"Was there a phone number for him?"
"Just a walkie-talkie."
I blew on my hand to help dry out the lotion. "Where are the walkie-talkies?"
"I haven't looked for them. I didn't think we'd need them," Kelly said.
"Hey." I looked around. "Where are the girls?"
Outside, the girls were dousing the machete with lighter fluid. Betty had just struck a match when I shouted, "No!"
Inez asked, "What?"
Kelly caught up. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Sterilizing the blade," Ava said.
"It's how you do a needle before you fish out a splinter," Lauren said.
"Eeeeuuuuwwww!" the other girls squealed.
I grabbed the handle of the machete and took it to the water pump. After I completely soaked it, Kelly came out with some wet wipes and finished off any chance the oil had of staying on the blade.
"Oh, come on," Betty complained. "I was going to try out a new trick. The Blazing Blade of Death!"
"Behtee Machetee!" the girls started cheering in unison.
"Since you won't use our camp names," Betty Machete explained, "I'm going with that one."
"What happened to Badger Tooth," I wondered.
"When we didn't see her or the three dudes, we decided it was just a story. But Betty Machete is real."
Kelly sat the girls down with a lecture on sharpened implements in the hands of fourth graders. I took the weapon inside and placed it on top of the upper cabinets. The girls shouldn't find it there, unless they formed a human bridge or something. Hopefully Betty couldn't poof seven feet in the air.
"Alright, ladies, time to get your suits on!" Kelly announced.
"Mud pit! Mud pit! Mud pit!" the girls began chanting as they went inside.
"Mud pit!" the girls continued to scream in unison as we stood on the edge of a huge hole in the ground.
Lauren gasped with glee, "It looks like a grave!"
"Do you think it was one of those burial mounds?" Kaitlyn asked.
Lauren nodded sagely. "An armadillo by the looks of it."
"Or," I said as I tugged on the edges of my swimsuit, "it's just a hole full of dirt."
Kelly arrived with the hose and aimed it right at the pit. The girls lined up behind a six-foot-high berm that was mostly made of mud. The general idea was to slide down the muddy side, landing in the pit.
"I've changed my mind," I said.
"The mud will be good for you." Kelly shook her head.
Within minutes, everything was soaked, and five little girls were slapping mud all over each other. It didn't take long before they looked like mud golems with large eyes.
"I can hold the hose," I offered.
"Not a chance," Kelly shut me down. "Now get in there and let the girls cover you in mud."
"You have to use the slide!" Ava shouted. At least, I thought it was Ava.
Or was it Kaitlyn? It was hard to tell because the girls were already coated head to toe in a thick layer of mud. How did they do that so quickly?
I climbed to the top of the berm and sat down. Mud squished around my thighs as Kelly took a picture of me. Great.
"I'm sending it to Rex!" she shouted.
I slid down the mudslide, landing on my rear end at the bottom of the pit. Five little girls loomed over me. I didn't stand a chance. Every time I managed to get to my feet, they slipped out from under me again. The girls seemed to have the magical ability to stay upright in the mud. Every time I came up, they slapped more mud on me.
After a few minutes, out of breath, I clambered out of the pit. The girls seemed disappointed that their toy wasn't playing anymore. It didn't take long for them to turn on each other, although I did notice they went easier on each other than they had on me.
Kelly was doubled over with laughter. Every time she tried to speak, she burst out laughing. I stood there, dripping mud, wondering if it would ever come off, while she took more pictures.
"Priceless! Just priceless!" She slowly began to regain her composure.
I was busy scraping the thickest layer off of my body. "I'm happy to help out."
Kelly turned the hose on me, full blast. The ice water made me yelp, and I ran over to the outdoor shower heads, turned them on, and scrubbed. Eventually, slightly less muddy, I joined her back at the pit.
"Hey, there are only four in there," I said.
Kelly looked around. "Betty's gone."
A poof of gray smoke went off, and Betty appeared, fully cleaned up, between us.
"Stop doing that!" I insisted.
"Where did you hide smoke bombs?" Kelly studied the girl's suit.
"I don't want to break the magical code of silence," Betty said before running to the top of the berm and sliding back down into the mud.
I shrugged. "Seems fair."
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
"Ahhhhh," I moaned as I slid into the soapy goodness in Aunt June's claw foot bathtub.
I'd gotten all of the mud off at the camp but still felt dirty. Sneaking away for a hot bath seemed just the ticket. And with Kelly and the girls making lunch and doing a craft at camp, there wouldn't be any distractions.
This was the best decision I'd ever had in my entire life. Maybe I could take the tub back home with me. Why not? It was mine.
So was the house and everything in it. The bathroom on the second floor had a window that looked out over the backyard and the Mississippi River. Sitting in warm, soapy water and staring at the river going by was insanely relaxing.
I should keep the house.
Wait, what? I didn't need three houses. I already had two. What would I use this for? Retreats? Huh. That wasn't a terrible idea. I guess I could rent it out. I imagined an artist or writer spending hours outside, staring at the sights of the bluffs and river.
That was a lot of work. It wasn't worth
