Gribblers (Gribbula sp): If you’re easily freaked out by creepy-crawlies, you might want to rethink a visit to Wasteland, as all of its invertebrates have been set definitively to Hard Mode.[21] Known collectively as Gribblers – since accurate taxonomy tends to be the last thing on your mind when you’re being beaten to death by a wasp with fists[22] – they swarm in the ruins, caves and tunnels of the Wastes. And while many have stayed conventionally bug-sized, others – such as the Dire Millipede (Myriapoda Caesar), the Battlepillar (Wrigglius Khan) and, of course, the Fight Wasp (Vespa Pugilis) – have swollen to preposterous sizes.
People
Wasteland has many unique and colourful cultures, and it would be easy to fill an entire guidebook with descriptions of their various habits and practices. Since there are only a few pages in which to do so, here’s a quick primer on some of the more common social structures you’re likely to encounter during your trip.
Warlord societies
These are the most common communities in Wasteland, and tend to revolve around a single charismatic figure and their bizarre cult of personality. It’s hard to say exactly what to expect in any particular settlement, but you can bet your last tin of cat meat it will involve an imposing fortress, ramshackle vehicles crewed by maniacal warriors, and needlessly impractical slave labour. Warlord societies may have a certain degree of self-sufficiency, but where they really shine is in taking things from other people. The elaborate raids, sieges and chases involved will often cost more in resources and human life than they actually earn, but we’re talking about warlords here, not accountants, and ‘return on investment’ is not a phrase that comes up often in addresses to the troops.
Zombies
There are many kinds of zombies in the Land of the Dead: fast ones, slow ones, angry ones, sad ones. Nevertheless, they all have an infectious bite, and are drawn to any sign of life in dizzying numbers. Some wonder how, even with the occasional band of survivors being drawn into their ranks, the zombies can keep coming in such quantities. You’ll also likely hear campfire muttering about the implausibility of corpses still being able to walk this long after the apocalypses, or the sheer dismissal of thermodynamics inherent in the idea of a creature that can wander around for decades without food. But you know who doesn’t ask any of these questions? That’s right: it’s zombies.
The Apes[23]
Despite literally keeping humans in cages[24], the various species of Apes who rule the Monkey Zone have welcomed offworld tourism perhaps more openly than any other society in Wasteland. Their castles boast fairly luxurious accommodation options, which you’ll certainly enjoy – if you can sit at ease with the fact that they were built by the shaking hands of your fellow hominids, sweltering under an orangutan’s lash. It should also be pointed out that the Apes are in no way either damned or dirty, nor do they have particularly stinking paws.
Robots
By far the most exciting Robots in Wasteland are the skull-faced, android prosecutors of the Robot War. Equipped with nightmarishly powerful weapons, a preposterously efficient automated manufacturing base and the secret of time travel, many wonder why they haven’t yet crushed the human resistance led by the rugged general Jack Banner. It’s because the Robots have a fatal flaw: back in the chaos of the apocalypses, a stray EMP blast damaged their controlling AI, leaving it with two minor – but utterly crucial – flaws:
(A) The Robots have a disastrously poor understanding of time travel. While they have mastered the technology involved in sending war machines back in time, they fail to recognise that the fact the present remains exactly the same means their attempts to nip Banner’s resistance in the bud aren’t working. Pitying resistance soldiers have even tried to explain this to the Robots, but they never seem to get it. They just keep wellying mechanical assassins into the past, who inevitably become part of the young Banner’s increasingly vast cadre of android father figures, rather than assassinating him.
(B) They all think they’re cockneys. They speak in ridiculous accents, mix their core code with rhyming slang, and have regular knees-ups around big robot pianos. Worse yet, thanks to a broken logic mechanism, the Robots believe that because all Robots are cockneys, anyone who speaks in a cockney accent must necessarily be a Robot. This, of course, means that their empire is incredibly easy to infiltrate and sabotage, offering superb opportunities for tourists with a knack for comedy voices.
ROBOT RHYMING SLANG
01100001 01110000 01110000 01101100 01100101 01110011
00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000
01110000 01100101 01100001 01110010 01110011 – ‘stairs’
01110111 01101000 01101001 01110011 01110100 01101100
01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000
01100110 01101100 01110101 01110100 01100101 – ‘suit’
01110100 01110010 01101111 01110101 01100010 01101100
01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100
00100000 01110011 01110100 01110010 01101001 01100110
01100101 – ‘wife’[25]
3. PLANNING YOUR TRIP
When to Visit
Good luck choosing a pleasant time to visit the apocalypse.
Getting Around
It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the best way to get around in Wasteland is in an outrageous, gas-guzzling motor vehicle – ideally one that has been modified into a sort of moving fortress. Wherever possible, it’s good to book passage as part of a warlord’s armada, if only to avoid being chased by one. Otherwise, consider either muscle power (peasants in rags can be hired from many fortresses for a reasonable day rate, along with manky donkeys with too many eyes) or vehicles with renewable energy sources.[26]
Eating and Drinking
Food is a weak spot for Wasteland, if we’re being honest. For the most part, your best non-radioactive options are ancient tinned foods or hydroponic crops, both of which are pretty bland. If you’re willing to enjoy a few isotopes with your food, however, there are plenty of game options available. Cowrat
