“Great. I obviously didn’t compare.”
“Don’t say that. She’s not like that at all. She would never compare you to Eric or vice versa. You know that about her.”
Chagrined, he ducked his head down. “Yeah.” He sighed in agreement despite the obvious blow to his ego. “I guess I do know that.”
“Anyway, I told her to listen to her heart. Then she would know what she really wanted. She was always going to tell you. She wanted to tell you the day it happened but I discouraged that. I really came down hard and told her not to do anything about Eric or you. I worried about her, not you. I love her, not you. I want her to have the very best life she can, more than I care about you and your future life. So I pressured her to decide whom she wanted, you or Eric? All that useless guilt was wasted over you or Eric. I told her to decide what she, Kathy Randall, wanted in life. So don’t be an ass. She just was figuring things out.”
“And then Eric got shot before she could tell him whom she chose?”
“Well… yeah. But it would have come to this anyway. She will tell him now. I saw her face just like you. You knew the moment I knew.”
Glumly, he nodded. “Yeah. It’s just been a long, long day.”
It really was. “I’m sorry. That this came down today. But how could she face Eric and not tell him the truth after he was shot? And she wouldn’t as long as you were still in her life. She had to respect you first. But you knew all that and you released her. Did you have misgivings or doubts? I guess it doesn’t matter. But I noticed. And though you don’t give a shit about what I think of you, today, you did something heroic too.”
He shifted as she spoke, from being hunched over and miserable to actually looking at her. Listening and considering her words, he said, “I feel everything but that.”
“What we all saw was awful. Shocking. Traumatic. A man got shot. In church, no less. And that crazy guy was killed by our family’s security team. But I keep thinking that kid had to know he would get shot with so much armed security around. Everyone could see that. It reminds me of those who commit suicide by goading the cops into shooting them. Tragic, yes, but almost like it has to be that way.”
“Yeah. I agree with that.”
He was so different. His tone of voice sounded so sad. Achingly sad. “I need to get back to Kathy. What will you do now?”
“Pray?”
“Now? I think you should go home and get some rest. It’s been an awful day. And you look like you need to take care of yourself.”
“And you need to take care of your sister and your family.”
His tone was almost bitter. Like he was angry she had that important task and he didn’t.
But maybe it was more? Was Jim jealous that he had no family to take care of? Or to take care of him?
“Jim? Really, can I drive you home?”
He stiffened. “I’m fine.” He rubbed his hand on his face. “You’re right. I’m just exhausted. It was an awful day. I need to check in with the congregation and the staff and church members tomorrow. I have to go there… Can you imagine returning to that room?”
She cringed. It sounded horrible and Kayla preferred to never go near that place again. But Kathy would. She knew it. The church was Kathy’s comfort zone and Kayla was sure she’d go back there. Kathy would never let anyone take that from her.
What about Jim? What was left for Jim?
It was so depressing to see how alone the man was. His aloneness seemed to be consuming him. Now. At this moment. Right before her. Even the church and the connection he had with God couldn’t help him just then.
Kayla got up from the pew and said quietly, “You’re just human, Jim. With all the loneliness, frailty and failures that the rest of us share.”
He didn’t answer. Obviously, he wasn’t ready to hear that from her of all people.
So Kayla joined Kathy and stayed with her family. Kayla saw Kathy finally come out and smile, the first sign of her belief that Eric would be okay. Kathy nearly glowed… She told Eric some personal secrets and he responded well.
But…
Jim.
He was all alone and not okay. That’s what Kayla’s gut knew.
And maybe it was normal that he wasn’t right. He was way beyond sad or shocked or exhausted.
He seemed… God, so unlike himself. Abandoned and in need.
What could Kayla offer him? She had no idea. But there was no one else. As far as Kayla knew, Kathy was Jim’s only connection to humanity… What if he just untied himself from it?
It seemed far-fetched… But maybe not.
Kayla tried to imagine having no one to talk to after a day like this one. Hell on earth. Jim witnessed, lived through and experienced a traumatic event and now he had no one to share it with. To commiserate with. To vent the experience with.
Kayla left the hospital and went to the apartment Jim rented. The small, dumpy building was uninviting but she found it and knocked on the door. Glancing at the clock, she saw it was after eleven… Would Jim be asleep?
Again, at her gut level, she knew he wasn’t.
And she knew she did the right thing when he opened the door and saw her. Usually, he’d ask her what she wanted, but this time? He was hollow-eyed as he shrugged and turned away, leaving her standing there and the door wide open.
She took
