“Hurry up, though. Ms. Stanlin is waiting for her paperwork.”
We both waited, eyes locked as the footsteps faded. Slowly, reluctantly, River let me go and sagged with his back to the wall beside me.
“Fuck, Holden,” he said, sounding drained. “You can’t be showing up here. Or at my house. My friends…they’re starting to get suspicious. If it gets out about you and me, my football career is over.”
“How very dramatic.”
River shook his head. “It won’t be overt. It won’t be obvious. They’ll just fade me out slowly. Bench me at college and I’ll go undrafted. I wish it weren’t that way, but it is. No one comes out until they’re retired. Not if they want to play.”
“You don’t want to play.”
“I do,” he said. “For my dad, I do. He’s losing Mom. It’s the only thing I can give him.”
A silence fell. My heart felt as if it were breaking and yet strangely full at the same time.
“You’re a good guy, River. Too good for the likes of me.”
I pushed off the wall and started walking. If I looked at him, at his face that was as kind as it was handsome, I’d cry.
“Holden…”
“Go on,” I said without looking back. “Ms. Stanlin is waiting.”
James started to toss his cigarette when he saw me approach. I waved to him not to and pulled out my own Djarums. I lit mine off his and we smoked in silence.
“Welp,” I said finally. “Can’t say I didn’t try. Tell them to put that on my gravestone, James. Hey, at least he tried.”
“Very good, sir,” he said quietly.
He took me back to the guesthouse. I’d hardly been home a minute when a text came in from River.
I shouldn’t have let you walk away.
I let out a shaky breath and sank onto the couch. My fingers trembled slightly as I typed a reply.
That’s a hell of an opener, my friend.
It’s the truth. The first true thing I’ve said in a long time. I’m sorry it took so long to say it.
That’s okay, I typed. I understand.
I don’t want you to understand, River wrote back. I want you to punch me in the face until I stop being so ducking scared all the time.
I sagged against the couch cushions and smiled to myself, imagining River in his mechanic’s uniform, his big football player body hunched over his phone. Hope and happiness rose in my chest, making me stupid.
Ducking? I typed.
There was a short pause and then my phone lit up with River’s number.
“I don’t want to punch you in the face,” I said as I answered. “Firstly, I’m not into that kinky shit—”
“Holden…”
“And secondly—”
“Will you shut up for a minute?”
“Damn, you’re sexy when you’re bossy.”
He sighed that was half laugh. “Why aren’t you pissed off? I was a dick to you. You deserve better.”
I ignored that last part, even as my heart ached to hear it. “I’m not pissed. You’re doing your best.”
“I can do better.”
“What does that mean?”
“I want to see you again.”
I laid my hand on my chest. “I do too. But you still have to go to college and I’m still leaving the country.”
“I know. Does that make this a bad idea? Or wrong?”
“A mistake?”
“Yeah,” he said, his voice low. “I don’t want to see you like how you were on Christmas. Not ever again. I…don’t want to hurt you.”
I pressed the phone tighter to my ear. “I don’t want to hurt you either.”
“So maybe we try again. Take it slow. See what happens. But…oh, Christ,” River said suddenly with a groan. “I asked Violet to Prom.”
I grinned. “Of course, you did.”
“You and I hadn’t spoken in months and—”
“I already knew.”
“How?”
“I told you. Miller and Violet are soul mates.”
River huffed a sigh. “But Holden, as far as I know, we’re still going together. And even if not, I can’t—”
“Be seen with me in public?”
He made a pained sound.
“I’m messing with you,” I said. “I know the deal and besides, it’s not like all my shit has suddenly vanished either. My mental baggage isn’t going to be cured by spending quality time with your huge, perfect dick.”
He coughed. “Jesus, dude.”
“Alaska is still there. I can’t promise it won’t drag me down again like it did that day.”
I waited with my breath held for River to tell me that he’d changed his mind and that my shit was too much to deal with. That I wasn’t worth it.
“Forget what I said about not wanting to see it,” River said. “I want to be there for you and…help you through whatever I can.”
I shook my head, tears stinging my eyes. “It’s a lot.”
“Let me take it,” he said. “I want to. I don’t know what’s going to happen with my mom, but when it does, it’s going to be bad. If we help carry each other’s shit, maybe it won’t all seem so damn heavy, you know? Maybe we won’t feel so…”
“Alone.”
“Yeah. Okay so…” River cleared his throat. “I guess we’ll talk soon.”
Disappointment bit at me. This is what taking it slow looks like.
“Yep. Goodnight, River.”
“Goodnight, Holden.”
We hung up and I stared at my phone, stifling a smile to keep it from getting too big and dopey.
I want to see you again…
“Patience, grasshopper,” I told myself. “Good things come to those who wait, or some such bullshit.”
Twenty minutes later I’d changed into pajama pants and a V-neck T-shirt
