Stifler’s prom date cancels on him because she thinks Finch might ask her instead and let her touch his tattooed XL johnson, so for revenge Stifler slips “a little something in his mochaccino.” It’s poop juice! Finch is gonna shit like crazy!!!!!
Stifler steers Finch into the girls’ bathroom, and he’s just about to release his bowels when a bunch of girls come in giggling about how Finch is a bad boy that they just HAVE to lick. Oh no! This is his demo! They won’t want to munch his boy meat anymore once they learn that he is an organism that metabolizes food into energy and waste! Unfortunately, he cannot hold it in anymore and diarrhea just starts rocketing out of his asshole while he screams and screams. The girls shriek and run out of the bathroom, and then when Finch comes out, the whole school is gathered to laugh at him. Now he will never have sex! Girls only fuck guys who hold all their shit inside!
Klein’s heart is just not in the lacrosse game, so he bails and gets to the vocal jazz competition just in time. Mena Suvari can’t believe her eyes!
“You’re missing the game for us?”
“No, I’m missing the game for you.”
(The first one would have been better, but okay.)
Then the choir director gives Chris Klein his solo back, which is absolutely not fair to Albert,4 who’s been working really hard on this solo and actually showed up.
FINALLY, IT’S PROM NIGHT. There’s a prom.
They go to Stifler’s lake house for the after-party. Mena Suvari and Chris Klein sensually undress each other in a gazebo. Michelle loves Biggs’s nasty story about Stifler drinking the jizz, and he starts to wonder if she is in fact nasty. Kevin(?) asks Tara Reid if she wants to do the missionary position, and she says only if he says, “I love you,” so he does, and so they do. Finch is feeling nihilistic so he goes through a door that says “Please Keep Out,” and finds Stifler’s mom in there, bein’ horny.
Stifler’s Mom: I’ve got some scotch?
Finch: Single malt?
Stifler’s Mom: Aged eighteen years, the way I like it.
Out of nowhere, Michelle is like, “Oh, and this one time at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy,” and then, “Are we gonna screw soon? Because I’m getting kinda antsy.” It turns out, Michelle is the horniest and nastiest girl of them all! She tells Biggs to wear two condoms so he doesn’t jizz too early (don’t tell kids to wear two condoms!) because it turns out she DID see the webcam video after all, but she LIKED IT.
While they’re having sex, she starts screaming in Biggs’s face: “What’s my name? SAY MY NAME, BITCH!” This would be my ringtone if those existed anymore.
After all that, Tara Reid dumps Kevin(?) because she doesn’t want a long-distance boyfriend in college. Kevin says he wasn’t lying when he said, “I love you,” during missionary, and she’s like, “I know.” OH MY GOD, WHO CARES ABOUT THIS?
Biggs wakes up and Michelle is gone because she is a free, libidinous woman who takes what she wants.
Stifler catches Finch fucking his mom and dies.
Biggs goes home and strips on the webcam for Nadia, who is not mad AT ALL about him broadcasting her tits to the entire school and getting her kicked out of her exchange program. She knows it was all worth it because there is nothing on earth, LITERALLY NOTHING, more important than some mediocre boner.
RATING: 1/10 DVDs of The Fugitive.
Footnotes
1 I confess it! I also like Chris Klein!
2 Hey, when will “mochaccino” die as a joke? Like, I get it, your high school shop teacher needs a way to be vaguely homophobic on Facebook, and drinking anything but the shittiest black coffee in existence is extremely homosexual and Marxist, but for FUCK’S SAKE, coffee snobs are not ordering “half-caf extra-hot no foam triple-pump rooty tooty fresh ’n’ fruity crème brûlée for a day fudgy white extra whip coconut mochaccinos” at Starbucks!!! Are you nuts? I actually live in an effete liberal urban center, and we dicks are drinking single-origin pourover from coffee shops that don’t even believe in milk. If you want a really good “mochaccino,” you gotta go outside the city limits to Red State Real America because they’re using heavy whipping cream, they’re giving you 128 ounces of it, and they’re sticking Almond Joys and Oreos and whole cherry pies and other smaller mochaccinos on top, hail Satan. “Mochaccino” is a self-own, please stop.
3 Kinda seems like Shannon Elizabeth was ALSO sent back to the Czech Republic just for playing this role! Has anyone seen her?????
4 Eric Lively, brother of Blake Lively and, more important, ROBIN LIVELY.
Acknowledgments
My dear Ahamefule watched every single one of these movies with me, even when he was stressed, even when he would rather be watching Naked and Afraid, even the ones he knew he would hate. Some of the best jokes in the book are his, but I will never say which ones. I love you, Aham. None of my books would exist without my literary agent Gary Morris, who has been encouraging and advising me for over 10 years now, who waited SO LONG for me to write Shrill, and who I don’t think I’ve ever properly thanked. Thank you, Gary! I’d be lost without you! Thanks to my family, especially my mom, Ingrid, who always knows what to do. Thanks to Hachette, as always, particularly Krishan Trotman, Michelle Aielli, and Mary Ann Naples. Thanks to Mauro DiPreta for buying this book in the first place. Thanks to Rafil Kroll-Zaidi for reading it and telling me it was funny (and which parts were not funny)! And thanks to the movies for being goofy as hell! I love you so much! And NO THANKS AT ALL FOR DEVLIN-MACGREGOR. BYE.
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