“Yes. To all of it.”
Rob sat upright. “Then maybe you won’t be a rabbit hole for her. Understand this, Jim, I don’t want any of my daughters falling in love or whatever you want to call it, with a guy in denial about his addiction. Or the potential of having one. I don’t know how bad yours is or maybe it isn’t yet, but I can see the warning signs. You’re probably nowhere near how I was at my worst, but I didn’t start out there.”
He nodded hollowly. “How did you start?”
“I can’t remember my first drink. That’s the scary part for me. I started drinking heavily when I was twelve but I never remember a time when I didn’t drink. So I can’t say exactly when I went from spotty drinking to daily to problematic.”
“I drank when I was twelve too.”
“It might not mean anything. You had a pile of shit to live with and that’s what got you through. But there are warning signs and Kayla was right to spot them and sound the alarms. If you don’t see them or didn’t understand why she did it, I hope you’ll listen now.”
“What? I am. I’m listening. I don’t know. What should I do?”
“Don’t drink. Right now, if you can stop drinking, then don’t drink. Don’t push it or risk it. If you still have the self-control and the ability to stop, then stop. Don’t drink at all. You can’t be a drunk if you don’t drink. Decide to live with sobriety and surround yourself with the people who will support you in that. And then do it. If you break that promise, then you have to realize you have the potential for a huge problem and you must get help.”
“Just don’t drink?”
Rob nodded. “Just don’t drink. Can you do that?”
He shrugged. “Right now, at this moment? Sure, I can. I can make that promise. But I made the same promise with another personal thing and didn’t keep it. So I can’t…”
Rob sighed, rubbing his head. “Sex? You vowed to wait until marriage and then you didn’t.”
God, give him strength. How could he face this? Rob seemed distressed. Finally, he sighed. “You don’t have a… a kinky addiction or issues that aren’t normal about that stuff, right?”
Jim blinked and turned his head away. “No.”
“Then I would say your promise was a different type from this. Meaning, you might have ideological issues with sex but it’s not an addiction. This is not the same thing. It’s necessary. And if that doesn’t work, then you need to stick to a program. Something to guide you until you can find a way to manage it.”
“Like giving it over to God?” Jim smiled softly. “I’ve been doing that for a decade. And still, it happens.”
“You’ve incorporated it in your prayers?”
Jim shut his eyes and nodded. He never really admitted out loud the times he asked for the strength to resist feeling like he did yesterday. “Yes. I always ask God for strength and yet I still do it.”
“Then you really need to stop doing it. You have a lot of warning signs, Jim. I really hate to say it but I see them. They’re all there. Maybe you should come to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with me. We could start there. Relax with the conscious effort and come to a meeting where they might help you find a way to manage it.”
He rubbed his head again. “What if someone finds out? It’ll ruin my legitimacy as a pastor. We all know anonymous never stays that way.”
“Alcohol addiction and drugs also cross all lines of professions, class, and race; you’ll find all kinds of people there. You won’t be the only religious leader either. You could see it as a way for you to honestly set an example for others. Why make it another dirty secret? It sounds like you spent most of your life trying to hide your secrets and it’s never made you feel good. Maybe you need to just own it. It’s not a dirty secret. I’ve been out since I got famous and it’s rarely caused me any grief. You know? It makes people respect me more. The few assholes who don’t are not worth my time.”
“Can I think about all this?”
“You’ll never do it.” Rob’s tone was hollow.
“What? I admit having some concerns and doubts. It’s a lot to take in. A lot at stake.”
“Right. I know the routine. Either get angry and confrontational or placate and pretend to think about it so you can move on and when it’s too late, a month, or a week or a freaking year, when you decide to do it again, you’ll do it.”
Jim tilted back. You’ll do it. He hated those words because they rang true. Rob was brutally honest. He didn’t want to be tempted by alcohol. But he honestly knew it would happen again. And whenever the urge or impulse came, he succumbed to it. It was why the booze was hidden in his apartment. Even before Kathy, it was there. Anyone visiting his place never saw the alcohol because he kept it hidden. Deep down, Jim knew it wasn’t right.
“Yes. I will.”
“If I could convince my daughters to stay away from you, I would. The thought of either of them being with an alcoholic like I was makes my stomach twist. I know how bad it can get. I was the evil abuser. And I would do anything to spare my girls that grief. But Kayla refuses to heed my warning. That’s why I’m here. I’m begging you to take me seriously. Take the warning signs and don’t wait for the storm to devastate you. You know? Like when a new virus seems far away until it hits an area and the infection rates grow exponentially and uncontrollably? Well, if you ignore all the warning signs and refuse to take any action now
