Yo, girl, lemme play u my favorite song.
[Gregorian chant]
Bella looks up vampires on the internet and finds out that they’re called “THE COLD ONES,” which freaks her out, so now she’s scared of Edward and hurts his feelings at school on purpose. Who’s the cold one now????
He follows her into the woods, and she confronts him with her suspicions: “You’re impossibly fast and strong, your skin is pale white and ice cold, your eyes change color, and sometimes you speak like you’re from a different time. You never eat or drink anything, you don’t go out in the sunlight. How old are you?”
If I had a dollar for every time I had this exact fight with my exes!!!!!!!!!!!
Edward tosses Bella on his back and runs up an entire mountain in fast-motion, which is funnier than any intentional comedy I’ve ever seen. (Also me when they restock the toilet paper at Walgreens, right???)
Up above the clouds of Forks, Bella learns that vampire skin sparkles in the sunlight, a detail that would go on to sell many thousands of dollars in glittery dildos!
Bella: It’s like diamonds. You’re beautiful.
Edward: Beautiful? This is the skin of a killer, Bella.
And this is the peacoat of a killer.
I’m wearing a killer’s socks.
This is the hair gel of a killer.
Edward: I am the world’s most dangerous predator. I am designed to kill.
Bella: I don’t care.
Edward: I’ve killed people before.
Bella: It does not matter.
Edward: I wanted to kill you. I’ve never wanted a human’s blood so much in my life.
Bella: I trust you.
Edward: Don’t.
Bella: I’m here. I trust you.
B E L L A.
G I R L.
Y I K E S.
Edward: Your scent, it’s like a drug to me. You’re like my own personal brand of heroin. I call it Pale Eddie’s Heroin.
Bella: I’m not afraid of you. I’m only afraid of losing you. I feel like you’re going to disappear.
Edward: You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you.
Then they’re about to kiss, maybe, but the camera pans up to the sky all kooky because I guess the cameraman found his own personal brand of heroin. Bella and Edward lie down on the grass and stare at each other, which is how you can tell this movie wasn’t written by someone from the Pacific Northwest—there are only three days a year here when the grass isn’t wet. Enjoy your soggy asses!
I do need to pause and say that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson perform the frick out of these goofy-ass roles, and you know what? I love them both. I do! I think they are good! Sue me! Take me to Taste Court!
Edward tells Bella that Dr. Cullen turned him into a vampire in 1918 while he was dying of Spanish influenza (PLEASE no one let Donald Trump watch Twilight), and that the Cullens “think of ourselves as vegetarians.” He invites Bella over to meet his whole family, and she’s like, “But what if they don’t like me!?” Dude, they go to your school! And one of them’s your doctor!!!!
Bella shows up, and Edward’s mom is like, “Bella, we’re making Italiano for you!” like a FULL ALIEN. “We’re using this as an excuse to use the kitchen for the first time!” Then Edward plays the piano for Bella while she looks ill. Man, that’s the best song you learned in one hundred years?
Meanwhile, Bella’s dad is investigating the “animal” that killed the guy at the mill and another guy. He finds a footprint and it’s…HUMAN!?!?
Bella’s mom wants her to come to Jacksonville, but Bella refuses because she’s fallen in love. Bella’s mom is PUMPED: “What is he? Jock? Indie? Is he smart? I bet he’s smart.” Well…he’s 107 and he watches me sleep.
They finally kiss but then Edward is like NO, NO, WE MUSTN’T, MY BONER IS 2 POWERFUL (this is also a real story line), so then they just have to TALK ALL NIGHT! And he learns about snuggling! Now THAT’S what I call a movie made for women by women!
The idea that a man born in 1901 wouldn’t have any fucked-up gender role shit or extreme racism going on is iffy. Wait, what am I saying, he does have fucked-up gender role shit. He is a human fucked-up gender role! I’ll make a call on the racism when I see him interact with ANY BLACK PERSON EVER.
Bella’s mom was actually right about one thing, though—Edward is kind of a jock. It’s raining, so he picks Bella up at her house because his whole family is going to play vampire baseball! And you just know it’s gonna be dumb!
You might want to lie down for this, in a grave, and never get up again: the Cullens can only play baseball when there’s a thunderstorm going on because they hit the ball so loud. I can’t. How loud could you…you know what? I’m not doing this one.
Anyway, Bella doesn’t even get to play. She has to be the umpire. In the rain! And they throw, hit, and run too fast for a human to see! Wow, fun!
In the middle of their baseball game, some other vampires show up. (Of all the weird shit Stephanie Meyer wrote in this series, “all vampires love baseball” is absolutely the weirdest. Did you know a vampire can smell one drop of baseball in a million gallons of old growth forest?) Oh shit, it’s the bad vampires who have been munching the townspeople this whole time! Everything seems like it’s going to be cool, but then one of the bad vampires, James (Cam Gigandet, who you might remember from The O.C. but I prefer to remember from the Lifetime Original Movie NANNY CAM), sniffs Bella and is like, “Ooooooh, oh boy, Daddy’s num nums, don’t mind if I dooooooo!”
They manage to get Bella away from James, but Edward offers this extremely convoluted justification for the whole rest of the movie: “James is a tracker…I read it in his mind. I just made this the most exciting game ever.” Since James is
