Now I sat on the sofa in our dingy beige apartment and I poured myself another glass of wine. After a fortifying sip, I took a deep breath and slid the letter out of the envelope. It was written on loose-leaf pages, the edges ragged from where he’d ripped it out of the spiral notebook.
When I unfolded the letter, a check fell into my lap. I picked it up and studied it. I knew how much he had in his savings account. It was the exact same number written on the check. As if emptying his bank account would make up for him not being here. I ripped the check into tiny pieces and tossed them into the air, watching the confetti rain down on the leather sofa and the parquet floor.
I don’t want your money, asshole. All I ever wanted was you.
I started reading the letter written in his bold print. He never wrote letters in cursive and over the years we’d exchanged a lot of letters. But this would be the last one I’d ever get from him, so I read it slowly, searching for the nuance in every single word he wrote.
Dear Lila,
There are only so many times a person can say they’re sorry before the words become meaningless. But I’ll say it again for the millionth time.
I’m sorry.
I can’t do this anymore.
I can’t keep hurting you and pretend it’s okay. I can’t turn a blind eye, knowing that the source of all our problems is me. I used to believe that I could make you happier than any other man ever could. I used to believe that I was worthy of your love. Or, at the very least, that I could strive to be. But I’m not that man anymore. And you deserve so much better.
I promised you that I would never leave you but I have to. If I stay, I’ll only destroy you.
At first, you might not see it this way but in time you’ll come to realize that I did the best thing I could for you. I’m leaving because I love you. I love you so fucking much that it’s killing me to watch you suffer because of me. Every day I’ve watched you fade until all the light in your eyes was gone, and I knew it was because of me. I did that to you. I took the light out of your eyes when all I ever wanted to do was make you shine brighter.
Ever since the day we met, I’ve wanted to protect you and keep you safe. But what happens when the biggest threat to your safety is the man you live with? The man who claims to love you above all others? What kind of man have I become that I would subject you to so much pain and suffering? The kind of man you don’t need in your life.
All I want is for you to be happy. And the only way I know how to do that is to set you free.
The stars are still in the sky, baby. Just open your eyes and look up. On the darkest nights, they shine the brightest. And one day soon you’ll see that you never really needed me to put them back in the sky for you. You’re strong and brave and fierce. You’re a goddamn warrior, Rebel. The real hero in our story.
I’m sorry. For everything. But I know you’re going to be okay. When the chips are down, you always come back fighting. I don’t believe in much of anything anymore, but I still believe in you. I will always believe in you.
Love always,
Jude
Part III
Chapter Thirty-Two
Lila
Six Years Later
“I found someone for you.” Sophie’s voice came from the Bluetooth speakers as I drove, sunglasses shielding my eyes from the glare of the spring sunshine. “He’s hot. Divorced. No kids. And he—”
“Not interested.”
She sighed impatiently. “What is wrong with you? You need to get back out there. Is it because of Brody?”
“Is what because of Brody?” I flicked on my signal and waited for a car to pass before I turned into the Sunrise Pre-School parking lot.
“The reason you’re not dating.”
“It has nothing to do with Brody.” I was early, so I pulled into a spot at the far end of the lot under the shade of a leafy oak and cut the engine but I left Sophie on speaker.
“Good. Not for nothing but he hooks up with women left, right and center so if he’s trying to stop you from meeting someone, I’d be pissed.”
Her intentions were good but this wasn’t the first time we’d had this conversation. Sophie was in charge of marketing and events at her family’s vineyard, Sadler’s Creek, and she sent a lot of business our way. Unfortunately, she’d also taken it upon herself to play matchmaker.
Thanks to Sophie, I’d had a lot of crappy dates over the years. I was officially done with dating.
I rolled down my window to get some fresh air and leaned my head against the headrest.
“Let’s go out this weekend. We’ll pick up a hot guy.”
“You’re engaged.”
“Not for me. For you. You’re young, you’re hot, and there’s no reason for you to be single.”
“I like being single.”
“Yeah, well, being single is great when you’re getting steady sex. Which clearly you are not.”
“I don’t tell you every little detail of my life. For all you know, I’m getting sex on the regular.”
She laughed like that was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. I rolled my eyes. “It wasn’t that funny.”
Her laughter faded. “You need to let him go,” she said, the concern in her voice genuine.
I knew who she was talking about. Of course I
