My story.
He details saving a woman from her home who wouldn’t leave because she was scared for a loved one. He leaves out the details of my brother that he knew, but everything else... it’s there. My bloody forehead, the room exploding into flames... everything.
Isaac saved me from the fires that night.
Isaac saved my life.
Isaac let my brother die.
A sob I’m not expecting escapes my lips and I toss my phone onto the table. I cover my face with my hands and begin to cry.
I try to rationalize it as best I can. Maybe he didn’t know it was me? That’s something I can get over, isn’t it?
But what if he did know? What if he knew all along and didn’t tell you?
My mind begins to spiral into worst-case scenarios. I’m like a pendulum swaying back and forth from anger to confusion. Anger to acceptance. Anger to sadness and back to confusion again. Over and over it swings until I summon the courage to do what I need to do.
This is what it comes down to.
Best-case scenario, he never connected the dots and we can find some kind of way to wade through this once I have time to think... even if I can wrap my mind around falling in love with someone I tried so hard to hate.
Worst-case scenario, he knew and said nothing, and I won’t be able to look him in the eye anymore.
I’m praying to God for the former, even if I don’t know that it will make a difference.
Isaac
There’s a bit of a tradition here in the firehouse when we get new meat in for their first week. Hazing them over a game of poker on quiet nights.
The sun has set now, and there’s a crisp chill in the air, but it’s nice, so we have the truck bay doors open, letting the breeze come through the entire firehouse.
“I’ll see your five dollars and raise you ten,” Jordan, the new guy, says, keeping a straight face.
I’m watching with my arms over my chest as Grady takes a peek at his own cards then back to the four cards in the middle.
“Let’s see it.” He nods to me and I reach out, drawing the fifth card and laying it on the table, the Queen of Hearts.
It’s silent while Grady and Jordan size each other up.
“I’m going all-in, fellas,” Grady says, pushing every coin and bill he has to the center of the table.
He’s bluffing. I have always been able to read Grady like a book and he hates it. That’s why he’ll never play against me.
All of our attention goes to Jordan, who is now looking at his hand, back at the cards in the center of the table, then to Grady.
Come on, Kid. Don’t be scared of him.
“Fuck,” he sighs, tossing his cards down. “I fold.”
Groans erupt from all of us who are watching before Grady begins to wildly laugh.
“Should have been braver, kid.” He shows his hand, and he didn’t have shit. Nothing at all.
The bragging begins, all in good fun of course, when my name rings over the intercom.
“Black. You’ve got a visitor.”
I check my watch and it’s nine o’clock at night. “On my way,” I call out.
I half-jog, half-walk toward the front of the station, through the two trucks, and find Sawyer standing there in a pair of leggings and a hoodie. Her hair is in a high ponytail, and her makeup free eyes are red and blotchy.
“Baby? Are you okay? You’ve been crying.” I try to reach for her, but she steps backward out of my touch. “Sawyer?”
“Don’t touch me, okay. I just... I can’t handle it right now if you touch me.”
“Did something happen? What’s wrong?”
She sniffs and wipes her cheek with her sleeve and thrusts her phone at me. “Please explain this and tell me I’m crazy.”
I only have to read the title of the video to know what it is, and my surroundings start to shake, my stomach nearly drops to my feet.
“Sawyer, I need you to listen to me...”
“Did you know? Did you know who I was?”
Now or never. Fight or flight. Don’t fuck up, Black.
“Not at first, but... yes.”
Her eyes squeeze closed as another tears slips free. “How long?”
“Sawyer, please let me hold...”
She shakes her head and steps out of my reach again. “How long, Isaac?”
“A few weeks.”
“A few weeks?” she shouts. “You’ve known for a few weeks and you never told me?”
“I didn’t know how to tell you. It wasn’t like I could just come out and say it.”
“Yes, you could! That’s exactly what you should have done.” She pauses to take a breath. “How did you find out?”
I stand stock-still, fighting every urge I have to grab her by the shoulders and pull her to me, kissing the life out of her just so she can see I love her. I love her so much.
“When you told me about what happened to him. I never put it together before because you look so different now, but once you told me the story... I knew.”
“I feel so stupid. You just lied to my face every day for weeks. Isaac... I.... You should have told me right then. Right that second. Maybe we could have figured it out then, but now....” She is pulling away, curling into herself. I can almost see her walls building as high as the sky in front of my eyes.
“Now what? Tell me, Sawyer, what does this change in the grand scheme of things? I’m still me. You’re still you. Yes, we have a fucked-up connection to each other, but that played zero part in my feelings for you.”
“How doesn’t this change everything, Isaac?” She begins to cry harder now, not even trying to contain it anymore. “I spent five years mourning my brother, trying so hard to blame his death on anyone but him because that was easier. I spent five years hating the man who I felt didn’t react fast
