I swallow down the knot forming in my throat.
Her trembling fingers stroke my cheek, and I rest my palm on her belly. “I’m so sorry, James.”
“Yeah. Me too. I know you’ve been through a lot tonight, but I need you to tell me what happened.”
“I will. I’ll tell you everything, but first will you hold me? Please. All I’ve wanted is you.”
I kick off my boots and lead her to bed. “You’re freezing.”
“The cold reminds me that I’m still breathing. That my heart is still beating when it shouldn’t be.”
“Don’t talk like that.” I tuck her into my side, stroking the rough pads of my fingers up and down her arm.
“You say that now.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“When I tell you...you’re gonna be done with me, and wish I were dead, but don’t worry I wish it enough for the both of us.”
“Tell me now,” I growl.
“I love you.” she cries. “I love our baby. I loved Rochelle.”
Chapter Twenty-two
Tears blur my vision. My chest constricts. I find it hard to breathe, but I know I have to tell him. I have to tell James everything even if it means I will lose him forever. It’s what I deserve after what I did. “I need you to know I never wanted to hurt you. Rochelle. Hell, not even Ruthie. She’s been good to me, and I don’t deserve her kindness. I don’t deserve you, but I love you, James. I love you so much that it makes me physically sick and thought of losing you...I wish I had died tonight. I don’t know why God didn’t take me instead. Maybe there is no God.”
“Lex,” he starts, but I press my finger to his lips, and he kisses the tip.
“Please listen. I need to say this.”
He stares at me long and hard, and I can’t find the words I need to say to him. My heart is going to beat out of my chest.
“Easy. Breathe. You being this upset isn’t good for the baby.” He blows out a whoosh of air. “Let it wait till morning. I think we’ve both had enough bad for one day. Whatever you want to tell me I sense it’s nothing good. Nothing I’m gonna want to hear. It won’t change the fact that my daughter is laying on a metal slab at the funeral home. Won’t change the fact that Papa has to bury his son. I don’t know if there’s a God, but never wish yourself dead, Lex. Not for me or anyone. Tomorrow I have to make arrangements for Rochelle. Tonight I need you to be you. Be strong for me. Need you to make everything else disappear in the way only you are capable of. I need you, pretty girl. I need you to remind me that I have something worth fighting for.”
His hand slides to my hip then curves to the shape of my stomach. Our lips meet, tongues connecting in a slow dance that only we know the steps to. Nothing or no one can bring me to life like he can. His warmth washes over me giving me false hope that we can survive this.
“Even on the worst fucking day of my life all I wanted is you, babe. Couldn’t get to you fast enough.”
“You shouldn’t want me. You should hate me, and you will. You’re going to leave me. You won’t want me or this baby. You’ll stop loving me.”
“Stop pushing me away, Lex. You asked me to take your pain away now I’m asking you to do the same.” He swipes his fingers along my cheeks then kisses the last of my tears away.
“You give me too much credit.”
Hooking his thumbs along the waistline of my panties, jerking the white lace over my thighs in one swift motion he says, “Need you skin to skin.” My tank top is pulled up over my head and tossed to the floor.
“However you want me, I’m yours.” I help my shattered man out of his clothes. I’ve never seen him like this, and it’s all my fault. The sight of his broken spirit nearly kills me. It’s my fault. All of it. Him. Us. Ruthie. Rochelle. Colter. All the hurt leads straight back to me. I destroy everyone I love.
“Want to bury myself so deep inside you I disappear,” he whispers into my ear, teeth sliding against the shell. I want it more than he knows. To disappear. For us to get lost and never find our way back.
“Follow me into the dark and leave all your troubles behind.” I brush my lips over his.
“Let me lose myself in you for a few hours.” Dragging his lips down my throat, he nips the thin skin there with his teeth, and I scratch my nails down his back. We do our best to crawl inside one another to escape our heartache.
Hot, thick, and rock hard, James guides his cock inside me. I gasp at the welcomed intrusion. He doesn’t move. His gaze meets mine, tortured and uncertain of what the future holds.
“Don’t talk. Just listen.” He caps a palm to my lips. “I know I’ve had a fucked up way of showing it, but I do love you, Alexa. I love you more than I can ever show you. I’m in a bad way. My head is in a dark place. I’m gonna say and do shit I don’t mean. I’m gonna hurt you, baby. I don’t want to, but I will. I’m angry at the world. I want to watch it burn.” He removes his hand.
“I’ll give you the match,” I promise, and he has no idea how true my words are. When I tell him what happened, I’ll be first on his list. The thought of losing him terrifies me, but we’ll always have tonight. Our love will live on forever in our baby and in my heart. A tear escapes, rolling down my cheek.
“Don’t cry, pretty
