“Who is my father?” I ask. “Do you know where he is?”
My mother shakes her gray head. “No. I don’t know where he is. Our master back then didn’t allow me to bury him. I guess the guards just tossed him in the Field somewhere.”
She pauses, her gaze distant yet sharp. Underneath the table, I claw at my palm, rubbing the skin off.
“Please tell me everything,” I whisper.
“Oh all right,” my mother sighs. “I was afraid to tell you because it might give you ideas of escaping… But there’s no point in hiding the truth now, is there?” She pauses, giving me a long look. “I was just like you, Kora. I liked to dream and believed in love and a better life. When I was about your age, I met a factory boy and fell in love. He was very kind and handsome. He didn’t care that I was just a picker. Of course we both knew we shouldn’t be together. His family would never approve of a picker for his wife. But we were very young, and so deeply in love. We saw each other secretly.” My mother stops talking for a moment, closing her eyes, completely immersed in her happy memories. I watch mesmerized. When she reopens her eyes, her face darkens. “I was very scared when I first learned I was pregnant. We couldn’t get married being from different clans. And the master would have punished us both, because he didn’t allow servants to have such relationships without his permission. So I persuaded your father to escape with me. I wanted to travel far away from this place and find Jingfay.”
“Jingfay?” I utter. “Is she real?”
My mother shrugs. “I don’t know. We never found her of course.”
Jingfay, I repeat in my mind. Just like me, my mother was fantasizing about joining Jingfay’s group. My mother was a runaway servant and rebel.
“Guards captured us on the seventh day after our escape,” my mother continues in a flat voice. “They shot your father right in front of my eyes. After they brought me back to the Recycling Village, the master ordered me whipped. He made all the villagers watch as the guards carried out his order. And then,” she takes a breath, “he ordered me buried alive.”
“Buried alive?” I ask, feeling chilled.
My mother nods. “They left me buried in a grave for more than a day. I was desperate. I’d just witnessed the father of my unborn child being shot in the head. My back had no skin after the whipping. And I was certain that I was going to die too. I scratched and pounded at the coffin from the inside as long as I could. And then I was just lying there in exhaustion waiting for my air to run out. Twenty hours later, the guards dug me out. I’d lost my fingernails.”
My mother becomes silent, looking off into space. I can’t take my eyes from her. Only now, I fully understand who my mother really is. I only now realize why she has always been so broken and quiet. How can anyone possibly survive what she had to suffer through? How do you ever recover after such a horrific experience? Would I be able to remain sane after being buried alive? Would I even want to continue living after witnessing the father of my child being killed?
“I’m very sorry,” is all I can think to say.
“At least I still have you.” She touches my face gently. “Maybe you’ll be able to finish what I couldn’t.”
“Please, come with me,” I plead. “Let’s go to Bastion together. Let’s try to find Jingfay.”
“I can’t do it, Kora.” Her back becomes hunched again. She lowers her head, turning back into an old, broken woman. “I no longer have the strength left in me. I can’t be on the run anymore. It’s just… too late for me.”
“But you’re still young!” I exclaim, mentally calculating how old my mother really is. Thirty two? Thirty three?
“Go lie down now,” she says. “You must get some rest before leaving.”
I lie beside her on the floor, covering up with an old blanket. I’m totally worn out but my mind remains restless. I continue thinking about my mother screaming and scratching in the darkness of the coffin six feet under the ground. I attempt to envision my father, a young factory boy who chose to follow his heart and was shot in the head for his effort. I feel ashamed that I ever thought of my mother as being weak and spineless.
I finally will myself to close my eyes and fall asleep. But even being in a dream world there’s no peace for me. I see a chimera biting into Topaz’s head, sharp teeth crushing her skull. I dream of Gabriel pointing his gun at Amy, his icy blue gaze piercing me.
I awaken before dawn, whispering Amy’s name. My jaws ache from grinding my teeth for several hours in my sleep. I feel disoriented and scared. My mother is still asleep and our little house is dark. Shivering in fear, I sit up, wrapping myself with my arms. I still feel as if I’m dreaming. Maybe I just have to open my eyes and I’ll find myself back at the racer’s living quarters. And Amy along with Topaz will be unharmed and still alive.
I rise to my feet and walk unsteadily toward the table. I take a sip of warm water from a cup, wiping the sweat from my forehead. I can still hear the gunshot and see Amy fall. I can still feel Gabriel’s strong fingers wrapping around my neck. I want to scream.
Easy, easy, I tell myself, patting my cheeks. You’ll be all right. You can survive this.
I hear
