1. Not to be confused with the Wizards of Mittelvelde, who are a different kettle of fish entirely.
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2. Floyd, are you going to do the whole ‘oblique hints in footnotes’ thing all through the chapter, or just bloody admit what you did? – ES
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3. Yes, Eliza, I’m getting to it.
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4. I should fucking hope not, Floyd. – ES
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5. By which Floyd means it became a training camp for child soldiers. – ES
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6. With the occasional patch of magically irradiated wasteland.
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7. I never got much further than making acorns smell a bit funny during my visit, but in fairness I had a very full schedule.
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8. Still, whenever an eldritch detonation levels a street, they claim no knowledge of the perpetrators.
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9. The Mundanes were furious when they found out about it, given the underfunded, overcrowded nature of their state schools. I don’t see the fuss, personally. Surely if they wanted it badly enough, they could have made giant castle schools for themselves?
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10. Indeed, when Mundane intelligence agencies want to talk to real power, they forget the Department of Magic and head to Platform Zero at Empire Cross Station, where they await the arrival of the Greeblewhoz Express, a behemoth armoured locomotive bearing representatives of the Academy.
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11. Note to self: come up with a better adjective before publication.
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12. How do you know when you’ve gone too far into the woods? You’ll know. Whether it’s the sunlight giving way to a deep arboreal gloom, a gradual proliferation of cobwebs, or the sudden absence of birds and the emergence of more eerie calls, there’s no way you’ll miss your sign to turn back.
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13. Dark Wizardes are not to be confused with vampyres, despite their similarly general moody sexiness.
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14. ‘Recent bother’??? Floyd, it was a WAR. And until you acknowledge that, I’m going to edit all the euphemisms out of your text, whether you like it or not. – ES
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15. Fine – happy now, Eliza?
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16. OK, Floyd, you’ve danced about long enough: out with it. – ES
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17. Interestingly, Dark Wizardes are far less hated in Mundane culture than their counterparts due to this very difference – there’s a general sense that while they may want to keep their gleaming boots firmly on the neck of the Mundane world, at least they’ve always been honest about it. Plus, they’re a bit sexier than normal Wizardes.
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18. Nobody ever seems to give me credit for averting that conflict. If things hadn’t played out the way they did, it would all have blown up and spilled into the Mundane world anyway – but everyone seems to have forgotten that now that I’m the scapegoat.
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19. Damn right. – ES
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20. After staying for the cheese course, naturally.
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21. Floyd, this is not appropriate at all. – ES
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22. This would come to be known as ‘the Forgettening’.
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23. There, happy now, Eliza? I’m sure that account of atrocities will do wonders for tourism, but at least you got the satisfaction of hanging me out to dry. Besides, I still maintain this wasn’t my fault. I thought Benedict would love Mundania. How was I to know he’d take such a bizarre stance?
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24. Feels a bit gauche to start talking about the weather after being forced to admit indirect culpability for the annihilation of a city, but there we are.
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25. Crickledale is an obvious exception, being broodingly unpleasant year-round, but that’s an aesthetic choice on behalf of its inhabitants.
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26. Besides, miscategorising an owl with hands as an animal would be the least of my bloody reputational problems when it comes to Mundania, so I’m not too worried.
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27. My least favourite is possibly the Gumsley Reeker, a large, flightless dragon that lives in marshland and absolutely honks of decaying vegetables, thanks to the rafts of detritus that tend to accumulate on its back while it marinates in stagnant pools.
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28. Eel Mail, although efficient in a region with decent plumbing, never really caught on. Nobody likes an eel popping out of their loo with a scroll in its mouth, after all.
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29. Admittedly, the Forgettening wasn’t 100 per cent successful – even now, Mundanes have a baffling fear of wardrobes, as on a subconscious level they’re always scared that their morning rummage for pants will instead reveal a teenage Wizarde with a knife between their teeth.
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30. In most cases, at least. One in a hundred centaurs is born with the front half of a horse on a pair of human legs, and while centaur culture considers the arrival of such a creature to be a blessing upon a family, befitting months of lavish gifts, one suspects this tradition has evolved more as a coping mechanism than an actual reflection of good fortune.
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31. Do be aware that they take some practice, though. They tip bloody easily, you see, and that’s no laughing matter when you’re rocketing over a jagged mountain at half the speed of sound.
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32. Floyd, I thought this argument was over. It’s not about whether it’s anatomically possible – it’s about whether it’s OK to command a stranger to give you a piggyback. And it’s not OK to do that. – Eliza Salt.
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33. It’s a terrible way to go.
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34. Indeed, the fact that Wizardes could use magic to cheerfully ignore such concerns as intensive agriculture, distribution logistics and even the laws of thermodynamics in their food economy was one of the main instigating factors in the war. When your civilisation is only ever three meals away from anarchy, it’s irksome to find your neighbours have been conjuring pastries from thin air for hundreds of years, I suppose.
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35. It sings raucous songs about getting drunk (in the most direct
