“No.” She couldn’t let him think that. “He would never hit me.”
Not in any way that wasn’t incredibly pleasurable. But they weren’t having that conversation now.
“I did not hit your mother, but words can hurt, too,” Beck replied. “I said things to your mom that I shouldn’t have. If it had just been the one time, maybe she would have asked me to apologize, but I was mean to her for a long time. Did you know that your mom and I were married once?”
Roman’s eyes widened. “No.” He turned her way, some accusation in his gaze. “You didn’t tell me you were married.”
“We’re not now,” Beck said. “We’re not married because I broke our vows. I promised to love her no matter what, and then something bad happened, something that hurt me, and I wasn’t willing to love her then. Sometimes we have bad feelings inside us, and we don’t know where to put them. Often we shove those feelings at people we care about because it feels like the safest thing to do. Sometimes we don’t care where those feelings go. We lash out because we don’t trust that we deserve the love we’re given. I hurt your mom, and I’m sure she worried I would hurt you, too. Do you know what therapy is?”
She was not going to fucking cry. He’d gone to therapy? She’d asked him to go with her, to try to save their marriage, but he wouldn’t. Not that it would have worked. She’d been lying to him about the very thing he’d been angry about. “I’m not without fault here.”
Beck glanced up at her. “I think we should concentrate on the simple parts of what went wrong. Roman needs to understand that I screwed up and said something I shouldn’t have, and then we were separated for a long time.”
She thought she understood what he was trying to do. He was giving her cover with their son and trying to make this simple for Roman. She was deeply grateful because her son was getting hit with a lot. “Your father didn’t know about you until today. I haven’t talked to him since before you were born. The last time I saw your dad I didn’t even know I was pregnant.”
“Wow. That must be weird for you,” Roman said with a shake of his head. “I mean, I knew I had a dad somewhere, but you didn’t even know I existed. Do you need wine? When Mom is surprised at stuff, she usually drinks wine.”
A brilliant smile came over Beck’s face and he laughed, a sound she loved and hadn’t heard in forever. “I think I’ll skip the wine tonight. I’m on guard duty now. And it’s not as weird as you would think. It feels…right. But we’re going to take this whole dad thing at your pace. If you don’t feel good about calling me Dad, you can call me Beck.”
Roman turned her way as though asking her for permission.
“It’s up to you,” she replied, stroking over his silky hair. “It wouldn’t bother me at all if you called him Dad.”
Roman turned back to Beck as though considering the problem. “Someone’s after my mom. Are you going to help us? You said you were mean to her. Are you going to be mean to her again?”
“I promise that I have spent the last seven years learning how to not be mean to her ever again.” There was a suspicious sheen to Beck’s eyes. “I promise that I will do my best to be nice to her. And I promise you that I will protect you and your mom. I’ve spent the last several years working for a firm that specializes in protecting people. I’m good at it. Protecting you and your mom will be the most important job I ever do.”
Roman’s eyes narrowed. “Were you trying to kiss my mom?”
She felt a flush go through her system. “He was only hugging me. Like I said. We haven’t seen each other in a long time.”
“No, I was totally going to kiss your mom,” Beck countered. “Your mom is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I was a fool to push her away. Don’t tell her this, but I came back because I want another chance with her.”
“She probably heard that,” Roman pointed out.
Beck shrugged. “Sometimes it’s easier to say things when we’re not directly saying them.”
Roman turned his little head up. “Mom, I think Dad likes you.”
Before she could say anything to that, Beck got to his feet. “He’s a smart kid. You hungry, son?” When Roman nodded, Beck put a hand on his shoulder. “All right. I’m going to introduce you to the joys of MREs, and by joys I mean they are not awesome but they will fill your belly. I hope I’ve got some mac and cheese. Otherwise, it’s all goulash. I promise when we get someplace safe, I’ll make you my famous barbecue.”
Roman’s mouth curved down. He wasn’t big on trying new food. “What’s barbecue?”
Beck put a hand over his heart and tossed a horrified glance her way. “What have you done to him?”
She was so confused. “We don’t have a lot of barbecue on Malta.”
“Also, what’s mac and cheese?” Roman asked.
“Jeez, Kim, what do you feed the kid?” Beck asked.
“Healthy things,” she replied.
Beck shook his head. “That stops here.” He winked her way. “Come on. Let’s feed you and get you back in bed. We’ve got a big day tomorrow.”
Father and son were chatting happily as Beck looked through his pack and found the MREs.
She sat back and wondered what he was doing. Because he hadn’t come back for a second chance with her. He’d had a second chance, and she couldn’t risk giving him a third.
No matter how much she wanted to.
* * * *
Beck stared at the tiny couch where Kim was asleep, her arms wrapped around their son. Roman had eaten his beef goulash with minimal wincing, and luckily Beck always kept
