“Libby, do you commit to revisiting this when you’re stronger as a couple?”
Faced with the force of the question, Libby understood Nick’s reluctance. “I suppose.”
“Good.” Teresa smiled. “Okay, so back to what I was saying before. Based on what you’ve told us both individually and as a couple, the months after Dom’s death were understandably the most difficult you’ve ever faced as a couple. Grief changes our brain chemistry and can alter our thinking. When two people are hurting at the same time, often neither is in a position to help the other.”
“Libby’s the strongest and most together person I know,” Nick said. “She’s never needed help before and I didn’t know what to do to help me cope, let alone help her. Whatever I tried, it felt like it wasn’t enough and I watched her moving away from me. We’d lost our baby, but it was a double whammy, because I felt I was losing my best friend too.”
His words bumped against Libby like gentle waves on Freedom’s hull. They didn’t accuse or blame, they merely existed. Just as Nick’s feelings existed. She didn’t know what to do with them.
“Would you like to speak to any of this, Libby?” Teresa asked.
Her fingers twiddled with the bracelet Nick had given her on their fifth anniversary—a happy time when thoughts of being mired deep in a marriage crisis were so unimaginable, it would have been laughable to think it possible. Yet here they both were, hurt and bleeding.
I watched her moving away from me.
It jolted Libby to realize that some of her rage at Nick might be redirected anger from that time of darkness when her world had caved in for the first time. “I didn’t just lose a baby, I lost the son we wanted.” She turned to Nick. “For weeks, every time I looked at you, all I could think of was how badly I’d let you down.”
“God, Libby, no.” He grabbed her hand. “It was never your fault. I never said it was. I never even thought it. Why would you think that? I mean, you explained the autopsy report to me …” He trailed off, clearly perplexed.
“I don’t know.” Pain struck her like a blunt knife. “I’d never failed at anything before and—”
“You didn’t fail. We had an unexplained stillbirth.”
The official term didn’t offer any solace. “Our baby died inside me! That feels like failure. I blamed myself so it seemed reasonable you’d blame me too.” She sighed. “Teresa’s right. I wasn’t thinking straight. If I had been, I’d have known you were the last person to place any blame. Instead, when we needed each other the most, I pushed you away.”
She heaved in a breath, forcing it into a tight chest. “I haven’t wanted to admit it, Nick, but I’ve got some responsibility in all of this nightmare too.”
“Thank you.” Relief filled his face and he blinked rapidly. “I’m sorry I didn’t cope better. I’m sorry my stupidity added to our pain. I’ll always regret it. Always be sorry for it.”
She touched her forehead to his. “I’m sorry too.”
They stayed there, tears mingling, until Libby shuddered in a very loud and snorty breath. Nick laughed. Teresa passed a box of tissues and offered water.
“This sort of conversation can be a reset button for your marriage,” Teresa said when Libby finished blowing her nose. “When we own our mistakes, it empowers us to make changes. This is your time to strengthen and improve your relationship into the future. I know you found the communication workshop difficult, but both of you have just demonstrated open listening, empathy and gratitude.”
“Who knew,” Libby joked weakly.
“We realize you’ve got some extra challenges, because of the affair ch—because of Leo. Leo means the other woman will remain in your lives until he’s an adult. But, and this is very important, if you’re committed to each other and you’re prepared to put in the hard yards and work as a team, there’ll come a point when you’ll look back and realize you’re not only over the hump and on the other side, you’re both happier for it.” Teresa smiled warmly. “And remember, you’re not alone. Use your support network.”
“And have more sessions with you,” Nick said emphatically.
Teresa and Chris rose, signaling the end of the session. “We’ll see you at dinner.”
Still slightly dazed, Libby held Nick’s hand as they left the room. Deep in thought, they didn’t say much as they rode the elevator to their room. Once inside, Nick fell on the bed, rubbing his eyes. “I’m knackered.”
“Do you want a drink?”
“Nah. I think I’ll have a quick nap so I can cope with dinner. This talking about your feelings stuff wears a bloke out.”
She looked at his long form stretched on the bed, his drawn and exhausted face and the new strands of silver peppering his hair. It had been an emotionally challenging weekend, but then again, it had been an emotionally challenging couple of years. Yet they were at this workshop because Nick had insisted. He’d admitted his mistake to the group. He’d talked about how one poor decision made him feel less of a man and how much he regretted it every time he saw the impact of it on her and the girls.
The truth hit her and she took a sharp breath. Despite what she’d thrown at Nick over the last six months, he’d been working hard at living the best version of himself. While she’d been clinging to anger, allowing it to blind her, he’d been in the trenches, fighting for himself, for their marriage and for a happy family life for the girls.
Only an honorable man admitted his mistakes and worked that hard for redemption.Another lump of anger dissolved, exposing a bridge she wanted to cross. “Can I nap with you?”
He opened his arms to her and she lay down, rolling into him and resting her head on his chest.
He wrapped an arm around her and kissed her hair. “Tesoro mio. I’ve missed you so
