighter, holding on for as long as he would let me. Sometimes he didn’t like to be touched. Sometimes he tried to fuck me into oblivion. I never knew which Jude I was going to get on any given day.
When he pulled away, he forced a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. They looked so vacant. Like there was nothing behind them. I knew he was depressed. I knew he was in pain. But I didn’t know how to reach him or how to help him.
“I love you.” I kept thinking that if I said it often enough, he would start to believe it again. That somehow my love for him could be enough to save him.
“I love you too.”
That was the hardest part. I knew that he did love me. But once upon a time I could envision our future, and now I had no idea what that future would look like or if we even had one. We never talked about it anymore.
My life was falling apart at the seams, thread by thread, and I had no idea how to sew it back together.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Jude
How fucking blissful would it be to float away on a sea of pills and whiskey?
No more pain. No memories. No flashbacks. Peace.
I pulled over in a ditch and cut the engine. Climbed out of my truck, weaving on my feet.
The pills rattled in my pocket as I walked into the field, a bottle of whiskey dangling from my fingertips. Stumbling, my knees hit the ground. Shit, that was funny.
I was laughing so hard I doubled over.
Pulling myself together, I fished the amber bottles out of my pocket and shook the pills into the palm of my hand. Threw them back and washed them down with the rest of the whiskey in the bottle.
Then I lay on my back in the tall green grass and stared up at the sky. The night was dark and starless. As it should be.
From somewhere far away, I heard music, a beeping sound.
My eyes drifted shut.
Lila.
Lila.
Lila.
Sorry, baby, I’m just so fucking tired. So fucking weary of this battle.
Forgive me.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Jude
“Jude, you promised you wouldn’t leave me. You promised. Don’t you dare leave me.”
Lila?
“I love you. I love you so much. Always and forever, remember? Come back to me. Come back to me, Jude. I don’t want to live without you.”
“Goddammit, Jude. You’ve never been a quitter. Don’t start now.”
Dad?
I flinched at the bright light shining in my eyes and made out the vague shape of a man standing over me.
“Jude. I’m Dr. Leighton. Do you know where you are?”
Fuck.
I closed my eyes again.
Chapter Thirty
Jude
“Did you want to die, Jude? Is that what you wanted?”
“No,” I lied. “I don’t even remember taking those pills and I have no idea how I ended up in that field.”
“I’m sorry. I know I’m saying all the wrong things. I just... I love you. We’ll get through this together, okay?”
I tried to smile. “Yeah. Okay.” I squeezed her hand. “You and me, baby. Forever.”
“Promise? I need you to promise me, Jude.”
“Promise.” I’d become such a skilled liar, I was almost starting to believe myself.
Empty promises and lies. I had nothing to offer her.
I knew I had to leave her. It was just a matter of time until I did something else to hurt her.
Six weeks later, I reached the point of no return.
Chapter Thirty-One
Lila
I buried my face in his pillow, my salty tears soaking the cotton. I cried for him and I cried for the baby we lost. I cried for the boy he used to be and the future that had been ripped away from us.
I cried an ocean and still, it wasn’t enough.
I waited an entire week to read the letter he left me. I don’t
