“I’m sorry to tell you this. Truly I am, but he’s not the man you think he is.” Hari’s hand reached for mine. It was as cold as ice. “He has a fiancée waiting for him back in England. The banns haven’t been read in church yet, but there’s some sort of understanding between him and a young woman named Agnes.”
For a moment, I couldn’t breathe, as if the wind had been knocked out of me. I gripped the edge of the bed to steady myself. So he had not been sincere, I realized. He had a fiancée. I was a dalliance, someone to while away the time with on a long, boring voyage. How could I have been so trusting? Would I never learn?
“Charlotte?”
“I’m fine,” I said, swallowing the lump that had come to my throat. “I’m angry at myself. You tried to caution me that we didn’t really know him. I wouldn’t listen.”
“I am sor—” She was cut off by a coughing fit.
I got another damp cloth for her to suck on and the bit of moisture in her mouth eased her parched throat. When her cough settled down, she began to speak. She had things she needed to tell me, about money, she said, but my mind had shut down with the knowledge of Agnes’s existence. She was probably the daughter of someone wealthy, someone connected. How could I think John would be interested in me, a poor woman from a disgraced family?
“Char,” she said, bringing me back. I roused myself from my daze. Hari seemed to have gone limp, her face turning the colour of alabaster. I ran the cloth over her forehead and cheeks, trying to bring a healthy tint back to them.
Her hand went to her bosom. “My chest feels so tight, and there’s pain.”
I studied her face. There was swelling around her eyes and throat. “I’ll fetch Dr. Carson.”
“No! Stay with me. I don’t want to be alone. I feel so tired. I just need to sleep.”
“Just for a little while,” I said, relenting. I tried to make her more comfortable by smoothing the sheet over her and tucking it in, then I lowered the lantern light and stroked her forehead, urging her to sleep, and she finally drifted off for a couple of hours.
“Char, are you there?” She woke with a start. Her eyes looked feverish, but her hand was cold when it sought mine.
I leaned over her so she could see me. “I’m right here. I won’t leave you.” The swelling I had noticed earlier was worse, and now her colour had a distinct green tinge to it. “Should I fetch Dr. Carson now?”
She ignored the question. “Do you remember the day Papa came home with our jewellery boxes? Birthday presents for each of us. We were over the moon with excitement. Remember?”
I smiled, my eyes growing moist at the memory. “How could I forget? You let me choose mine first. I loved the red one.”
“And we played such games with them, pretending we were fine ladies dressing in our jewels for the ball.”
“Do you recall the play jewellery we made out of string and beads? Yours were always the best.”
She smiled weakly. “Always keep my box safe, Char. Keep it for me.”
“Of course,” I said, wiping her forehead once more. “I promise to look after it until you’re better, then you can care for it yourself.”
Hari dropped off again, and then her breathing changed. Her chest rose and fell with long slow inhales followed by short puffy exhales. I tried to rouse her to take more fluids, but I couldn’t wake her. I needed Dr. Carson. I ran to get him, and he came immediately, but by the time we got back to the cabin, Harriet’s breathing had slowed even more. After a quick check, Dr. Carson looked at me and shook his head. My heart dropped to my stomach like a stone. My sister was dying.
I went to her and held her in my arms. “I love you, Hari,” I whispered. “You’ve always been there for me, caring for me, looking out for me. More of a mother than a sister. I’m so sorry for the pain I caused you.”
Her eyelids flickered open for a moment. There was one last breath and then no more. I sat with her a long time, holding her head against my chest and weeping as I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.
Chapter Twenty-nine
What happened next was a blur. I know that John appeared and enveloped me in his arms. I couldn’t stop myself. I buried myself in his massive chest, letting his presence comfort me while Dr. Carson administered to Harriet’s body.
When my sobs had finally ceased, I realised that I had to focus if I was going to get through the next few hours and give Hari a proper burial at sea. I pulled back from John.
“I need you to say a few words,” I stammered. “I don’t want Reverend Burk to do it. I want this to be dignified.”
“Of course, but is that all?” He searched my face. “I can be of more support for you if you’ll only let me.”
I didn’t know how to respond. Harriet’s final words still echoed in my head, so I said nothing, and he left me. As soon as he was gone, I turned to face the cabin. Harriet’s presence was everywhere. Her clothes, her shoes, and even her hairbrushes. I couldn’t stand to see her things scattered about. Fighting fresh tears, I hurried through into my room and quickly changed into a sombre gown and found my hat and gloves.
I made my way through first class and then to the lower stern deck, accepting the sympathetic nods of the passengers I met along the way. Captain Hellyer. Dr. Carson. Sir Richard stepped forward and patted my arm as I passed, but there was no sign of
