I forgot that American Pie popularized the term MILF, and that they made John Cho do it, which is a microaggression. Also, later, Stifler calls the guys cucks! Did American Pie really mainstream both MILF and cuck? Can you put a movie in jail?
The guys wake up, hungover, in Stifler’s living room the next morning and ratify the terms of their four-boy sex pact (god, straight guys are SO GAY):
“Here’s the deal. We all get laid before we graduate.”
“Together, we are the masters of our sexual destiny.”
“This is our very manhood at stake.”
“No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! We will fight for every man out there who isn’t getting laid and should be!”
“We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!”
“Prom is our last chance.”
“All the parties afterwards? Chicks are gonna want to do it!”
That’s the vibe that killed us all, by the way! Buncha white boys sitting around like, “We will fight for every man out there who isn’t getting laid and should be!” Oops, that’s it for the species. Not to get all “postmodern feminist thought” major on you, but the idea that straight white men “deserve” some degree of unfettered access to other people’s bodies and if they don’t get it, they are being robbed of something that intrinsically belongs to them is white supremacist patriarchal capitalist imperialism, dog! People have inherent value regardless of their usefulness to you, sorry! Being able to squeeze as much pleasure or profit as you want out of somebody else’s life or body or labor (or out of any weaker party, any nation, any system, any natural resource), regardless of their security or consent, is not a right, sorry! My bad, but kill every billionaire, metaphorically, I swear! Sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Alas, the horny-boy sex quest continues. They buy SO MANY CONDOMS. Biggs makes an online dating profile, gets no hits. Klein wonders, “How the hell am I supposed to become this Mr. Sensitive Man?” and then joins jazz choir. Kevin(?) seeks advice from Natasha Lyonne, who tells him, “If you want to get her in the sack, just tell her you love her. That’s how I got duped.” She also says he should try to cause Tara Reid to have an orgasm, and we, as a society, should probably pause and think about how wild it is that men need that info delivered to them as sex advice. Hahaha, Ed Harris, please neurotoxify us ASAP!
Turns out, Chris Klein is actually really into vocal jazz—understandably because singing in a choir teaches you how to connect with others on a profound level, to subsume your ego and truly listen, to create something beautiful out of a collective using only your bodies and your shared understanding of human emotion and the concept of time. Also, another good point, “This place is an untapped resource. I mean, check it out, these vocal jazz girls are hot!”
Klein tries to pass along his newfound wisdom to Stifler:
“All you gotta do is just ask them questions and just listen to what they have to say and shit.”
“I don’t know, man, that sounds like a lot of work!”
He is a horrible person, but there is something soothing about Stifler’s complete self-actualization. Stifler knows who he is and he knows what he wants and he does not question himself. He lives effortlessly within the contours of the life he has chosen. I admire Stifler in this way. I yearn for the kind of certainty that seems to come so naturally to him. May we all someday find the serenity of Steve Stifler, but with, I don’t know, not so many up-skirt video schemes.
Eugene Levy corners Biggs for a father-son sex chat and gives him some sex magazines to teach him about pussy: “Okay, so, uh, this is the female form, and they have focused primarily on the breasts.” I don’t listen to a lot of podcasts (Harry Potter audiobooks aren’t going to listen to themselves on a ceaseless and frankly worrisome twenty-year loop!!!), but I would pay upward of $7,000 per episode for Eugene Levy Describes Shaved Centerfolds.
Finch pays Natasha Lyonne to start a rumor at school that he’s “equipped” because that’s what teen girls are into—huge cocks! These girls are positively IN HEAT over Finch’s rumored dong!
Kevin(?) calls Casey Affleck to get sex tips, and Casey Affleck bequeaths to him “the bible,” a handwritten book of sex information passed down from senior to senior for generations. “Now it’s full of all kind of stuff guys have added over the years” (jizz). Kevin(?) goes and finds the book in its secret hiding place in the library, and first of all it is SO BIG, WHY IS THAT BOOK SO BIG, but second of all, you guys know there are just books about sex in the regular library, right? And they’re probably better, because they were written by adults who have actually had sex? You absolutely do not need to do any of this.
Chris Klein is not just surviving but thriving in jazz choir. He is wearing a cardigan. He is feelin’ it, and he lets the music take control: “Scooby dooby do bop!”
“That was good!” says the choir teacher.
No, it wasn’t!!!!!
“The state competition’s a few weeks away, so keep on it!” says the choir teacher.
They are not going to win the state competition!!!!!
Klein starts flirting with Mena Suvari, one of the choir hotties. She was pretty impressed earlier when he went, “Scooby dooby do bop,” and she can’t wait to see what other steamy surprises this scat king has in his pants!
Uh-oh. Jason Biggs gets home from school and his mother has left a fresh apple pie on the counter. Biggs immediately gets an erection. He pulls down his
