Of course, Eugene Levy comes in and finds his only child inseminating a pastry, moaning and twitching and stuff. This is a horror movie. In some weird gesture of male solidarity, Levy’s like, “Well, we’ll just tell your mother that we ate it all.” But, I’m sorry, as a married couple, your first allegiance is to each other. If my husband came home and our son was fucking a pie that I made and he didn’t IMMEDIATELY TELL ME so we could laugh and vomit and call 911 together, divoooooorce!
Mena Suvari asks Chris Klein to prom, but then she sees Stifler doing a sex motion and high-fiving Klein on the lacrosse field, so then she UN-asks him to prom. “I saw you making fun of me with your lacrosse buddies. You are just a jock. No, wait, you’re a jerk.” Nice one.
Kevin(?) gives Tara Reid an orgasm using “the infamous TONGUE TORNADO,” which he learned about in the secret sex bible. (Another entry says, “Know your enemy,” with a picture of a vibrator. Very cool for women!)
Eugene Levy tries to have a postmortem talk with Biggs about the pie incident: “I want to talk about masturbation.”
The purpose of this conversation, Levy explains, is that he wants to make sure that Biggs wants a sex partner and isn’t just content with masturbation for the rest of his life. Is that a real problem? Teenage boys not wanting to fuck enough? Anyway, who cares, it brought us this dialogue:
“I did a fair bit of masturbating when I was younger. I used to call it stroking the salami. You know your uncle Mort? He pets the one-eyed snake five, six times a day.” SAVE IT FOR THE PODCAST, EUGENE.
Back at school, the rumors about Finch are getting sexier than ever. “He’s the guy with the tattoo, right? You know, the eagle and the blazing fire, and all that stuff? Well, if you see him later, will you tell him Courtney says hi?”
Nadia, the exchange student Biggs is darkly obsessed with, asks him if he will help her study. “I have ballet practice; perhaps I could come to your house afterwards, I could change clothes at your place?” A woman changing clothes in the same building as you while you don’t watch? In some cultures (orc, badger, Mar-a-Lago) that makes her your wife! Might as well do whatever the fuck you want to her!
“There’s gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house and you’re not going to do anything about that?”
“What am I gonna do, broadcast it over the internet?”
“Yeah!”
“You can do that?”
NO, YOU CAN’T!!!! YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN’T!
This is one of the most fucked-up things to happen in any movie. It is so so so so so so so so so so so fucked up. Porky’s is bad, but at least peeping through a hole is purely analog sexual exploitation. Jason Motherfucking Biggs nonconsensually livestreams Nadia’s naked body to everyone he knows, AND he “addressed the e-mail wrong” so it went out to “every mailbox in the East High directory” INCLUDING BLINK-182 AND A MONKEY.
THE NAME FOR THIS IS CRIME.
Biggs sets up his webcam, and Nadia comes over. Biggs shows Nadia to his bedroom so she can change. Nadia takes off her clothes. She does a little dance. Then she starts going through Biggs’s stuff. She finds his sex magazines. She lies down on his bed to read the sex magazines. She starts masturbating on his bed to the sex magazines! WHO WOULD DO THIS IN SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE!? It’s almost as though this character is not remotely a person!
The guys urge Biggs to go back in there and “seduce her.”
“If you ever had a chance with Nadia, this is it.”
“Go over there and ask her if she needs an extra hand.”
He barges into the room and instead of, I don’t know, screaming and crying and apologizing for nudely masturbating in the bedroom of an acquaintance??? What would be a normal response to this absolutely alien situation that has literally never happened without the presence of methamphetamine? Instead of anything like that, Nadia is just naughtily titillated and tells Biggs, “You have seen me, now it’s my turn to see you,” and makes him do a striptease. Yeah, okay. “More, more, you bad boy!” YEAH, OKAY.
Then Biggs jizzes in his pants and the monkey cannot believe it. Blink-182 cannot believe it. Nadia cannot believe it the most. She thought she was going to get some of that lil 9-volt coppertop! Biggs begs for a second chance (reminder: everyone he has ever known is watching this and masturbating) and Nadia is like, “Well, I do like your dirty magazines.” Then she says the word shaved, so he jizzes in his pants again.
THEN NADIA GETS SENT BACK TO THE CZECH REPUBLIC BECAUSE HER HOST FAMILY WATCHED HER NONCONSENSUAL WEBCAM PORNO AND WOMEN MUST ALWAYS BE PUNISHED FOR THEIR OWN EXPLOITATION.3
Biggs is moping around because the whole community, including Mark Hoppus, saw his Mark Hoppus (and let’s just say it wasn’t a Tom DeLonge), when he stumbles upon the one person in school who seems unaware of his no-hands jizz video. It’s Michelle, a flute geek who everyone hates because she is always talking about things that happened at band camp. It’s annoying when people have interests and feel joy! Biggs asks her to the prom.
Mena Suvari visits Chris Klein at his job, and she discovers that not only is he a jazz god, he’s also a working-class hot dog boy. But then Klein realizes that he has a big lacrosse game on the same night as the vocal jazz state championships! An angel torn between two worlds! Suvari
