Her last words come out in a staggered breath.
“Sawyer, I did everything I could do that night... Jason...”
“Don’t!” she snaps, pointing a finger at me. “Don’t say his name. Just... don’t. You didn’t know him. Don’t talk about him like you knew him. I can’t listen to it. Not after everything. I had practiced what I would say to that man if for some reason our paths ever crossed... I guess the joke is on me though. The universe likes testing me, I guess.”
Fuck the distance. Fuck the tension. I need her to look at me. To feel me. To see me.
I step forward, taking her face in my hands and force her eyes to mine. She doesn’t pull back; she doesn’t fight me.
“I love you, Sawyer. I love you so much. I didn’t tell you because I couldn’t break your heart like that. I just... fuck... I love you so much. Isn’t that enough?”
Her bottom lip begins to tremble. “Maybe… if you hadn’t lied to me. That isn’t something I can look past, no matter how much I love you. And I have to be honest, Isaac. Every time I look at you now, all I see is his face and think about the fact he’s not here anymore. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that.”
“Don’t do this.”
I feel it coming from a mile away. With every second that passes, a link to the chain that connects our hearts together starts to break. One after another until she pushes up on her tiptoes, presses a kiss to my lips, and snaps the remaining one free. “I love you, Isaac... but I can’t do this anymore.”
She turns and bolts back out the front of the fire station toward her car, disappearing around the corner.
I stand there in shock... in sadness... in anger at myself.
I should chase after her. I should go to her. I should fight for us.
But I don’t.
Maybe it’s a sick form of self-punishment for not following my first instinct and telling her the truth.
Maybe I deserve this, because she’s right. I’m a constant reminder of the worst day of her life. How can I ask or expect her to put herself through that?
Is love enough to overcome that?
I guess I’ll never know.
Chapter 24
Sawyer
I’m not sure how long I’ve been driving. It could be three minutes or it could be three hours. I can’t go home because everything in my house reminds me of him. I can’t stop driving because the silence of a killed engine and lack of music is deafening.
So, I drive.
Tears have been falling down my face since I turned and walked away from him, and a stone has made a permanent home in my chest where my heart used to be. I don’t have that anymore though. I gave it to Isaac and he didn’t give it back. I have a feeling he’ll have it for a very long time.
I don’t know if he’s called or texted me. My phone is off and in my purse in the back seat, out of my reach, out of my sight. If I see it or see him call, I’ll answer and I’m not strong enough to stay on my path right now. I can’t look at him. It only makes everything hurt more.
I’ve long since stopped recognizing the streets I’m on, letting myself get lost on the winding roads with only my headlights and the sounds of my radio keeping me company. All I want is to drown out my thoughts and just forget all about this.
If I forget about him, maybe it will hurt less.
I roll to a halt at a stop sign before taking a right onto another curvy road, just as the first trickle of rain hits my windshield.
A laugh bubbles in my throat. A pure, feeling sorry for myself, like this day could get any worse laugh escapes my lips.
Of course it would rain.
But with rain, comes cleansing... clarity... regret.
I miss him.
I’ve only left him a few hours ago and the longing in my soul already outweighs the anger and betrayal I feel toward him by a clear mile. I’m squeezing the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles are white. He lied to me. He kept something huge from me and that’s unforgivable.
But he was going to tell you. He just didn’t want to hurt you.
There was this cartoon I loved when I was a little girl. It was silly and ridiculous, but I remember one of the characters had an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. They would try to sway him to do one thing or another. It was all funny things, of course, but I can relate to that in this moment.
Angel Sawyer is telling me to go back to him. To give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him. To listen to him. To love him. It would be a balm to the aching inside of my heart.
Devil Sawyer is telling me to keep driving and never look back. To drive away from Sunnyville and start over where the memory of him will be in the rearview because he lied. He looked me in the face and lied. After Jason, lying is something I never allow in my life.
But I remember the dancing in Napa and making sushi together on our first date. I remember the way his face lit up when Herbert jumped up onto his lap and when we kissed for the first time. I remember the way his hands felt on my body and the taste of his lips. I remember his laugh... his voice... I remember falling in love with him so quickly that I felt drunk.
I
