The times he chose to drink increased during those years. The loneliness, the darkness and the emptiness literally overwhelmed him. He was strangely disconnected from his own life. His prayers and old spiritual texts couldn’t dispel his sense that no one really cared if he lived or died. Perhaps a few devoted church members. But not really. No one knew him. Not the man. Not the human being.
Then Kayla entered his life.
He immediately felt grateful to rise up from the years of true emotional isolation in which he lived. Ever since he left the Zavarians. Being around Kayla, just in the short time he had with her, offered a life-changing discovery: he had never experienced true, honest, open intimacy. There was no one close to Jim.
Not a soul.
Kathy exposed Jim to a sliver of what it meant, but Kayla? Kayla offered Jim an entirely new way of being with someone, something he never expected. Or thought he wanted. But after one taste of it, the thought of losing that sensation, and Kayla specifically, gave Jim a dark, sinking sense of dread that crept up from his gut to his heart.
No. Not what he wanted in life. The thought of that was harder than facing Rob. His effort to discuss with Rob the one thing he never dared to admit to himself was more than difficult. He’d always lived alone. Even when having a roommate would have saved him money, he searched for an even dumpier place, no matter how small, because he preferred his own company. There was no one to hide his drinking from. Normally, the binges didn’t happen when he was expecting to work. Or if they did, he could easily cancel or miss plans. He never missed his Sunday sermons until he was floored by the extraordinary appearance of Jimmy.
He hadn’t meant to scare Kayla. She finally forced him to confess his entire life story to her. Something he never did before. Not like he could recall everything in chronological order. It was extremely screwed up when he laid it out for her. Judging by her reaction, her emotions at hearing it showed across her face and in her eyes. Shock, surprise, confusion, more shock. Then disgust, hurt, grief; everything was etched on her face. But Kayla didn’t react as the Zavarians did. Not for one moment did she have the expression they had. He’d have recognized it. Kayla was unaware of how closely he was watching her and monitoring her reaction. Especially when describing the true monster that Jimmy was, and admitting he knew. He ran away and hid from the truth.
Kayla did the opposite of the Zavarians. Imagine if they were like Kayla to Jim? Maybe he’d have stayed there longer. And what? Farmed? Worked out in the fields? Raised cattle? Become a granary worker with Dave? Maybe. It wouldn’t have been such a bad way to live.
But Jim loved being a pastor. It was the best part of his life, until he started hanging out with Kayla. Until he genuinely discovered that he liked, enjoyed, and had fun with her.
Maybe it was better this way. He found his calling, and seemed to make a true difference to people when he lectured and advised them.
Now, he was better. But when he was a kid? He’d felt betrayed by the Zavarians. Their lack of support or belief in him after they heard about his past, which he couldn’t help, stayed with him. He’d suffered as if they’d fully turned on him. It had left him feeling so alone that he was sure the entire world hated him, or they would if they ever found out. The shame and guilt he endured was deep and long-lasting. Only God and religion offered him redemption and an escape from those stubborn feelings of inadequacy.
But Kayla didn’t have to go to her damn family and tell them. He hated knowing it. The breach of trust and privacy. The stubborn fear that his past could become more fodder for their disapproval and judgment.
Kayla so intensely believed him and felt sorry for him that she asked her family to… what? Help him? Come to his rescue? He assumed that was her motivation.
So now, here was Rob.
Questioning his behavior was a strange reason for Rob to visit, but Jim refused to think too much about it. Kayla was honest when she said he didn’t know if he were an alcoholic.
“No one knew I drank because I lived alone and I kept it to myself. Considering my peers, drinking when and how I did was wrong. So when I told Kayla, I didn’t know what normal drinking is, it’s because I don’t know what I’m doing. You know about my father. Do you think that pedophile, cult leader taught me responsible drinking habits? There was nothing normal. Ever. I never lived in a home or had a mom or anything so I don’t know what normal is.”
Rob’s face showed total disbelief and surprise. “I didn’t think you’d be so honest.”
“I don’t have much left to protect in my life.” He waved his hand at his pathetic apartment. “Books. Trying to be a decent pastor, the church, and now Jimmy is threatening to take that away.” He wondered if he should admit the next thought, but there wasn’t much pride left inside him. He wasn’t sure if Kayla still wanted him like he did her. Whatever they shared must have been deep or he would not want her so much.
“And?” Rob prompted.
“And Kayla.”
Rob sighed and leaned back, folding his arms over his chest. “So knowing that she brought me into this doesn’t make you angry?
