Ever places their good hand on my shoulder, and it’s such a comforting gesture, it hurts. To my right, Maddy looks away.
“I don’t know yet. Maybe someday, but for now I’m going to focus on doing what I can, which isn’t school. Taking care of Elle is more important.”
“I know. But.” I don’t have the right words to say more. I shouldn’t judge them. So I clamp my mouth shut.
We slowly start to walk again, and I pace. I don’t even notice how hard the ground is. Three steps forward. Wait. One step back. Three steps forward. Deep in thought.
The tension turns into physical discomfort, and Ever touches my shoulder. “But?”
The words stumble out. “I’m not saying your worth depends on going to college either. It doesn’t. It would never, and I’m sorry if it sounded like that. You are not worthless. You deserve the universe. Truth is, I’d love you regardless of whether you never set a foot inside a school again or finish a PhD, but I want you to have the best chances in life.”
“I’m alive,” Ever says softly. They stare at me quizzically, and somehow their gaze centers me and pushes me off balance all at the same time. “That alone is a pretty good chance.”
I launch a pebble off the path with my crutch. We can see it fly through the air and land in the grass, and it’s the first thing that makes me realize the sky is brightening. “All our concerns sound so paltry now, don’t they? In the face of actual death?”
Ever reaches out and slowly turns me to face them. “Do you know what Damien would say to that? Worries always sound paltry in the face of hatred. Failing a class sounds paltry in the face of a disaster. Breaking a leg, breaking a promise, breaking a heart all sound paltry in the face of a dying planet. It doesn’t make any of them any less meaningful. Now…” They reach for my hand. “Can you please repeat what you said a moment ago?”
Maddy laughs softly.
What last thing? Truth is, I’d love you regardless of whether you never set a foot inside a school again or finish a PhD, but I want you to have the best chances in life.
I…
Oh. That.
I must blush or pale or perhaps a combination of both, because Ever winces. But before they can do or say anything, I take their hand and hold it. “Hey.”
The corner of their mouth quirks. “Hey you.”
We’re all disasters, now more than ever. We’re all falling apart. I don’t know what happens next. I don’t know how we can go home and explain to our families that two of our friends are dead. I don’t know how we can explain to their families that they won’t be coming back. I don’t know anything, except this:
Both Ever and Damien were right. This world is a messed up and scary place. Life is too short and too hard not to embrace happiness and joy, courage and possibility, and sometimes fear and grief and sorrow too. We have to find our family. We are stronger when we stand against the darkness together, and if our brief moment of happiness is nothing more than a flare, it lights up the path for others too.
I’ll keep repeating that. For Maddy. For myself. For everyone who needs to hear.
We lost our friends. I nearly lost Ever, and I never want to lose them again.
“So yeah,” they say. “Let’s do something fun together.” A hint of panic flashes through them. “If you still want to… I’m sorry I made you wait. I was terrified. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Not after this night.”
“I thought we didn’t do despair,” I say softly.
“Turns out I do,” they admit.
“Me too.” I grimace. “Yes. Please yes. Once everything that comes next is done, we deserve something good. We deserve something hopeful. I didn’t think it was true anymore, but maybe we still have worlds to create together. Better ones.”
“Wouldn’t that be something?”
“It won’t be easy,” I say.
They nod. “I know. But that’s okay. I know I said it would be complicated, but the truth is, I don’t care about complicated, as long as it means we have a chance. I care about giving us a chance.”
They pull me closer, and the cloak rustles.
“Kiss already,” Maddy mutters.
I raise an eyebrow and let go of Ever’s hand. I’m careful not to touch the wounded hand they hold cradled to their chest. Instead, I let my fingers follow their jawline while I look at them. They’re smaller now than they were before. Less flamboyant, no flourish. The remains of the smudged and torn green cloak hang from one shoulder. Their thick, black hair has long since escaped its ponytail and there’s blood and sand and sweat all over them.
“Were you going to tell me before I moved away?”
“I wasn’t sure yet. I didn’t want to…get in the way. I didn’t want you to worry.”
A thousand things go through my mind all at once. Anger. Disappointment. Love. Frustration. I can hardly blame them, when all that time, I did the exact same thing. We’re both such fools.
I trace a mixture of mud and tears on their cheek.
We really should talk more, after tonight. This needs to be the start.
When I’m off to college, in some kind of future that is coming up quickly but feels so distant, we’re going to have to figure something out. Long-distance relationships can work; we would’ve figured out our friendship like that too. And maybe friendships are considered easier and less fraught with expectations, but they’re not any less work. We owe it to each other to try, one way or another.
Something soft and fast shoots past my legs, and I yelp. We both jump apart right in time to see a rabbit run across the path. It’s light enough now that we can at least make out its shape, but right
