I knew Harriet would balk at the idea of me working on board the ship, but I would have agreed to anything in order to help her. “Yes, I’ll be happy to. Thank you, Dr. Carson.”
“Don’t thank me yet,” he said. He searched the drawer of his desk and handed me a tiny container. “This is a half dose. Go give it to your sister, then come right back. Bring me any of her unused vials. Your new job starts in one hour.”
Harriet was sitting at her dressing table brushing her hair when I entered our cabin. In the mirror, I could see that she had dark circles under her eyes and a yellowish tinge to her skin.
“Hari, look what I’ve brought you.” I opened my palm to reveal the vial in my hand.
She quickly came to me. She held the tiny glass cylinder up to the light of the window so she could see the amber liquid inside, then searched my face. “You found more. Where?”
“Dr. Carson. I explained your plight, and he’s willing to help. Go ahead, this is today’s dose.”
Hari didn’t hesitate. She pulled the stopper and swallowed the tincture. Her cheeks immediately flushed red, but her eyes remained flat, the whites tending towards grey. “This isn’t the same. There’s not enough.”
“It’s half your usual dose. Dr. Carson is going to help wean you off.”
“But why? I’m perfectly fine taking it. The only problem is when I run out.”
I drew her to the chairs and we sat down opposite each other. “You know that’s not true,” I said quietly. “Last night, you scared me, Harriet. I thought I might have lost you. And you… you were… I’ve never seen you so distraught.”
She looked away, clearly uncomfortable at the recollection.
“You have to try to quit, Harriet,” I continued. “The drug is dangerous. From what Dr. Carson told me, laudanum is used to manage severe short-term pain. Why did Dr. Randolph prescribe it for you in the first place?”
“It was to relax me, make me more likely to conceive. That’s what Dr. Randolph said. I was desperate.” She closed her eyes. “After three years of marriage, I had not been pregnant once, and it was all Charles would talk about. ‘My uncle won’t make me his heir and pass the title on until the line of succession has been established,’ he told me time and again.”
“Did you ever think the problem conceiving could be with Charles?” I asked. “Did he ever see a doctor?”
Harriet let out a harsh laugh. “How little you know of men. A man would never admit to that. Don’t be ridiculous.” Seeing my face, she softened. “I know you’re just trying to help. I’m sorry for being such a witch lately.”
“I know you don’t mean it.” I remembered something Wiggles said to me a long time ago when my father was caught up in the fever of his latest project and I had complained of his dismissive behaviour. “Sometimes we take our frustrations out on those we love the most,” I told Hari now. “They’re the only ones we can truly trust.”
“It’s always been me giving you advice. When did you get to be so wise?”
“If you think me wise, then listen to me now. You need to take this opportunity. You don’t want to permanently ruin your health, do you?”
Harriet frowned, studying the floor. “You’re right. I can see what it’s doing to my physical condition, but when I’m on it I haven’t a care in the world. When it wears off I feel anxious for more. It’s as if it is a living thing inside me that’s taken over my body and my will. How can I possibly mange without it?”
“Dr. Carson and I will help you manage your doses so the panic isn’t unbearable. Don’t worry. The first thing we need to do is give the last of your supply to Dr. Carson.”
Harriet stiffened. “No! You can’t leave me with none. What if I can’t do this? I need some of the drug just in case.” She had the eyes of a cornered animal.
“You can do it, Hari. I will help you every step of the way. Trust me. Now, where are the other vials?”
“They’re in my chest, in the velvet purse,” she said finally.
I went over to her trunk and found six vials, just as she said, and when I turned back, she was watching me, or rather watching the vials.
“It will be okay, Harriet. I promise.”
“How much will this cost?” she asked.
“He doesn’t want any money.” I filled Hari in on the bargain I had struck with the doctor.
“You can’t be serious—traipsing after him on the lower decks. A woman of your breeding should never step into the crew’s quarters. It would be a disaster if Lady Persephone heard of it, especially after the weak impression you made at the captain’s dinner. No, go back and tell the doctor I won’t allow this. We will buy the medicine from him and that’s that. I have sufficient funds.”
As if to prove it, she slowly rose and went to her dresser, where she pulled out several coins.
“He won’t take the money, Harriet.”
“Of course he will. Everyone wants money. I won’t be a charity case.”
She thrust the money into my hand. As I fingered the coins, an idea came to me. “Fine, I’ll do as you ask. But first, I’m going to change into my walking outfit and take a tour of all three decks. I need the fresh air after being sick last night.”
Harriet nodded her assent, then returned to her bed. “I’m afraid I can’t join you. I don’t want Lady Persephone to see me like this.”
I lifted a blanket over her. “I’ll return a little later with something for you to eat. Rest for now.”
She finally closed her eyes, and I stayed for a few minutes watching the slow, rhythmic rise and fall of her chest, comforted in the knowledge that her
