“I can text perfectly fine.”
“You don’t have any social media presence.”
“I know how to get on Instagram on my computer.”
“Oh my God, sometimes I wonder if you can even hear yourself. You don’t watch any good TV shows.”
“I would be willing to make some sort of television compromise.”
“All my friends have to be in my videos.”
“That’s a hard no.”
“Please, Theo. You’d get final say, and you’re so grumpy sometimes that you’d be perfect.”
Theo was making a strangled noise, and finally he gave Auggie another shake and said, “We can discuss it further.”
“Friends with benefits,” Auggie said.
“That’s also a hard no.”
“Cuddles.”
“Oh my Christ,” Theo whispered. “It’s like opening Pandora’s box.”
“I’m taking that as a yes,” Auggie said with a smirk. “Fine, we can be friends. Now it’s my turn to say something.” He pried Theo’s fingers from his collar, and then he took Theo’s hand in both of his own. He forced himself to meet Theo’s eyes. “I know I kind of sprang that on you, but I meant it. I love you. I’m not going to chicken out. I’m not going to cheapen it by telling you I was just turned on by the kiss, although, um, yeah. I love you. And I understand that right now, I’m not who you want to be with. But I want to be the person you want to be with.”
“No, Auggie, that’s not what I meant. It’s not about you.”
“I know. But you deserve someone amazing. I’m going to try to become that person.”
“You shouldn’t change who you are for someone else.”
“I don’t want to change who I am,” Auggie said, smiling. “I just want to be better. And hey, look, I got through this whole ego-shattering rejection without crying. That’s a step in the right direction, don’t you think?”
“You can cry whenever you want,” Theo said, his voice wobbly for some reason Auggie didn’t understand. “Crying doesn’t bother me.”
“I’m going to walk back to Moriah Court,” Auggie said, standing. “And then, tomorrow, I’m going to come over and do my homework on your new couch and get Dorito crumbs everywhere. And we’re just going to be friends.”
“Friends,” Theo said.
“With cuddles,” Auggie said.
“Platonic, completely nonsexual cuddling.”
Auggie rolled his eyes.
“No wandering hands,” Theo said.
“Yes, Mother Superior.”
Theo followed him to the door. While Auggie pulled on his boots and his coats, Theo stood in silence. Then Auggie looked around for his scarf, and Theo was holding it. Theo put it on him carefully, adjusting it a few times, his eyes never meeting Auggie’s.
When Theo looked up, he said, “Auggie, when my life blew up, making something beautiful gave me a new way to go forward. Even if it was just stupid watercolors that nobody else would like. Even if it was just something beautiful to me.”
Auggie nodded.
“And when the plague came to London,” Theo said, “do you know what Shakespeare did?”
Auggie smiled. “I got a 98.5% in your class. Of course I know. Goodnight, Theo.”
“Goodnight.” Then Theo caught his sleeve. “Auggie, you’re not moving home?”
Auggie just grinned and said, “Better stock up on Doritos.”
He headed out into the night, not feeling the cold, buoyed up on the brightness of the stars and the silver flood of the snow. He could feel Theo watching him from the porch all the way to the end of the street; when he turned onto the main road, he heard from a distance the thunk of the door shutting. Auggie walked another block until he was sure he was safe, his eyes burning hotter and hotter, and then he pulled out his phone and placed a call.
“What, asshat? If you tell me you fucking failed that first fucking finance exam, I’ll personally fly out there and beat your fucking ass.”
“Fer,” Auggie said, gulping around the sobs that were choking him. “I just really need to talk to someone right now.”
The sounds on the other end quieted; Fer was moving into another room. “All right, jizznuggett,” he said. “Talk to me.”
24
Saturday, Cart came over to finish the floors. Theo did what he could to help. They’d already sanded and swept and vacuumed, working at night when Cart was off duty, and now they were applying the stain. Cart had shown up in nylon shorts and a tuxedo t-shirt; Theo kept getting glimpses of those skinny-boy abs with their dusting of dark brown hair. And that butt. He definitely didn’t remember Cart having a butt like that.
At lunch time, Theo ran out and got sub sandwiches and a couple of six packs of Big Wave. When he got back, Cart had finished the front room, so Theo went around the house and met Cart in the kitchen. Tossing him a sub, Theo grabbed the bottle opener and hooked two of the Big Waves by their necks.
The rattle of pills against plastic interrupted him. Cart held the bottle of Percocet, and he shook it again.
“Come on,” Theo said.
“Right now, big boy. What’s it going to be today?”
“I could just go refill the prescription. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, but then I’d have to whip your ass. What’s your poison today? Pills or booze?”
“Pills don’t really go with a sub sandwich.”
“You sure? Last chance.”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
The bottle of pills went back into Cart’s pocket, where they’d been for the last week.
“I got stabbed, you know,” Theo said between bites of the sub. “I deserve a little compassion.”
“I’ve got plenty of compassion,” Cart said, pausing to slurp up a slice of salami that had almost slipped out of the sandwich. “Just not for fuckwads who do stupid fuckwad shit like they’ve got no fucking brains and never learned how to read a fucking warning label.”
“Fuck off,” Theo said.
Cart shot him the finger.
“Mayo,” Theo said, touching the corner of his mouth.
Cart found it with his tongue, grinned, and shot Theo the finger again.
When they’d finished the sandwiches, Theo opened two more beers, and Cart moved over to the chair next to him. This had become
