Sometimes, when Kayla tilted her head, he saw her resemblance to Kathy and Karlee. But that was all he saw; just the hint of her sisters for Kayla was definitely her own woman. More than anyone Jim ever met before. She was right about that.
Only Kayla was the sister he felt real and honest with. Enough to reveal more of himself than just the Pastor Jim part.
He shook his head and the potency of his drink hit him hard, making him dizzy. She might have a good point, something he never articulated or realized until that moment. He did like arguing with her. A lot. It invigorated him because it was real. His only chance to stray from being so flawlessly good all the time. Too much Pastor Jim as Kayla referred to it.
She cleared her throat. “Did you read all these books? Or are they just for your décor?”
Her soft words sounded nervous. New for Kayla. She was usually so confident and cool in her moods and conversation. In fact, Jim never witnessed her so unsure of herself as she seemed now, here with him.
It was like they didn’t know each other. But maybe it was different between them because they were alone. Kathy’s absence made their encounter very different. Along with the drink and curse words, now he was not being Pastor Jim or Kathy’s fiancé anymore.
“I read them.”
She nodded and asked, “And no TV at all?”
“No. I don’t watch it.”
She sighed. “Jim, that’s weird. You never watch any TV? Not even on your iPad or phone?”
“Never.”
Her tone was disappointed. “Oh, Jim. Don’t be so weird. You’re not that old. You must watch TV sometimes. Stream movies to relax and all that? You need to relax sometimes.”
“Maybe you’re the one who’s weird by wasting your time and rotting your brain.” He smirked at the burn.
She stiffened but didn’t rise to his bait. Glancing at the titles around her, she said, “There isn’t a single one that isn’t religious or philosophical…” She continued reading the titles of his book collection. Most were second hand, costing some change or a few dollars. Most were also old. “Or literature. Why don’t you ever relax?”
“Learning things relaxes me.”
“It’s strange. How old are you? I actually don’t know your age.”
“Thirty.”
“I figured as the head of a church you weren’t as young as Kathy. But sometimes your habits are young. Or maybe they’re really old. Not sure which.”
Kayla was twenty-five. Jim always knew her age. He remained aware of her ever since he first met her, when he was just getting friendly with Kathy. He failed to make any impression on her family and it seemed to proceed negatively after that.
“Does being well-read mean I’m weird in your circle of friends? Maybe you need to find a better crowd.”
She shook her head. “Nope. Not falling for it. We’re not arguing tonight. We are both victims of random violence. It was so traumatic, we could suffer from PTSD in the future. We need to support each other. I’m not falling into any ridiculous and childish arguments. If you just had a TV, we could stream a movie and just kind of relax and let go…”
“How would that help either of us? Staring at a box without talking? Why would I need you here for that?”
She shook her head. “Sometimes, you make me crazy and confused. At other times… you just make me sad.”
He scowled, unsure why she said that but she continued, “You don’t get it, do you? Just being with another person for emotional support? Sitting quietly with someone can be powerful and healing. You don’t always need words to know you’re being understood.” Her hair swung as she shook her head. “But from what I observed with you and Kathy, you two cannot relax together or be real. You can’t just be, right? So perhaps that’s why it sounds so strange to you. Maybe you never had anyone to truly be yourself with and feel totally comfortable. Sadly, maybe I’m the closest person who comes to that.”
“You’re not anything to me.” That had to be true. He felt desperate because he kept looking at her. Everything about her captivated him. The shine of her hair. The way her elbow lay on the armrest. The furious movement of her hands to emphasize when she spoke. They whirled around more frantically when he annoyed her. Or said something outrageous.
Her jeans hugged her bottom nicely and her thighs were crossed. Kayla’s body was sensuous. It showed in every movement she made. But more than that, she had confidence in herself at all times, and that was hard to ignore. A sexiness accompanied all that she did. Even as she rose to tuck a leg under her bottom, he watched how seductively she moved.
Jim blinked when the last bit of alcohol he downed fully hit him. Her figure grew blurry and his heart beat too fast and hard. He was getting hyper. Even his blood seemed to flow faster. Like he was all jacked up in his heart and body and head. He flashed on the moment Eric was falling. The horrible thud. The noise was so distinct. And the pops of flying bullets. But he took too long to understand what was happening.
He leaned forward and all the images converged again. The blood. All the blood that pooled on the floor of the room. Jim’s most holy place. He loved the large worship room. It was his pride and sanctuary. The one place where he felt real and true. Those few moments when he held the attention of the entire church and really shone in the role of pastor as he most wanted himself to be. He did. He wanted to do right and be good. That was all he wanted. He
