"I got into a car accident about seven years ago and I ended up fucking up my back, hip, and my knee. I needed surgery on my knee and my back which led to months and months of physical therapy to try and get back to normal. My doctor gave me oxy for the pain. I got addicted—fast. My doctor gave me more and more anytime I asked. I had my supplier and I didn't think much about it because if my doctor was giving them to me, what could be wrong?"
I brush my fingers through her hair and I press my lips to the top of her head.
"It went on like that for a year or so. I popped pills, crushed them, even snorted them, anything to get the high. Nobody knew what I was doing. It was easy to hide or maybe nobody said anything. I just hated how I didn't feel like me anymore, everything I used to be able to do, run, play football, fucking walk, I couldn't do without the pain being blinding. My father was more worried about me taking over the company, while I was in the middle of fucking suffering. I couldn’t deal. I felt like he was telling me to get over it, when in the beginning sitting in a computer chair for long hours was torture. I tried to play it off for him. I will always feel this need to please the bastard, and don’t get me wrong, I love what I do, but back then all I cared was about my next hit and making sure no one found out.”
“You were all alone during all this? Nobody could see that you were hurting?” Tears well in her eyes, and I brush them away. This isn’t what I want. I don’t want her to hurt for me.
“I was, and I wanted to be at the time. I was angry at the world and trying to block out the pain I felt. Or so I think. I still don’t have it all figured out.” I don’t think I’ll ever really figure out what was going through my mind after I got addicted. The addiction was in control, I do know that much. “Don’t cry for me.”
“Sorry,” she sniffs. “I guess I wish I knew you sooner. Go on.”
I do too.
“Soon the oxy wasn't enough. I was still in pain, but the high and the numb feeling I needed, I wasn't getting with the oxy anymore. So, I started drinking." I pause as I remember the first time I had gone out to get wasted. Alone. Then when I was kicked out of the bar, I went to the liquor store, got a bottle of vodka, and went back to my place to drown out my misery. It was days later before anybody came looking for me.
"I think I had a death wish, I don't know. But I felt good. Actually, it's a lie. I didn't feel at all."
She squeezes me tight and buries her head into my chest.
"What?"
She shakes her head. "I need to be closer to you."
I chuckle lowly at her apparent lie, but I'll take it. I kiss the top of her head and continue. "The crazy thing about it all as I look back now, every time I took a swig of beer or popped a pill, I'd asked myself ‘Why?’"
"Did you ever try to stop to or get help?”
“No, because I didn’t know what reason I had to stop. I eventually got the company and I managed to successfully run a multimillion-dollar business, expand and turn the mess my father left around. So, I figured I needed the pills and alcohol to succeed. Then fucking Sara happened.”
“Sara?”
I slip out of her arms and move to the other side of the couch. I need space when it comes to talking about her. “She'd be the reason I flipped out on you when you first told me about Matty and why I asked how much money you wanted. Why my father did the same when he met you.”
“I had a feeling someone had done something before.”
“When she told me she was pregnant I wanted to do the right thing. I didn't really know her. We met at a bar and hooked up one night.”
“Sounds familiar,” she mumbles as she curls one of her strawberry strands around her fingers.
“I had a system and it worked. Obviously.” I smirk smugly and a throw pillow comes at my head. I duck before it makes contact with my face.
“Alright, smartass. I get it. You got ways that make women drop their panties.” She rolls her eyes and I full out laugh.
“You seem to be keeping yours on just fine around me.”
Her face flushes as she sinks into the couch with folded arms. “Will you go on?”
“I let Sara into my life. Gave her whatever she needed. Whatever she asked for. I also decided since I was having a child, I would quit pills and drinking. I didn't want my kid around me like that. I was clean for a while, till she gave birth, and I found out the child wasn’t mine. I went back to drinking and pills within hours.”
“I’m sorry. What a bitch,” Holly grinds out.
“Bitch is one of the kinder words everyone uses to describe her.”
“Did
