“For now.”
I shook my head. “Forever.”
Later that night, I told them the thing I love most about games is how everything is malleable, and every story seems to have a happy ending. The idea of a neatly wrapped-up third act, a perfect bow on things, was always comforting. And for life to not be like that felt like a betrayal, even if we should perhaps know better.
It’s a betrayal. Especially now.
I never ever told them how I feel. I told Liva, over stolen drinks, once. I told Damien.
But I never told Ever.
And I refuse to have missed my chance.
I gulp in the scent of pine and the starlit air. I shake the splinters from my crutch, and push myself back on my feet. “Ever!” I don’t know how clearly my voice makes it through the window. “We’re not giving up. Stand back.”
They nod and when they look up with a tearstained face, it only spurs me on more.
I’ve never seen Ever cry before. They were always the strong and stoic one, able to bear anything, no matter how hard. But now they’re breaking, and it breaks me too. I want to be able to reach through the window and hold them, take what’s hurting them and shield them from it.
So I won’t accept this. I’m not accepting it.
“Finn, you need to go,” Ever says again, their voice faint through the glass. Or perhaps it’s because we’re both tired and afraid.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“I need you to be safe. I can’t lose you too.”
“And I need us together.”
They push their hand against the glass and then they back away, still within my sights, but where they’ll be safe if I manage to break through.
I never told Ever how I felt, out of fear of rejection, fear of losing their friendship, fear of the two of us not being compatible. Out of fear. I forever thought, “I’ll tell them tomorrow.”
I still want that tomorrow, and all the tomorrows after.
“Ev, when we get out of here…” I angle my crutch again and slam it into the window. Once. Twice. Three times. Every time it connects, a dull shock echoes through my arms and shoulders, but the glass doesn’t budge.
“Yes?”
“Let’s do something fun, together.”
“Something fun?” Ever asks softly.
“We can go to the observatory, or we can go ghost hunting in the Monte Vista. We can go to one of the farmers’ markets or one of the summer festivals in the city. Even if it’s only an afternoon.”
I try my best not to ramble, and spectacularly fail. I glance around me for rocks or anything sharp enough to cut, to smash through the glass. Something that’s harder than the rubber tip of my crutch. But without a good light source, it would take too much time to find.
I don’t want to leave Ever on their own, without someone to look over their shoulder and make sure there’s no one else in the cabin with them.
A small part of me wants to rush the window like in the movies. It wouldn’t help. It would only make things worse. But I may not be thinking clearly right now.
The truth is, it terrifies me to stare into the empty void behind Ever. It’s like looking in a mirror when you’re home alone and you’re waiting for someone to appear in the reflection behind you.
And it does feel like that’s what we’re waiting for. And if someone doesn’t pop up inside, then they might somewhere behind me. I aggressively ignore any sounds around me. Rustling in the grove? Nah, not happening. The sound of birds overhead? Nature, nothing more. Calls and crushing leaves? Animals, surely.
There’s only Ever. Ever is the only one who matters right now.
They don’t respond to me, so I nudge, “Ev?”
Their head lowers. “But after the summer, you’re still going to leave.”
I try slamming the crutch against the window again. “Yeah. But that doesn’t mean I won’t always be here for you.”
“Good. I want you to leave. I mean. That’s not what I mean. I want you to go to college.”
“But I also really want to take you out.”
“On a date?” Ever’s voice trips and breaks. “We only have so much time left.”
I can’t help it, I laugh. “Even if it’s only for the summer and nothing more. It seems to me we’ll never know how much time we have. Happiness for brief moments is worth it too.”
But instead of leaning closer to me, they push away. “I don’t know how I could handle that.”
I’m going to try to break that glass, even if it takes me until the sun rises, even if I make myself a target by staying here instead of running.
This will not be where it ends.
Twenty-Four
Maddy
I don’t know how I made it to the edge of the grove, but somehow I did. The very same spot where Ever and I talked…was it only a couple of hours ago? My once-upon-a-time favorite place.
I’m disconnected from the world, and not of my own volition.
In the dim light of the moon, I can see my feet amidst the undergrowth, but I don’t feel like I’m walking on solid ground. I can move my hands in front of my eyes, but I might as well be a puppet on a string.
All that’s left of us are the endless miles of mountain and the city on a distant horizon.
Something crashes through the trees, and I still, rooted in the ground. My hands stop flapping.
A branch snaps. A clean break through the night.
The leaves rustle on the other side of me.
I make myself smaller and slowly push my hands into my pockets, but the pills in them burn my hands like embers. They’re tempting me, and I’m sure that’s the point of it. I’m next on the list, aren’t I? Liar. Thief. Addict.
Someone giggles. It drifts on the wind, not far from me.
I try to look everywhere at once, and see nothing. “Who’s there?”
The laughter Ever
