“What?”
“Jason relapsed. It came out of nowhere. We were moving into the house, this house. He was helping us move. You were, God, what, six or seven? Eight? I don’t even remember. I was too excited to get out of that tiny apartment. He sometimes would just watch us all together. I tried to set him up with some of my friends, but he was never interested. But you…I think he knew. You have his eyes. He’d watch you and sneak you presents. He helped paint your room. He was always there. Chris never suspected anything. I think Jason got depressed, seeing us being so successful and together. Seeing this house we made a home. Watching you grow up but not being a real part of your life. So, he started using again. But…he used too much.”
She doesn’t have to say it. I already know how this story ends. “He overdosed.”
“That’s why I tell you you’re so much like you’re father and why it scares the ever-living hell out of me. That’s why I want to keep you under my roof as long as possible, to watch out for you. You remind me so much of him. You even look like him. Every time I look at you it’s a reminder of Jason.” A tear escapes from the corner of her eye. “I never got to say goodbye. I found him. When he didn’t answer his phone again, I went to his place. He was in bed, like before, only this time was different… I never got to tell him the truth. I’d like to think maybe one day I would’ve told all of you, but I’m not sure that’s true. Once he was gone, I was selfish. I didn’t see the need to tell Chris anything. And I was scared if I did that I would lose him too. I’d already lost Jason. I couldn’t survive losing them both.”
I don’t know what to do with this information. It’s like I somehow both lost and gained my identity in one fell swoop. I’ve got the answers I always wanted, and yet I want to go back to before I knew. When I thought my dad was actually my dad.
Fuck, ignorance really is bliss.
“So you lied. To all of us. You made me believe I was crazy, like I was this awful kid. You treated Carson and Lucas so differently than me. You held the key all along and you didn’t fucking tell me.”
“Flynn, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”
“Don’t.” I rub the back of my neck where my tattoo sits. My ink means something completely different now that I know why I am the way I am. Is this something I want marked on my body to pretend like I’m proud of it?
It’s a reminder of my brokenness. Everything I am because of someone I don’t even know. What could’ve been, but never will be.
Just like the tattoo, I can’t change it. I am who I am.
I refocus back on the box in front of her. “What’s in there?” My anger strums through my veins, but my curiosity is also strong.
“Memories. Pictures of me and Jason from high school, pictures of you and him together. Things you don’t even remember, but he was always there.” She pushes off the ground and leans against the doorjamb. “I’ll let you alone to…process. Everything in that box is yours, Flynnie. Keep whatever you’d like. Take your time. I’m here to talk and if you have questions.”
“This is all your fault. If you told him, maybe he’d still be alive. Maybe he would’ve fought to get better. Maybe he would’ve tried. If you didn’t fucking lie to him, maybe he wouldn’t be dead and I could’ve known him.”
“You think I don’t think about that every single day?” Her voice isn’t angry but solemn. She’s broken.
“What about Dad? Do you even love him?”
“Of course I love your father. More than you could ever imagine. I never meant to hurt him or betray him. It’s why I’m going down there now to fight for us, no matter what it takes. That’s what you do for love and for your family, Flynn. That’s what I tried to do with Jason, but the three of us were never going to work. I would’ve destroyed the business and their friendship. I would’ve had to choose and I wasn’t willing to do that. I was selfish. People make mistakes. It’s not too late for you to learn from mine.”
Twenty
Flynn
The box is filled with a variety of pictures. If I had found this box before I went over to Liam’s I would’ve had a more concrete case to present.
I still can’t believe I was right. Mostly right, anyway. I’m not adopted, but my mom was harboring quite the secret. I don’t know how to feel right now. The rush of emotions flooding my brain is confusing me. I’m choosing to focus on curiosity, and I’ll let the rest come later.
This is going to define my life. There’s going to be two chapters: before and after. Before I knew and after I found out.
I almost want to go back to the before. I wish I would’ve taken all of the clues and everything I found and driven to the ocean and dumped it all. I wish I never brought this up and imploded my parents’ marriage.
But realistically, I know it would still be true no
