The Cullens are like, “She’s part of this family now, and we protect our family” (they’ve been on ONE DATE), and they help Bella make a plan. In order to keep her dad safe, she has to tell him she hates Forks and she hates him and he’s fucking pathetic and she’s moving to Florida to be with mom. It’s honestly way harsher than it needed to be! Just tell him you’re going on a vacation, dude! Then she drives to Phoenix because she believes James has taken her mom hostage in her old ballet studio, but, duh, it’s a trap!
James takes Bella prisoner and decides to make a video of himself eating her to make Edward mad. But Bella pepper sprays James right in his low-rise jeans! And Edward shows up! And the two hot vampires fight over her—EVERY WOMAN’S BIG DREAM.
James is stronger because he eats the human meat, and he manages to bite Bella, but then all the Cullens show up and they rip James into small pieces and set him on fire. Then Edward has to suck James’s vampire venom out of Bella’s body without greedily sucking all her blood out and making her a vampire, but it’s a big job, so Peter Facinelli comes to help too. Love 2 suck venom erotically from my girlfriend side by side with my dad! Anyway, Bella is fine.
Edward tries to tell Bella that she needs to move to Jacksonville “so I’ll stop hurting you,” and she says, “WE CAN’T BE APART! YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME!” So instead of setting some boundaries in their wildly codependent relationship, Edward takes her to the prom: “Prom’s an important rite of passage.”
This is his eighty-ninth prom.
RATING: 5/10 DVDs of The Fugitive.
Speed 2 Is Not Canon
We open in the basement of an office building. Some big dork is down there, a security guard or something, wandering around like he’s going to survive this opening scene. Yeah, right! Dennis Hopper is there too! If you ever find Dennis Hopper in your basement, DO NOT APPROACH HIM. Dennis Hopper is extremely territorial. This Einstein doesn’t know anything about Dennis Hopper Safety, though, and he interrupts Dennis Hopper right when he’s trying to do terrorism, so Dennis Hopper murders him. You know, it’s always a tragedy when Dennis Hopper murders some reckless, irresponsible basement security guard, and then Dennis Hopper Control puts Dennis Hopper down, when he was just out there in Dennis Hopper’s habitat doing what Dennis Hopper does. I mean, what did you expect? Truly, we are the virus.
Upstairs, a bunch of business boys get into an elevator. (Somebody coughs in the elevator, and I have an anxiety attack. Loved watching this during the cataclysmic global plague!)
Dennis Hopper sabotages the elevator and all the business boys are trapped in there. Time to call Keanu Reeves and Jeff Daniels: ELEVATOR COPS!
Jeff Daniels drives dangerously to the business boy tower—what traffic laws? There’s elevator crime, and it’s going down1—where Miles Dyson from Terminator 2 is waiting in the lobby to fill them in on the scoop (guess he survived extremely blowing up at Cyberdyne HQ! Kudos!). There are like one hundred cops just standing around doing nothing because for some reason only Jeff and Keanu can handle this one. They have to climb thirty-two motherfucking flights of stairs, which I suppose would become the sole qualifying criteria to be an elevator cop. Can you climb thirty-two motherfucking flights of stairs? In less than an entire day? Congrats, you’re an elevator cop! (This is why most elevator cops are rascally old alley cats.)
They locate the trapped elevator and call out to the hostages. Some guy inside is like, “What are you doing up there?” FUCKING SAVING YOU, MARK.
While they’re working, Jeff Daniels gives Keanu a pop quiz (it’s a cute little thing they do):
Jeff Daniels: Airport, gunman with one hostage. He’s using her for cover; he’s almost to a plane. You’re a hundred feet away.
Keanu: Shoot the hostage. Take them out of the equation.
It was around the Speed era, I think, when people used to constantly make fun of Keanu Reeves for being a “bad actor.” Are you kidding me with that? I love Keanu Reeves! I love him. He is a really good actor, you fucks. Did you ever think that maybe you’re a bad actor??
I do think, though, that there is something unnatural about Keanu’s vibe in Speed, probably because his character is supposed to be a kind of hard-edged utilitarian robocop and Keanu can’t help being a freaking lamb to his core!!!!! Keanu would never “shoot the hostage,” unless the “hostage” was a Hog-piece-of-shit-republican-governor Opening States Too-soon Against-COVID-19 Guidelines-in-order-to Exterminate-the-poor! Sorry, can you guess what month it is when I’m typing this?????2
Keanu smells that something taint right, and he needs to make sure that this elevator car is safe as hell. He goes up on the roof and finds exactly what he was looking for—a crane with a rope on it! That might seem like a convenient coincidence, but if you put good out into the world, good is what you get back. Keanu can have whatever he wants. He dives down into the elevator shaft and hooks the crane rope to the car, just in case.
Just in case is right! Right then, Dennis Hopper literally yells, “DON’T FUCK WITH DADDY!” and detonates a bomb that sends the elevator box hurtling toward the ground where it will surely smoosh all the lil finance sausages in there. But Dennis doesn’t know about Keanu’s secret crane rope! The crane is like crooooooooooaaaaaak, but it hangs in there just long enough.
Keanu and Jeff run down to the floor closest to the elevator, pry open the wall, and start pulling people out one by one, making sure to show the female passengers’ entire pantied asses. (Wait. That was an option? How come no one else was doing that while K&J: Elevator
