“Harder? I’m taking back control of my life.” Once, it had been rare to see such a look of granite on her elder daughter’s happy face, but now it appeared whenever Libby talked about Jess and Leo. This raging hatred stole Libby’s humanity and looked worryingly familiar. It was reminiscent of everything in Karen’s childhood she’d kept hidden from the twins. She’d been determined to shelter them from the uglier parts of life and she’d fought hard to shower them with unconditional love—something she’d had to learn from Peter and his family. But for the first time as a mother, she was questioning if she’d made the right choice. Perhaps if she’d carefully chosen one or two stories to use as examples when the twins were growing up instead of hiding everything, it might have prevented Libby changing into this controlling and vindictive woman.
She tried again. “Don’t you think that by choosing not to be involved with Leo, you’re opening up an opportunity for Jess to gate crash a visit?”
“If she does that, all visits are off.”
“And Nick agreed to that?”
But Libby was called to an emergency and Karen had left the clinic.
Now she squinted into the weak winter sunshine and finally picked out Leo standing at the bottom of the slide on the opposite side of the park.
Halfway over Karen called out, “Hello, Jess.”
The younger woman turned and for a split second Karen didn’t recognize her. Jess’s usually well made-up face was puffy and devoid of makeup and her shiny chestnut curls hung dull and limp around her pale face. Her trim waist had thickened and instead of wearing tailored pants or her signature tight jeans, she was clad in cheap and shapeless track pants.
The hairs on Karen’s arms raised in a jolt of sensation. Jess looked exactly like Linda the first time Karen had met her. Was Jess drinking like Linda? Karen’s heart ached at the thought.
“Hi, Leo.”
The little boy’s big brown eyes, so much like Nick’s, gave her a long and solemn stare. Then he suddenly got shy and hid his face against his mother’s legs.
Not the best start. Karen bobbed down so she was at his level. “Would you like a swing?”
He tilted his head, considering the offer.
“I can push you and Mommy can watch.”
Leo let go of Jess’s leg and ran to the swing. Jess strode after him and Karen noticed she flinched as she lowered him into the bucket seat.
“Sore back? Lifting a toddler up and down all day is like hefting sacks of potatoes.”
Jess didn’t reply so Karen turned her attention to Leo. “Here we go.” She pushed him gently.
Leo squealed in delight. “More.”
“I thought Libby would have instructed you to grab him and run,” Jess said bitterly.
“I thought you wanted him to spend time with his father.”
“I do. It’s not an unreasonable request that his father pick him up.”
Karen didn’t want this first pick-up to devolve into an argument over Jess’s inability to understand that her action of conceiving with Nick meant she was no longer welcomed into Libby’s family the way she’d once been. She focused on Leo instead.
“I want Leo to trust me, not fear me. I want him to associate me with fun not dread. A bit of a play here before we leave will help.” Karen lightly touched Jess’s arm. “So will him seeing you happy with me.”
Jess sighed and unfolded her arms. “It’s a shame your daughter doesn’t think the same way as you.”
“Well, we’re not in the same situation, are we?”
“Leo is your grandson.”
Technically, he wasn’t. But as Karen had often been a stand-in mother to teenage Jess, she didn’t have the heart to say it. “I want us to make this transfer a positive experience for the three of us.”
Jess stared into the middle distance. “I didn’t think it would be this hard.”
Having a married man’s child? Losing your best friend? Being ostracized by half the town? Sole parenting? “What would be this hard?”
“Leo spending time with Nick without me. Me not knowing what they’re doing. And Leo’s not old enough to tell me!”
Oh, Jess. Karen’s heart bled for the confused and lonely woman who reminded her of herself before she’d met Peter. Although Karen understood Jess was accountable for her actions, the memories of her own parents’ zealotry could still lance her with pain. She had a sudden and violent urge to bring Linda back from the dead and scream, “How could you have let her down so badly?”
The professionals, with their middle-class life experience and privileges, might dole out advice such as “Every parent does the best job they can given their circumstances”, but that didn’t make up for the massive damage some parents inflicted upon their children. Linda had not only let down Jess by failing to provide her with safety and security, but also by randomly giving and taking away her love and affection. Had it left Jess floundering in a moral and ethical morass when it came to the responsibilities inside friendships and intimate relationships? All Karen knew was her own parents had inflicted their warped religion and love on her but thankfully, she’d found Peter and Dot to love and guide her.
And Lisa?
Guilt screwed down so hard and fast, Karen almost cried out. She’d failed her sister. Had she failed Jess too? When Jess was a teen, Karen had tried to help and guide her, but Jess had never lived with them and seen the daily negotiations and choices that go hand in hand with a functioning relationship. Once, when Libby was seventeen, Karen had tried to point out to her daughter some of the problems that can arise from such an exclusive friendship. It had not gone down well.
“How would you know, Mom? It’s not like you even have a best friend!”
And she didn’t have a best friend. Her shuttered childhood had precluded making friends and she’d never really learned how. As an adult, she had plenty of female acquaintances, but not a best friend.
