Jim sighed. Proper protocol existed everywhere. Even here.
For the first time, however, Jim refused to let fear dictate his decision. The long years he spent trying to hide his past and his connection to a pedophile father/cult leader were over. His double life of appearing morally perfect in order to avoid tarnishing his image and reputation while secretly drinking in private was over too.
Jim chose to live under the constant threat of failure. The incessant quest to be perfect. He came across as too sanctimonious because he was. He tried too hard to keep a leash around himself and never make any mistakes. It was impossible for anyone to maintain.
If anyone saw it as a mistake, as he did at first, now Jim realized what he felt about Kayla was one of the best things that happened to him. Right up there with becoming a pastor. And taking the Zavarian name. He was finally anchoring his life to a place and a person.
Jim’s fear of losing his position and standing in the church and the surrounding community he loved was all he valued and prized in his life. He never had a family. His lukewarm friendship with Kathy, whom he once considered his future wife, never stirred up his passion like Kayla did.
Everything he worked for could go up in flames and smoke right now. He sincerely hoped not. For the first time, he was not bound and gagged to a narrow lifestyle. He could be… human. He was a human being in a role of leadership to his fellow worshipers. He was not a saint. He could no more proclaim moral dominance than anyone else there. Even if they demanded it. He tried, but failed all these years. Now? Maybe he could actually find some compliance with his flaws.
It was humbling for Jim to realize how having someone on his side who supported him completely, buffered the ill effects of the world. Jim never knew that before and thought his job and faith were everything. His faith never left him, but he deserved a healthy private life that was as real as everyone else’s in that church.
However, he realized others might not see things as starkly logical as he did.
Sighing, Jim felt a strange sense of peace and acceptance. Something was missing: fear. Acceptance of all the things he could not affect or change was liberating. Whatever will be will be. Jim preached that sermon to others for years, never realizing until now that he wasn’t living it.
There was nothing wrong about falling in love.
He walked to the front of the church and turned to the crowd. “Hello, and welcome, everyone, I happily invite all of you to worship…” and off he went. As usual, Jim’s voice rang out in the room. People rose from their seats to pray and sing and sat back down to listen to his words.
He waded through the endless handshakes, hugs, goodbyes, thank yous and undying gratitude from his parishioners that meant so much to him. Kayla managed to slip past him while he was talking to an older couple. His gaze lingered on her as she and Eric stealthily kept a low profile. Jim smiled. He compared her reaction to a few months ago. She would have been hanging on him, kissing his mouth and ready to say screw you all. That was then, not now.
They both were changing for the better and for each other.
Finishing up, Jim walked with a small crowd into the reception area, where heaps of praise and many conversations surrounded him. He was handed a generous slice of cake and a cup of hot coffee when someone else tried to engage him. “I’m afraid I’m running out of hands here.” He smiled kindly as he added, “I’d better sit down before I end up with this all over me.”
Weaving through the standing groups of people, he spotted Kathy, Eric and Kayla at a table. Taking the seat beside Kayla, Jim set the plate and coffee down. She smiled up at him and Kathy asked about the sermon. Before he answered her, he leaned over and kissed Kayla’s cheek with a direct and private smile; then he addressed Kathy.
He sipped his coffee slowly. When he turned toward Kayla, her eyes were rounded and her mouth tilted into a small frown. “People are looking at us.”
Jim took a huge bite of the gooey chocolate cake. “Why? Are my table manners that obnoxious? Oh, you should try this cake…”
“No.” Kayla hissed. “They saw you kissing me.”
“I barely brushed your cheek.”
“You still kissed me and Kathy is right there and…”
“Are you saying the cat’s out of the bag? Get ready for all kinds of stares. And lots of mumbling and muttering to themselves. The few bravest and nosiest ones will pry for some gossip so they’ll get their answers. So what?” He grinned and this time, kissed her lips. It was chaste and fast, just a little brush of his lips on hers.
“Jim, I’m serious.”
He swallowed his bite and turned to take her hand, staring right at her. “I am too. No more hiding. Or adjusting my behavior to suit other people. I did nothing wrong. I barely kissed my girlfriend hello and now I am holding her hand. Mr. and Mrs. Charcone over there are also holding hands. So it’s okay. Fine, if I do. I don’t care. Now, have you tried the cake?”
Kayla’s gaze wavered. She searched his face, especially his eyes. He gave her a crooked smile and said, “Pastor Jim has a girlfriend. It’s okay.”
Her lips puckered. “But what if…?”
“How many what ifs could there be? What if my father was a pedophile and he ran a cult? What if my past was revealed? What if Zavarian wasn’t my legal name at birth? What if I have a drinking problem? All of those stories make better gossip than me leaving Kathy for you.
