“No.”
“If you’re still blaming yourself, then we need to talk about that.”
“I mean, I do blame myself. A little. But that’s not why.”
“Ok. Why?”
“I don’t know why I should stay here. The whole reason I came here was to get a clean slate, focus on building my brand, and leverage that into some endorsement and marketing deals. That’s over. That’s dead. I don’t even want to tell you how many followers I have now, and whatever, that’s fine, but there’s no point in staying here.”
“You’ll rebuild. You’re smart and funny, and you’ve got charisma. You rebrand and you rebuild, and you’ll be even more successful this time.”
“I don’t know if I want to.”
“I know things look bad right now, but you shouldn’t throw away everything you worked for.”
“Right,” Auggie said. “Stupid videos of me dancing, stupid videos of me with my shirt off, no nips. Stupid videos that nobody remembers five minutes after they watched them.”
“My favorite one is the one where you keep trading shirts.”
In spite of himself, Auggie snorted. “Are you serious?”
“You’ve got the three blue polo shirts, and one is sized for a little kid, and then there’s one that fits you, and then there’s the huge one. And you and Logan and Devin keep passing them around, and somehow, you keep ending up with the tiny one.”
“Yeah,” Auggie said. “That was one of our earliest videos.”
“Like the eighth time you end up with the little shirt, you get this look on your face. I don’t know. I’ve seen the real version of that look on your face so many times, and it made me laugh. It still makes me laugh, actually. I’ll think of it at the weirdest times and just start laughing out loud.”
“Ok, thanks.”
“That’s a pretty big deal. Making people laugh, brightening their day, that’s a gift.”
“It’s not a gift. It’s a . . . it’s a fucking defense mechanism. I’m so fucking sick of it. Do you know why I do it? Jesus, this is so pathetic, but I can still remember the exact moment I figured out how it works: my mom had brought home her boy of the week, and he was actually a decent guy, and I wanted him to like me. Back then, I just wanted somebody to like me, pay attention to me. So I balanced this cup on my nose like a seal, and the guy thought it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen. And when he left, the next guy thought it was hilarious watching me slide down the stairs on a cardboard box. And then the next guy. And at some point, I started hating all those fucking guys, but I liked how it felt, having people look at me, like me, and it just kept going. And I’m tired of that.”
Theo was quiet for a moment. “There are people who see you for who you really are. People who like you, care about you, and you don’t have to perform for them.”
“Ok.”
“Fer does.”
“Fer’s my brother.”
“I do.”
Auggie nodded; he couldn’t look at Theo right then, so he stared at the couch and blinked.
“I think you could find a way to use this talent and still be honest about who you are,” Theo said quietly.
“I don’t really want to talk about this,” Auggie said, which he thought sounded pretty stalwart until he wiped his nose with the back of his hand.
“Ok,” Theo said slowly. “Another reason you should stay is that you’re getting a great education.”
“That Fer is paying a ton of money for. I could get a good education at home. I could just go to community college for a couple of years.”
Covering his face, Theo said, “Auggie, I think you’re being hasty.”
“I didn’t come here to have you talk me out of it. I came here because I wanted to tell you in person. You mean a lot to me, and you saved my life. I can’t ever pay that back. So, I just wanted you to know.”
“Auggie, let the semester play out. See how you feel. Give everything some time.”
Auggie scrubbed his hands on his jeans, and then he moved, sliding along the cushion until his knee bumped Theo’s, stretching up, kissing Theo. For a moment, it was perfect: one of Theo’s hands moved to the small of Auggie’s back, holding him; the other cradled the back of Auggie’s head. The kiss was strong and soft and sweet all at the same time. Theo kissed back, and there was something so erotic about his tongue teasing the opening of Auggie’s lips without ever sliding into his mouth that Auggie ached to know what it would feel like to have Theo kiss him deeply.
Then Theo planted a hand on Auggie’s chest and pushed him away.
“Theo,” Auggie said, “I love you. Ok? I love you.”
When he tried to kiss him again, though, Theo kept him at a distance. He didn’t say anything. He just fended him off.
“Auggie, hold on.”
“Oh my God,” Auggie said, his face heating. “Oh my God.”
“It’s ok.”
“Now I have to leave. Now I have to leave the country, I think.”
Theo surprised him by laughing. Then his hand slid up, and he caught a handful of Auggie’s collar, and he said, “Nope. You’re not going anywhere for a few minutes. We’re going to talk.”
“Please no talking,” Auggie said, blinking furiously. “You can stab me if it’ll make you feel better. I owe you one anyway.”
“I really care about you, Auggie,” Theo said.
“Oh God, not the soft letdown.”
“Damn it,” Theo said, jerking on his collar. “Will you listen?”
“Yeah,” Auggie said. “Yeah, I’m sorry. Ok.”
“I really care about you. And I’m really messed up right now. I asked you once if that could be enough, but that wasn’t what I should have said. What I should have said was this: I’m not at a place where I can date someone. Anyone. But I could really use a friend. I would really like you to be my friend.”
Auggie wiped his eyes. Struggling
