None of that mattered. Just being there amongst the revving engines and smell of grease gave me a peace I hadn’t had in a long, long time. I killed myself working day and night to prove my worth. It took a while, but I finally got my chance to get in a car. I got my chance to prove that I was good enough to race.
A year after that I got my big break and was signed to Donavan Racing. I moved out to California immediately after, and I’ve been here since.
The screen lighting up once more pulls me from thoughts of the past. If I unlock the phone, I’ll ignore the multiple messages and missed call. I know the second that phone is in my hand I’ll be calling Rylee to get Brooke’s number.
At least that’s what I should be doing.
I should be turning the city upside down, trying to find her so I can apologize for scaring her. Fuck, not just that. I need to apologize for so much more than that.
For the first time since she returned in my life, I don’t use alcohol as a crutch to get me through the night, but the need itches at me. The urge to pick up a bottle of Jack to drown the nonsense in my head is always there. I hate feeling like this. I’m on the cusp of becoming just like him. The alcoholic that raised me. He used alcohol to drown out all the shit in his life, and here I am doing exactly the same thing. Guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?
“You look like shit,” Zander announces as he pushes his way out onto the balcony next to me.
“Thanks, man.” I try to sound offended, but the reality is, I probably do look like shit. I gave up on trying to sleep around four-am, same as every night lately.
“Just calling it like I see it, man.”
“Wouldn’t expect anything less from you.” My words get a quick burst of laughter from us both, but it doesn’t last, and the silence soon stretches around us.
“Becks called you, didn’t he?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
“Yep.”
“No lecture from you?”
“Who am I to speak? It's not like I haven’t had enough of my own issues,” he says. Zander’s upbringing makes mine look like a walk in the park. He might have been lucky enough to be adopted by Colton and Rylee, but that didn’t stop him from struggling over the years. There was a time I wasn’t sure his demons would let up their hold on him, but since meeting Getty, his girlfriend, last year, he seems to have made peace with his past.
“I’m just here to make sure you don’t miss the party today,” he announces, standing up. “Mom said she’s going to kick your ass if you miss it.”
“I’ll be there,” I promise. I might be in a fucked-up place, but I wouldn’t miss seeing the boys over at The House for anything. He hangs around for a while, and I’m almost glad for the company, even if it is the two of us sitting in silence. It’s the reminder I need that I’m not as alone as I think I am. I have a team. A family that supports me.
“You know my grandad?” Zander asks bizarrely, breaking the silence.
“Yeah?”
“Well, he once told my dad something, and he passed it down to me.”
“What’s that?”
“He told him that hurting is feeling and feeling is living.” He chuckles lightly. “I used to think it was pretty much bullshit. Who wants to hurt? Fuck if I did.” He laughs, and I can imagine a teenage Zander hearing that and thinking it was a load of shit. “But I get it now.” He continues quietly. Another beat of silence passes as I let his words filter through my mid.
“Use it, Tuck. Use the feelings. Don’t go back to that place inside yourself. The place where you use the wrong things to push away the pain.”
***
The back yard of The House is full of kids running everywhere. It’s total chaos. There’s a long line of tables full to bursting with plates of food, and there’s balloons dotted around every available space. Juggling the gift bags that are digging into my fingers, I search the sea of people for any of the birthday boys. Since two of them have birthdays in the same week, they asked for a joint party. I guess that explains why there seems to be kids everywhere.
Finally seeing Rylee standing with the boys, I make my way in her direction. I’m almost there when a familiar sound hits my ears. My chest constricts at the light laughter that floats across the space between us. My eyes scan the crowd, finding her without effort.
She’s kneeling on the grass, three little boys surrounding her. Each of them stares up at her like she’s an angel. With her long blonde hair down around her shoulders, they’re not the only ones. Her stunning face is lit up as one of the boys says something to her.
God, I miss her.
The thought slams into me, making my breath catch. I’ve been so consumed with anger since she came back, and seeing her now I can’t help but feel like it’s not really her I’m angry at. It’s me. I blamed her for our demise, when it was me. I caused it.
The realization is a bitter pill to swallow. The woman in front of me is a stranger because of my own actions. I can’t keep blaming her.
I’ve not really looked at her the few times we’ve been around one another. She’s changed so much. She’s still all long legs and gorgeous hair, but she’s filled out over the years. She’s not the girl that broke my heart. She’s all woman now.
One look at her and I know she’s even more dangerous for me than she
